Category: Fish

Dumbass Finds Image of Jesus on Beer Box!

It is said that the Lord works in mysterious ways. Now, I think it means that The Big Guy acts in ways that His children don’t expect. Even non-believers get the gist of this saying.

The Dumbass in our story today takes that old adage to an entirely other level. A level that either gives the Lord a good laugh or He starts making reservations in warmer climes for our Dumbass. Actually, I don’t think God would condemn the poor knucklehead to the Eternal Lake of Fire Where There’s a Lot of Gnashing of Teeth and Other Bad Stuff Forever and Ever for being an idiot, but He may have created a new category of sin in honor of The Guy in This Story.

Let us pray. 

Fred

Once upon a timeth, in a land far away, the mythical Land of Florida, lived an ordinary man namedeth Sir Frederick of Truluck. Actually, the brutha’s named was simply Fred Truluck, but bear with me here. In this wonderful and magical place called Florida resided many hard working, God fearing people we’ll call “The Tribe of the Normal People”. While certainly hard working and God fearing, Sir Frederick was of a group of citizens who had the collective IQ of a menatlly challenged spit wad, the “Tribe of the Dumbass”.

One glorious day as Sir Frederick of the hamlet of Bradenton was taking a leisurely stroll with his faithful sidekick, Fido the Hound, so Fido could taketh a shiteth, Sir Fred happened upon a fish-shaped object glistening in the bright Florida sunshine. Being a man of Faith, and the fish being a Christian symbol, Fred picked up his piscatorial prize and returned to his humble abode.

Amen!

It is important to note here that the FSO (Fish Shaped Object) was made of cardboard. Alas! This was not cardboard of an ordinary making! It was cardboard from a box of Corona beer! In case you didn’t know, Corona is a Meskin beer. Further, the word “corona” means “crown”. This tidbit is of the utmost import to our story. Because….

After Fred got home, he placed the FSO on a counter top and went about his bidness for a little while. Upon completing whatever the hell he was doing, Fred picked up the FSO to admire it. I mean, it’s odd enough to find a piece of cardboard in the shape of a fish, but what happened next is a true miracle! Unseen by Fred until this very moment, on the other side of the cardboard FSO from a Corona Beer carton was an image of Jesus! Hallelujah! The Son of Man has appeared on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from a carton of Meskin beer! The End Times are nigh! Face it, sinners, the image of The Word has been seen on potato chips and pieces of toast among other things, so why not on a beer carton? And why not to a guy who was taking his dog on a poop walk?

Mysterious?

The Lord may indeed work in mysterious ways, but something in my heart of hearts tells me that appearing on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from the carton of an el cheap-o Meskin beer is not one of them. Call me a skeptic, if you must, but I think that when The Redeemer makes himself known to Mankind it will be in a more Biblical way. Like maybe on the back of a pure white steed in full Satan-killing armor surrounded by Archangel Warriors or something.  You know, Armageddon. Beer boxes? Not so much.

So, Fred, lay off the lousy beer and get back on your meds. He Who Sits at the Right Hand of the Father ain’t gonna manifest Himself on a case of barley pop. Got it? This ain’t the Shroud of Turin for cryin’ out loud.

Or a piece of toast.

Dumbass.

***Image from Daily Mail***

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PETA Wants Roadside Memorial for Fish Killed in Wreck!

I am a fisherman. Correction: I am a damn good fisherman. More than fifty years experience will do that to a guy. Each time I head out to the lake, river or creek, I set out with the notion in mind of decimating the local fish population. Metaphorically speaking of course. Fish. Fear.Me. Having said all that, let it be known that I fastidiously follow all fishing rules and regulations when I am on the water. Fact is, I rarely ever even keep any fish after one of my fish-slaying extravaganzas. I practice catch and release 99.99999% of the time.

Going fishing for me is more like “going to Church”. I talk to God on a regular basis, but there’s something about fishing that brings me closer to the Almighty. I feel more at peace when I am fishing than at any other time. Is it the solitude? The calming effect of the water? I don’t know, but I do know that Jesus hung around with a bunch of fishermen,so it can’t be all bad.

Crying Over Spilled Fish

I bring up fishing today because of the following story from United Press International:

IRVINE, Calif. (UPI) — An animal rights group is asking a California city to put up a sign acknowledging the suffering of fish that died in a traffic incident.
Irvine resident Dina Kourda wrote a letter to city officials on behalf of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals asking for a sign to be placed at the site of the October crash to recognize the suffering of hundreds of saltwater bass that died when a truck carrying the fish collided with two other vehicles Oct. 11, The Orange County Register reported Tuesday.

Kourda said she wants the sign to remind truck drivers of their responsibility to the animals who are “hauled to their deaths every day.”

“Although such signs are traditionally reserved for human fatalities, I hope you’ll make an exception because of the enormous suffering involved in this case,” the letter read.

“Research tells us that fish use tools, tell time, sing, and have impressive long-term memories and complex social structures. Yet fish used for food are routinely crushed, impaled, cut open, and gutted, all while still conscious. Sparing them from being tossed from a speeding truck and slowly dying from injuries and suffocation seems the least that we can do,” Kourda wrote. 

