Spring has sprung, fall has fell and Maine has become boring as hell.
I made that up. Kind of. OK, I made up the “boring as hell” part. The rest of the saying, and I am big on sayings, was already there and I modified it. The original that I learned from my Uncle David Reed over 30 years ago goes like this: “Spring has spring, fall has fell, summer’s here and it’s hotter than usual”. I like my version better. It has more panache, which is a Fwench word meaning “it rhymes”.
It’s Wife Carrying Time!
Fall, therefore winter, comes to Maine quite a bit sooner than many locales around the country, and when it does, it throws us into an, “Oh, shit! What is there to do now?” mode. So we invent things. Like wife carrying for fame and fortune. And beer.
I’m not sure where or when this idea came into fruition, but I do know that I have written about it before and it was a huge hit with the Dumbass Horde.
Here’s a little background from my previous post: The object of this dumbass “sport” is to navigate a 278 yard course lined with mud holes and all sorts of fun obstacles like that while carrying your dumbass wife on your back! What fun! The people who participate in dumbass wife carrying are deadly serious about it, why they’ve even got specialized ways for a man to carry his better half. From ABCNews.com we learn : “Carrying methods include traditional piggyback, the fireman’s carry or something called the “Estonian carry,” said Paula Wheeler, director of development for the Mahoosuc Arts Council, the event’s sponsor.” The “Estonian carry” sounds particularly menacing (or pornographic, I ain’t sure which). The best thing about this event, besides the certain hilarity that ensues, is what the winner receives as a prize. I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. His wife’s weight in beer! There is a God!
Repeat, Repeat Winners
For the record, we are dealing with the North American Wife Carrying Championships here, not the World Championships. The North American version of this spectacle took place over the weekend Newly, Maine at Sundat River ski resort. The snow has fallen yet, so this is how they fill in the off season at SR. It make s a lot of money, too.
|And they’re off!|
WCSH,Channel 6 fills us in on this year’s competition: It’s an annual event at Sunday River – site of the North American Championships.
This year’s winners were Taisto Miettinen and Kristiina Haapanen from Finland; the two have won the world championships for the past four years and say there is a strategy to every course.
With a winning time of 52.58 seconds, the victors win Kristiina’s weight in beer, and five times her weight in cash.
Barely half a second behind them was the second place couple: Jesse Wall and Christine Arsenault from South Paris.
As you can see, Americans are lacking in their wife carrying skillz and the Commies from Finland and Estonia, the only countries to win the Worlds, continue to dominate this event on Merkin soil. It’s a disgrace to decent wife-carrying men all over this great land. Although the second place couple does hail from South Paris, Maine. Not South Paris, Fwance as you might think.
What Can Americans Do?
I think we should have gubmint subsidies for wife carrying just like we do for ethanol and other useless bullshit. With these gubmint funds, the United States of America could train wife-carriers from all 50 states with the latest techniques and technology. Kinda like the Olympics. A few million here and a few million there will put American wife-carriers back at their rightful and God-given spot on top of the World Wife Carrying Rankings. Just think of the pride we as Merkins could take in these fine young people representing their country at future World Wife Carrying Championship events! USA! USA! USA!
I, therefore, humbly submit this petiton to our Congressdumbasses in Washington, DC that they actually do something useful and right by their constituents and Americans all over the land, by throwing tax payer money hand over wife for this truly patriotic cause.
I beseech you, fellow Dumbasses, to call, write, email and otherwise threaten bodily harm to your duly elected Dumbasses in the United States Senate and the US House of Representatives to pass appropriate legislation to achieve this worthy goal.
To do less would be unAmerican.
