Category: Fishing

UK Guy Goes Fishin’, Catches Diver by Scrotum!

Scrotum Fisherman

Best of Dumbass News 

The story I am about to enlighten you with is something very close to what happened to me once while fishing, so I totally believe in its veracity. Besides, the British newspaper The Telegraph wouldn’t lie to us, would they? Of course not! (coughbullshitcough)

It seems that this British Guy was fishing for mackerel in the surf of the Atlantic Ocean near Exmouth, England, when he got what he thought was the bite of a lifetime. Heart pounding at the mere thought of a giant catch, British Guy set the hook and fought the beast for must have seemed like an eternity. The catch then surfaced and British Guy’s pounding heart sank into his shorts, exposing something he would not expected in a million years. He had caught a …wait…for …it…scuba diver! I swear I am not making this up. Adding insult to injury, the diver was hooked in the balls! This gets even better. The diver’s girlfriend surfaced about this time and removed the fish hook from the guy’s nut sack, swam to shore and, according to the fishing British Guy, “nonchalantly handed the hook back to me and apologised.” bwahahahahahaha! That’s great stuff right there. Those whacky Brits are a laugh a minute, aren’t they? Stiff upper lip and all that. If a fisherman hooked me in the manhood, I come up with a spear gun and send him to his Reward. I’m just sayin’.

The dumbass in this story is the Scuba Diver. Why? He was supposed to have a little floating marker that showed divers were in the area. He didn’t. Dumbass. British Guy also had this to say, “My brother-in-law’s a diver and he said it served the bloke right – at the end of the day he could have ruined his kit (British for “nut sack”) or even worse.” Off the top of my head, I can’t think of many things worse than a 1/0 fish hook embedded in my scrotum, but I am sure that such things exist. Where? I don’t know, but they must exist and I do not want to know about them. Enough said.

The moral of this story is that when scuba diving the diver must let fishermen, boats, whatever, know that he is diving in the area. The diver should also, unlike the diver in the story, wear a protective cup over his junk just in case. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of nut sack.

Dumbass.

Advertisements

Pissin’ Off a Lady Who Has to Pee

Supper & a Deadly Weapon

Today is my birthday, so I am taking the day off to spend with my wife (Mrs. Fearless Leader) and little girls, Issy the 9 Year Old and Bailey the 5 Year Old. I’ll be back with a new dose of Dumbassery on Monday. 

 
In the mean time remember, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. Unless you guys are really weird; then all bets are off.
 
With that said, let’s go fishin’.
 
For those of you who are newcomers to Dumbass News, you may not know that I am a fisherman and a damn good one, too. Fish.Fear.Me. So, when a story is Dumbass News- worthy, I jump on that sucker like a duck on a June bug. And guess what? I found a fishing story that is Dumbass News-worthy!

In the winter, many residents of the northern half of the country don’t let frozen streams and lakes deter them from getting in a little fishing. They just get an auger and drill a hole into the iced up body of water, drop a line in that sucker and get after it.  Such is the case of a woman and two men who were recently ice fishing. One of the Cardinal sins of fishing is to not invade another fisherman’s space by fishing in the immediate area he is fishing in or to fish too closely to him. It’s just common courtesy, but if that rule is broken, it could led to unpleasant  consequences like a shouting match, fisticuffs or worse. Like being assaulted with a trout. What???!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, if you fish too close to another fisherman, he/she just might slap you upside the head with a fish. Fishermen are a serious bunch about their fishing hole being intruded upon. For example, a lady in Michigan was ice fishing when she felt her fishing hole was intruded upon by two men. This is where the dumbassery begins. The lady walked over to the men and asked them to turn their heads while she tinkled on the ice. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go and when you’re fishing, the world is your outhouse. Not that I would personally know these things <coughbullshitcough>, but when Nature calls, you’ve got to do something. But, I digress. The lady tells these two guys she’s gotta pee. The guys turned around as the dumbass lady requested, then she goes full tilt boogie bat shit crazy and smacks the two guys about the head and shoulders and the upper extremities of their bodies with a fish! I told you that fishermen are a serious bunch when it comes to “protecting” their fishing spot.

The cops were called and it was determined that the dumbass fishing lady was pissed off because, in her opinion, the two guys had put their shanty (portable ice fishing hut) too close to hers and she felt that a flagrant fishing felony was within the unwritten laws of fishing, so she bashed them with a bass. There’s a small matter that we haven’t discussed yet. We know that the two guys called the the fuzz and after being pummeled by a pissed off piscatorial perpetrator, these two dumbasses refused to press charges! Holy mackerel! What a couple of pansies.

I wanted to come up with a witty ending to this post, but I am drawing a blank. All I can say is that when you go fishing, be a good sport and don’t fish too close to the other guy. It’s really rude and
some folks, like the dumbass lady in the story, get a touch peeved when that happens. Besides, you never know if the other guy is packing a concealed catfish and he’s willing to use it. 

