Category: Florida Keys

Key West Guy Covers Self w/Ketchup In the Middle of Town to Protest Yankees!

We face a daunting dilemma in this country. The unemployment rate? No. Obamacare? Even worse.

“But Fearless Leader,” you plead, “what could be worse than the clusterfuck that is Obamacare or such a high jobless count?”

Well, ya Dumbass, I’ll tell you what kind of pickle the United States of America is in and the unnerving obstacle blocking our path that leads us back to the level of Freedom that our Founding Fathers envisioned for this country.


Yes, tourism.

Why Tourism?

Let me splain.

A Perfect Example

KEY WEST — The island just isn’t what it used to be.
The Key West Citizen reports that a  man who was covered in ketchup, sprawled in the middle of an Old Town  street and screaming profanities about tourists ruining his town was  arrested early Wednesday.
The 42-year-old homeless man was charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and misdemeanor resisting arrest.

See what I mean?

Look at the level of personal upheaval and inner turmoil, not to mention tomato ketchup, thrust upon this man, and possibly thousands more residents of Key West, simply because outsiders dare to visit and willingly spend ten millions of dollars each year in this island paradise. What. The. Fuck.

How dare tourists, the blight on mankind and the economy that they are, spend four bucks a gallon on gasoline to travel, often over 1000 miles, to Key West and while they are there spend another few grand on hotels, meals and “I Spent 5 Gs On This Trip to Key West and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt and An Up Close Look at Actual Hippie Pot Heads and Homos” t-shirts!

What’s Wrong With the People of Key West?

I can tell you in one word what the problem with the residents of the Southernmost Point in the Continental United States is: Yankees.

There! I said it!

Yankees have re-kindled the War of Northern Aggression. In a very subtle way. Yankees have infiltrated Florida! Hundreds of thousands of Yankees have left behind crummy Yankee state economies and outrageously high tax rates, not to mention winters that last for six months, and fled to sunny, warm, formerly Yankee-free locales like The Sunshine State. Here’s the kicker: once there, they try their dead level best to turn the place they immigrated to into a place like the hell hole that they left!

Yankees are sneaky like that.

It is for this reason that I believe the Ketchup Guy did what he did. It’s just that the newspapers in Key West are too pussified to lay bare the Truth. You see, in their version of this story the word “tourist” is a code word for “Yankee”, so it’s not the real tourists who are ruining Key West, it’s the Yankees! Amiright?

Moral of the Story

About forty years ago when Houston, Texas was in the middle of great economic prosperity, Yankees by the thousands moved to H-Town to escape Communist Regimes in places like Michigan. Houston had jobs and low taxes, Michigan had no jobs and high taxes. With this unprecedented influx of Northern Aggressors, Houston was forever transformed. Many Houstonians were not pleased.

Houston’s then-Mayor, Louie Welch, summed up the feelings of his town’s Native citizenry thusly: “Yankees are like hemorrhoids. If they come down and go back up, they’re OK. But if they come down and stay, they’re a pain in the ass.”

This is what’s happening in Key West and why some dipshit covered himself in ketchup and acted the fool. “Tourists” have invaded Paradise.

And in the case of Ketchup Guy, so have the Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip to***


911 Suicide Call Leads to 124 Pot Plants in Residence!

Latin Lettuce

I don’t mind sharing some aspects of my personal life with the Dumbass Horde. You’ve probably noticed that through some of the stuff I post on this very blog. I am gonna share something with you now, as a matter of fact.

I am mentally ill. Now you may be saying to yourself right now, “But, Fearless Leader, we already know that. A person would have to be clinically stoopid to write some of the shit you write.” And you would have a valid point.

But I am very serious here. I have been diagnosed with BiPolar Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, ABC123, STP and a shit load of other alphabetical mental illness stuff that I can’t even remember. However, that doesn’t mean that I am crazy. Goofy? Yes. Weird? Without a doubt. But a lunatic? Not yet.You’d never know that I am on the verge of insanity if you knew me. Unless you lived with me. Just ask my wife.

For many people with the same problems I have, suicide is a constant companion waiting in the wings for the OK to make an appearance. Luckily, I don’t have suicidal thoughts or tendencies that haunt me on a daily basis. Others in my situation do.

For instance, there’s this guy in Key Largo, Florida….

The Dumbass In Key Largo  

The Monroe County Sheriff’s Department got a call from a local resident about a possible suicide at a certain location. This is something that the law enforcement community takes very seriously. If somebody is disturbed enough to want to kill themselves, they may also be disturbed enough to kill others as well.

So the cops go to investigate.

Upon arrival at the scene of a potentially deadly situation, the police didn’t find a suicidal Dumbass, but a guy who probably wishes he was dead.

Splaination to follow.

Always Ask “Who’s There?”  

The Fuzz approaches the house, knocks on the door and someone from inside yells, “Come in!”.