|Barry White-Sounding Scandi TV Guy**|
As the Head Dumbass In Charge, or HDIC, here at Dumbass News, the responsibility falls to me to pick out dumbasses from around the world who meet our low, nonexistent even, standards in order to be a “featured” dumbass on this blog. What you are about to read, I would expect from a place like Communist China, but never from a place like Finland, where the women are beautiful and the men are men and the reindeer are nervous. Some executive dumbasses (but I repeat myself) at a Finnish TV station fired a white guy who sounds a lot like Barry White from Kansas, in a Finnish kind of way, for drinking a beer on the air! And when you see the video of the alleged beer drinking, the guy was using an empty beer bottle! The beer bottle isn’t the only empty thing in this story, some higher ups at the TV station have empty skulls and no frakkin’ sens of humor.I knew that Finland was a socialist paradise, but this incident goes beyond the pale. Watch this clip and decide for yourself. First off, the report mentions “incompetent personnel” serving liquor to customer. You gotta be shittin’ me! To serve booze in Finland, what makes you competent to do so? A Bachelor’s Degree in beer pouring? Dumbasses.Oh, but the dumbass gets stronger in this fiasco. One serving per customer? WTF? You mean if I take my wife out for a beer, we both have to stand in line to be served separately? Do we have tip the bartender separately, too? Sounds like a Communist plot to overthrow the world to me. Scandi dumbasses. Anyway, back to Olaf or Sven or whatever the news anchor’s name is. I watched the video three times and it looks like to me that Nils or Arne or whatever the news anchor’s name is, is clearly joking about the story being aired at that time and the beer bottle was empty, except for the skits (read: backwash) at the bottom of the bottle. Being Finnish and all that, I have a sneaky feeling that ol’ Sven the Barry White-sounding anchor guy just might be able to handle a bit more beer than just the skits in the bottle. But, that’s just me. It’s possible, I suppose that Olaf could’ve have hammered before hitting the air waves, but he doesn’t look or sound blasted to me.Besides, have you seen some of the commercials the Scandis run on TV? I am not going to link them, but if you wanna see how stupid and hypocritcal this deal is, Google them.
There is hope for Arne the Barry White-Sounding Finnish Guy! As a former Professional Drinker, I urge all you dumbasses, even if you don’t drink Barley Pop, to unite behind Sven the Barry White-Sounding Scandi and demand that he be given his job back! There is a Facebook page set up for just such a thing. Join the masses in telling the Scandi TV Executives that they are dumbasses of the worst kind! And have cold beer to show your outrage and support for Olaf the Barry White-Sounding White Guy!!
**Photo from asylum.co.uk**
(Photo attribution corrected)
|You dumbass! You farted!|
There are few things in this world that come anywhere near leaving me speechless. What I am about to describe to you damn near did it. Human beings, by their Latin name known as dumbassus erectus, will do almost anything for amusement and/or competition. There are such events as the Calaveras (CA) County Fair and Jumping Frog Jubilee, Watermelon Thump in Luling, Texas, where the biggest attraction is the watermelon seed spitting contest and 35,000
dumbasses people attend each year, and here’s a new one to me that recently took place right here in Maine – The North American Wife Carrying Championships! I mean, we don’t get the Olympics, NASCAR, NFL, Major League Baseball and whatnot, but we do make a sport of wife carrying! Just imagine the fun and companionship to be had by dumbass couples from all around the country.
- Dumbass Wife to Dumbass husband : “Honey, I have just the thing that could save our marriage.”
- Dumbass Husband : “And that would be what?”
- Dumbass Wife : “You could carry me!”
- Dumbass Husband : “I’ve been doing that for the last 25 years.”
- Dumbass Wife : “No,dear. I mean you could carry me in the North American Wife Carrying Championships!”
- Dumbass Husband : “You do love me! Our marriage is saved!“
The object of this dumbass “sport” is to navigate a 278 yard course lined with mud holes and all sorts of fun obstacles like that while carrying your dumbass wife on your back! What fun! The people who participate in dumbass wife carrying are deadly serious about it, why they’ve even got specialized ways for a man to carry his better half. From ABCNews.com we learn : “Carrying methods include traditional piggyback, the fireman’s carry or something called the “Estonian carry,” said Paula Wheeler, director of development for the Mahoosuc Arts Council, the event’s sponsor.” The “Estonian carry” sounds particularly menacing (or pornographic, I ain’t sure which). The best thing about this event, besides the certain hilarity that ensues, is what the winner receives as a prize. I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. His wife’s weight in beer! There is a God! It turns out that the dumbass husband totin’ around his dumbass wife becomes a dumbass drunk! You now understand what people who live in a place like Maine, where there are about 8 months winter, do during those long cold times. They make up dumbass stuff like wife carrying! And curling, but that’s another story for another day. If every married couple in the United States took part in wife carrying, the divorce rate would plummet.The alcoholism rate among married men would skyrocket (see prize for winners), but those men would be happily married drunks. In my view, it all evens out. 🙂 For those of you who are considering wife carrying as a marriage-enhancing tool, I’ll leave you with info on the 2011 World Wife Carrying Championships to be held in Finland. I almost forgot that there is a division in this dumbass competition for women who want to carry their husbands! Equal opportunity, you gotta love it. I am curious here, what is the wife’s prize if she wins? Her husband’s weight in bon bons?