 
I’m just sayin’. 
 
Dumbasses.

Fearless Leader Remembers Dad

Dad, Debbie & the Young Siblings

Today’s story is very personal. If you came looking for teh funnay, I can’t bring it today. Having said that, I think many of you will relate to what I am gonna write about.

8 Years Ago Today 

June 5, 2004 was just another day at the Dumbass Dome. So I thought.

I was doing the normal routine – having a beer for breakfast, smokin’ a fatty and getting tuned up for work. I was walking past the front door of my house when I saw a black Toyota zoom into my drive way. It was my sister, Cheryl. From Dallas. 100 miles away from where I lived. Instinct told me that something was wrong. Very wrong.

It was. Very wrong.

My Dad had died. Unexpectedly. He was 65 years old. Much too young to meet his Maker. He had been in the hospital for some tests, but I had no idea whatsoever that his condition was life-threatening.

Dad could not have just died. I saw him a couple of days before as he and his wife, Debbie, drove by my house on the way to theirs. I lived about a half-mile down the road, so used to see Dad and Debbie drive by all the time. He looked OK, if not a bit skinny (for him). We chatted for a second or two and I told him, ,”I love you, Dad’. That was the last time I saw my Dad alive.


My Dad
Cecil Shoemaker, October 6, 1938 – June 5, 2004, was Dad to five kids – me and my two sisters he had with my Mom and a brother and sister he had with my Step Mom, Debbie. Dad was a Country Boy from Troup, Texas. He was a truck driver (CB Handle – “Gunslinger”. Dad loved Western movies, especially John Wayne) for over 40 years and countless millions of miles. A simple man who worked hard for everything he got.

He was tough as nails and soft as cotton at the same time. Contradictory? Maybe, but that was the way he was. An enigma. I must say here, however, that the “soft as cotton” side of my Father came a bit later in life. He’d agree with that, I’m sure.

On my birthday one year, I coaxed Dad into going fishing at Joe Poole Lake near Dallas. We were having a few beers and chunkin’ spinner baits along side a tree line in the water and BAM! I had one! It turned out to be a largemouth bass weighing about four pounds. Dad was at the back of the boat smiling like he’d just won the lottery. You know, I think at that moment he felt like he’d just become an instant millionaire. I was somewhere in my 30s when this all took place, but there was something in Dad’s eyes that said he was watching his little boy land his first fish. You know what? I was that little boy landing that first fish. A flood of memories of fishing stock ponds in East Texas when I was a small child inundated my mind. Instead of being in my boat on a big ass lake near one of the nation’s largest cities, there we were – Dad, me, Grandma, Grandpa, my sisters and my Mom – catching crappie on cane poles at my Uncle Walter’s place in Betty, Texas. Dad beaming like I had just become a BASSMasters Champion. Like I was a little boy again. And for a split second, he was “Daddy” and I was five years old.

I shall never forget that moment.

Or Dad.

You Never Know 

Nobody was expecting Dad to die that day eight years ago, but he did and we can’t put sand back into the hourglass, so we all had to adjust to life without him. We have adjusted I suppose, but there are still times when I run into a situation and automatically think to myself, “I’ll call Dad! He knows what to do!”

Then reality sets in in as quick as a hiccup.

I write this today, not only to remember my Dad, but to remind you of yours. If he’s still alive, call him once in a while. Have a beer with him. Take him fishin’. Most of all, tell him that you love him.

It may be the last words he ever hears from you.

Dumbass.

I love you, Dad.

The Greatest Dumbass Ever! Dumbass Fishing Stories! And Get Hooked on Dumbass News!

The Greatest Dumbass Ever!

As we begin this week’s look back into Dumbass News History, I’d first like to salute perhaps The Greatest Dumbass of Them All. He was born Jerome Lester Horvitz in New York on October 22, 1903. He was the youngest of four (or five, I forget, but so the fuck what) brothers. His older siblings included Moses and Samuel, who would also become two of the Greatest Dumbasses of All Time. Some combination of Jerome, Moses and Samuel have been entertaining men and children, but I repeat myself, for nearly 80 years. Their brand of comedy revolutionized the way we laugh at things. An eye poke here, a boink on top of the head there and, along with Lawrence Feinstein of Philadelphia, some of the most hilarious comedy in the history of mankind were their trademarks. My favorite of these three was Jerome. I’ll stop here because, if you haven’t already, you’ll guess that I am telling you of Curly Howard. yes, that Curly Howard. His brothers were Samuel (Shemp) and Moses (Moe). And as the late Paul Harvey said so many times over the years…Now you know the … of the story. Happy Birthday, Curly! The Greatest Stooge and the Greatest Dumbass. Check out this clip from 1936’s Disorder in the Court. Be sure to catch the part with Curly getting on the witness stand. After lterally seeing this hundreds of times over the last 50 plus years, I still fall out when I see it. Pure genius. Nyuk. Nyuk. Nyuk.

