Some men are born into Dumbassery, others have it thrust upon them.
The overwhelming majority of the stories on Dumbass News are about idiots who are natural born Dumbasses – people who come into the world with the Dumbass Gene embedded in their DNA. Other stories usually involve people who are suddenly eat up with a bad case of Dumbass-itis and something, shall we say “out of the ordinary”, happens. It is these Dumbasses that we will honor today.
The 3rd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Awards are proud to present the nominees for the first-ever Flaming Dumbass Award!
- Flaming Tampon Attack! This story first graced the pages of Dumbass News last January. I can’t think of a better way to kick off a new year than with a post about a couple of Dumbasses trying to commit a felony with a Tampon Torch. Absolutely beautiful.
- Using a Blow Torch to Rid Your House of Spiders! (And Yourself of a House) – Maybe the next time spiders infest this Dumbass’ house, he’ll do something sensible. Like, oh, I don’t know, call a fucking exterminator perhaps!
- Unfriending on Facebook: A Leading Cause of Arson! – I’d hate to see what unfollowing on Twitter would lead to.
May I have the fire resistant envelope, please…
I am proud to announce the winner of the 2012 Flaming Dumbass Award…
Using a Blow Torch to Rid Your House of Spiders! (And Yourself of a House) Guy! Such a simple task, yet such disastrous results. Let this story, and by extension this award, be a reminder that an attack of Dumbass-itis can unexpectedly hit anybody at anytime.
If you find yourself the victim of Sudden Dumbass-itis Syndrome there are some steps you can take to minimize, or even avoid, the negative impact this malady can inflict upon you and your loved ones.
- Don’t create a Facebook account.
- Practice tampon control. Realize that feminine hygiene products are possessed by agents of Satan.
- Dispose of all flammable materials in your house.
- Avoid matches and lighters at all costs.
- Do not incinerate household pests with blow torches when a rolled up newspaper will do the trick.
- If you fail to heed the warnings of the tips above, for the sake of all that is Holy, DO NOT procreate. Dumbass-itis is hereditary. We certainly don’t need another generation of human beans that carry your DNA. There are too many Liberals in our country right now.
- In regards to Number 6: where’s my blow torch?
Best of Dumbass News
From the “Just When You Think Things Couldn’t Get Weirder But They Do Department”.
There has been some really strange stuff posted on Dumbass News over the life of the blog, and just when you think it’ll be a while before you see anything more stoopid than what’s already been posted, a dumbass from somewhere in the world will do something that leaves you in disbelief.
Think about it. Just yesterday I wrote a story about a Los Angeles cop who appeared in a porn movie. While on duty and in uniform! At the time I thought “This is gonna be tough to top. I may be waiting for months before a story this good comes along again.” I was wrong. It took a whole day for it to happen. A whole stinkin’ twenty four hours!
Add to the cop in the XXX movie stories about a guy who doo doo dives in port-o-potties, a drunk female dumbass who attacked a cop with a sex toy and a mailman who wanted to cheer a young lady up by delivering her mail while neekid and you barely scratch the surface of the dumbassery that has appeared on these pixels.
Dumbass of the Year for 2012 Candidate
As a former Professional Drinker, I can tell you with great certainty that booze can make people do some stoopid shit. I have done some of it myself and I have witnessed enough drunken dumbassery to write a dozen books. You gotta trust me on this one. 🙂
Case in point: two young dumbasses in Pennsylvania got into some sort of bullshit with a friend of theirs on Facebook. Upon determining that the girl in this pair had been wronged in some way by the Facebook Guy, our Dynamic Duo of Dumbasses decided that some sort of retribution for this perceived offense was in order for Facebook Guy. So they went looking for him. And found him. At a bar. What could possibly go wrong? Weeeeelllll, let me tell you…
After imbibing several adult beverages each, Patricia and Quentin (the 2 dumbasses) came up with a dandy plan to exact their revenge on Facebook Guy. They decided to vandalize his car. Nothing new there. This kind of thing happens all the time. But! It’s not the fact that Pat and Quentin wanted to trash Facebook Guy’s car, it’s how they went about doing it that shoots this story straight into the Dumbass Stratosphere.
After busting out all the windows, the couple then managed to get the hood on FB Guy’s ride opened and began ripping out wires and cables and all kinds of other car parts necessary to the proper operation of an internal combustion engine. At this point the car is of course disabled and thoroughly beat to shit. It is at this juncture that P & Q figured that the car (and Facebook Guy) had not suffered enough. Enter one of the best displays of dumbassery in the history of mankind. Patricia, being a young woman and all, somehow came up with a tampon. And what better way for a drunk, mentally unstable young woman bent on revenge to use a tampon than to set it aflame and try to stuff it down the oil spout on the motor of Facebook Guy’s car hoping to blow it to Kingdom Come! This sheer Dumbass Genius! Except for one thing.
The One Thing
Now, this is where alcohol comes into play. While firing up the tampon to use as a way to set the car on fire was a brilliant idea, putting it down the oil spout wasn’t such a bright thing to do. In my humble opinion as a guy who has started many fires in unorthodox ways, I believe our two dumbasses would have been far more successful had they 1) been sober and 2) inserted the flaming tampon into the gas tank. Sure oil will ignite when exposed to a flame, but it’s nowhere near as combustible as a tank full of 92 octane gasoline. Why do you think there’s a law against smoking while fueling up your car? That’s right. One tiny spark could very easily lead to one big BOOM!
Despite overlooking the difference in the volatility of motor oil versus gasoline, I commend these two mental midgets on a job almost well done. Well done just like they would have been had they not been too inebriated to do the job right! Drunk, stoopid and BBQ’ed is no way to go through life, you two. Still, I am awestruck at the virtuosity of the “Old Flaming Tampon to Blow Up Facebook Guy’s Automobile Trick.” Pure Mozart, I tell you. A masterpiece of unbridled dumbassery.
Flaming Tampons. Sounds like a punk rock band, doesn’t it?