Fish Burger in Its Natural Habitat

 My Thoughts

  • Are. You. Kiddin’. Me.?
  • We are dealing with PETA and Cal-ee-forn-ya here, so, no, they ain’t kiddin’.
  • Fish are meant to be eaten. The Son of Man ate them and that’s all the approval I need to eat them.
  • It’s very difficult to make a Filet O’ Fish without fish.
  • Is it just me or is it really offensive to compare the fish that perished in a traffic accident to the loss of a human life in a traffic accident?
  • Re: the Dead Fish Memorial Sign, see the comment directly above this one. Also, when you see a roadside memorial that marks the spot where a living breathing human being DIED, doesn’t it make you keenly aware of the dangers of drunk driving or something like that? A sign memorializing dead fish lacks, shall we say, impact?
  • If I were to see a “Fish Died Here” sign on the side of the road, I’d get hungry and start looking for the closest Long John Silver or Catfish Cabin.
  • Members of PETA are also against dancing shrimp.
  • Go fishing and take home a limit then send a photo of your catch to your nearest PETA office just to piss them off.
  • Eat more fish.
  • Screw PETA.

Dumbasses.

Pissin’ Off a Lady Who Has to Pee

Supper & a Deadly Weapon

Today is my birthday, so I am taking the day off to spend with my wife (Mrs. Fearless Leader) and little girls, Issy the 9 Year Old and Bailey the 5 Year Old. I’ll be back with a new dose of Dumbassery on Monday. 

 
In the mean time remember, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. Unless you guys are really weird; then all bets are off.
 
With that said, let’s go fishin’.
 
For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don’t let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing. One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman’s space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It’s just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon. For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins. The lady walked over to the men and asked them to turn their heads while she tinkled on the ice. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and when you’re fishing, the world is your outhouse. Not that I would personally know these things <coughbullshitcough>, but when Nature calls, you’ve got to do something. But, I digress. The lady tells these two guys she’s gotta pee. The guys turned around as the dumbass lady requested, then she goes full tilt boogie bat shit crazy and smacks the two guys about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of their bodies with a fish! I told you that fishermen are a serious bunch when it comes to “protecting” their fishing spot.

The cops were called and it was determined that the dumbass fishing lady was pissed off because, in her opinion, the two guys had put their shanty (portable ice fishing hut) too close to hers and she felt that a flagrant fishing felony was within the unwritten laws of fishing, so she bashed them with a bass. There’s a small matter that we haven’t discussed yet. We know that the two guys called the the fuzz and after being pummeled by a pissed off piscatorial perpetrator, these two dumbasses refused to press charges! Holy mackerel! What a couple of pansies.

I wanted to come up with a witty ending to this post, but I am drawing a blank. All I can say is that when you go fishing, be a good sport and don’t fish too close to the other guy. It’s really rude and
some folks, like the dumbass lady in the story, get a touch peeved when that happens. Besides, you never know if the other guy is packing a concealed catfish and he’s willing to use it. 

 
I’m just sayin’. 
 
Dumbasses.

The Greatest Dumbass Ever! Dumbass Fishing Stories! And Get Hooked on Dumbass News!

The Greatest Dumbass Ever!

As we begin this week’s look back into Dumbass News History, I’d first like to salute perhaps The Greatest Dumbass of Them All. He was born Jerome Lester Horvitz in New York on October 22, 1903. He was the youngest of four (or five, I forget, but so the fuck what) brothers. His older siblings included Moses and Samuel, who would also become two of the Greatest Dumbasses of All Time. Some combination of Jerome, Moses and Samuel have been entertaining men and children, but I repeat myself, for nearly 80 years. Their brand of comedy revolutionized the way we laugh at things. An eye poke here, a boink on top of the head there and, along with Lawrence Feinstein of Philadelphia, some of the most hilarious comedy in the history of mankind were their trademarks. My favorite of these three was Jerome. I’ll stop here because, if you haven’t already, you’ll guess that I am telling you of Curly Howard. yes, that Curly Howard. His brothers were Samuel (Shemp) and Moses (Moe). And as the late Paul Harvey said so many times over the years…Now you know the … of the story. Happy Birthday, Curly! The Greatest Stooge and the Greatest Dumbass. Check out this clip from 1936’s Disorder in the Court. Be sure to catch the part with Curly getting on the witness stand. After lterally seeing this hundreds of times over the last 50 plus years, I still fall out when I see it. Pure genius. Nyuk. Nyuk. Nyuk.

Not nearly as funny as Curly, but still pr damn humorous is a look at some of the columns that have been reader favorites over the last year’s worth of Dumbass News. Today’s theme; Fish.

That’s your Dumbass Seafood Menu for today, so sit back. relax and curse and laugh with much gusto at these dumbasses. It’ll make you feel better. Guaranteed.

Be sure to click on the “Follow By Dumbass Email” button so you’ll never again miss the latest mockery of dumbasses around the world, maybe even in your hometown! Well, the only dumbass in your hometown is probably you, but what the hey! Subscribe anyway! Each new post will be sent directly to your email inbox! You can also Tweet any post in the Dumbass News archives to both your friends! Located just above the Twitter button in the right sidebar is an AddThis button that allows you to share any post on the blog via the social media of your choice. Give it a click and a list of literally hundreds of social and bookmark sharing sites will pop up, and you can use any or all of them to pass along the latest in Dumbass News!  Thanks!

Adios,
Toby
Head Dumbass