Not nearly as funny as Curly, but still pr damn humorous is a look at some of the columns that have been reader favorites over the last year’s worth of Dumbass News. Today’s theme; Fish.

That’s your Dumbass Seafood Menu for today, so sit back. relax and curse and laugh with much gusto at these dumbasses. It’ll make you feel better. Guaranteed.

Be sure to click on the “Follow By Dumbass Email” button so you’ll never again miss the latest mockery of dumbasses around the world, maybe even in your hometown! Well, the only dumbass in your hometown is probably you, but what the hey! Subscribe anyway! Each new post will be sent directly to your email inbox! You can also Tweet any post in the Dumbass News archives to both your friends! Located just above the Twitter button in the right sidebar is an AddThis button that allows you to share any post on the blog via the social media of your choice. Give it a click and a list of literally hundreds of social and bookmark sharing sites will pop up, and you can use any or all of them to pass along the latest in Dumbass News!  Thanks!

Adios,
Toby
Head Dumbass

Man Shows Tackle Box While Fishing; Has Only 4 Inch Worm

Small Bait for Small Fish

Dumbasses are, unfortunately, to be found everywhere on the Big Blue Marble, including, sadly, my favorite activity, fishing. If you are a fisherman like me, you are all too familiar with these dickweeds – the ones who zoom by in there $25,000 bass boats creating a wake and a jet engine level noise that really pisses off serious fisherman like me (Fish. Fear. Me.) These goobers have no sense of common courtesy or fishing etiquette. I loathe these morons. There are, however, other kinds of dumbasses that can ruin a good fishin’ trip without making a sound. Let me splain.

In Spokane, Washington, land of Fruits, Nuts, Transplanted Californians (but I repeat myself) and pot heads, one guy recently created quite a stir not by driving his fancy bass boat but by fishing in the nude. Other fishermen and outdoors enthusiasts were not amused. Dean the Nekkid Guy was showing his “nightcrawler” for all to see when he was reported to the police. Why Dean the Nekkid Guy was doing this isn’t clear, but witnesses confirmed that Dean wasn’t exactly “fishing for lunkers”, if you know what I mean and I think you do. The only thing this dumbass caught was a felony charge of indecent exposure. Dean racked up a felony accusation because this wasn’t his first time at showing his “tackle box” in public. No shit?! Dean had already accrued previous charges of stalking and indecent exposure, so Felonyville it was for this dipshit. Bill Dance this guy ain’t.

My advice to any other dope smoking freak is to keep your “crankbait” in your “tackle box” while in public. You never know when the cops will handcuff you and your “rod’ and throw your sorry ass into the Crossbar Marina. Even though lack of sufficient evidence may come into play.

Dumbass.

British Fisherman Catches 6 Foot, 200 Pounder, Then Releases It!

Scrotum Fisherman

The story I am about to enlighten you with is something very close to what happened to me once while fishing, so I totally believe in its veracity. Besides, the British newspaper The Telegraph wouldn’t lie to us, would they? Of course not! (coughbullshitcough)

It seems that this British Guy was fishing for mackerel in the surf of the Atlantic Ocean near Exmouth, England, when he got what he thought was the bite of a lifetime. Heart pounding at the mere thought of a giant catch, British Guy set the hook and fought the beast for must have seemed like an eternity. The catch then surfaced and British Guy’s pounding heart sank into his shorts, exposing something he would not expected in a million years. He had caught a …wait…for …it…scuba diver! I swear I am not making this up. Adding insult to injury, the diver was hooked in the balls! This gets even better. The diver’s girlfriend surfaced about this time and removed the fish hook from the guy’s nut sack, swam to shore and, according to the fishing British Guy, “nonchalantly handed the hook back to me and apologised.” bwahahahahahaha! That’s great stuff right there. Those whacky Brits are a laugh a minute, aren’t they? Stiff upper lip and all that. If a fisherman hooked me in the manhood, I come up with a spear gun and send him to his Reward. I’m just sayin’.

The dumbass in this story is the Scuba Diver. Why? He was supposed to have a little floating marker that showed divers were in the area. He didn’t. Dumbass. British Guy also had this to say, “My brother-in-law’s a diver and he said it served the bloke right – at the end of the day he could have ruined his kit (British for “nut sack”) or even worse.” Off the top of my head, I can’t think of many things worse than a 1/0 fish hook embedded in my scrotum, but I am sure that such things exist. Where? I don’t know, but they must exist and I do not want to know about them. Enough said.

The moral of this story is that when scuba diving the diver must let fishermen, boats, whatever, know that he is diving in the area. The diver should also, unlike the diver in the story, wear a protective cup over his junk just in case. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of nut sack.

Dumbass.