The cop goes inside the place. There’s no one at the residence threatening Hari Kari, just some poor schlub cutting up a pot plant. One of 124 pot plants at the house! Surprise, Dumbass! It is my understanding that Key Largo is a pretty laid back place and the consumption of the Herb Superb is not that big a deal. I think, though, that having over a hundred pot plants growing inside your home is a big deal. Like do a long stretch at the Florida Institution for the Criminally Dumbass Big Deal. This is also not the Dumbass’ first run-in with the Law. He has previous convictions including check fraud, assault and battery and some drug charges (no kiddin’!) too.

The fact that the Dumbass, Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, will be unavailable for a stretch of 5 to 10 compels me to make the following Public Service Announcement:

If you buy your pot from Joseph Ebeling of Key Largo, Florida, he will not be out of the loop for a few years, therefore you need to find another Dope Guy for all your marijuana needs. This concludes this PSA from the Dumbass News Network.

Jose, your all expense paid vacation awaits you. I wouldn’t, however, count on conducting a continuing criminal enterprise (at least selling weed) in or around Key Largo when and if you get cut loose from the Big House. Somebody has already taken your place.


Dumbass Drops the Deuce on the Interstate!

Shit for Brains

I like to travel. I love seeing the “purple mountains’ majesty” “from sea to shining sea” of this land of ours. God has truly “shed His Grace on thee.”

I do all my running around the USA by car. I like to see stuff, to soak in and appreciate the Natural Wonders surrounding me. Traveling by automobile does have some drawbacks, however. Time spent getting from place to place being one of them. But that’s not really too bad as you can always take in the scenery just outside your car window. Finding a decent place to eat is a little more difficult and coming across a clean toilet is the cruelest Travel demon of all.

When Nature calls, men can, if it’s an emergency, simply pull off to the side of the road, scamper off into the nearby woods and take care of business. Women? Not so much.

For instance…

When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go

I must admit that when seeing the country by car, there are times when you gotta take a potty break and there’s no toilet in sight. This can present quite a dilemma. While your bowels are doing the Flamenco Dance, do you try to hold on for a little while or do you just pull over and take a healthy dump or perhaps, get ready to shed your nasty ass drawers at the next truck stop? This is not an easy decision to make, although the decision sometimes makes itself, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Melissa Mansfield was faced with such a quandry while traveling one of the busiest highways in the state of Florida. She chose to pull over and leave her calling card right on the side of the Interstate! Things then went from bad to worse for Melissa.

Almost There

During the Poop Process, Melissa the Doo Doo Dumbass, was spotted doing her thing by, you guessed it (!), a Florida State Trooper! The next phase of the Bad to Worse transition was a bout to take place.

When asked by the Fuzz for ID, the Dumbass Doo Doo Queen had none. Strike two.

Did I mention that she was driving a stolen car also? She was. Strike two and a half.

The piece resistance is that had Melissa waited for another five minutes before taking a shit on the side of the Interstate, she would have come upon a Rest Area with public toilets. As Maxwell Smart would say, “Missed it by that much!”

Wiped Out 

Our friend Melissa will now spend the next several years of her young life as a resident of State Facilities courtesy of a jury of twelve of her peers (pee pun intended) where she’ll be too pooped to drop the deuce. She’ll will, however, enjoy many hours of broom handle riding with her new friend, Peggy the “O’Cedar Makes My Life Easier” Finkelstein.

In other words, Melissa the Doo Doo Dipshit is about to learn what “squeezing the Charmin” is all about.


New Bank Robbery Tool; Underwear on the Head!

Bank Robber & Homo Faves

Criminals are, by definition, dumbasses. Out of the billions of crimes committed around the world each day, when was the last time you heard of the “perfect crime”? Yeah, I know that against all odds some crooks get away with their crimes. The “not quite so perfect crimes” are ones where the bad guys get away with their misdeeds for a number of years, then one day the FBI knocks on their door and Freedom ain’t so free any more.

I mean I can understand the fact that some idiot robs a 7-11 and gets away with it. Look at who works at a 7-11 these days – guys from Calcutta named “Bruce”. No offense to guys from Calcutta named Bruce, but sometimes these fellows are new to our country and things between them and the cops can get lost in the translation.

This Ain’t a 7-11

One crime that so many dumbasses attempt and think they can get off Scot Free is bank robbery. I have never understood this train of thought. Banks in the USA are probably the most surveilled locations in the world. I have seen banks whose structure was a mobile home. I don’t know how common this is in 49 states, but I do know that in my home state of Texas, some very small towns actually have a bank housed in a mobile home. I ain’t kiddin’.

Regardless, even these mobile home banks have very modern security systems. Just like any other bank, there are video cams every two feet overlooking every square inch of the place with the exception of the toilet.

So why would some dipshit think that he could rob a bank, move to Belize and live out his days on his ill-gotten gains? I just don’t get it, yet every day some dumbass robs a bank thinking he’ll be the first ever to elude the law. A safer bet would be that a Britney Spears marriage lasts a full week.

Skid Marks on the Disguise

Down in the Florida Keys, where the lifestyle is, how shall we say, “laid back”, some stoned dumbass thought that it would be a really good idea to rob a bank. Aside from the fact that robbing a bank pisses off the best law enforcement people in the world (see:FBI, Dept of Treasury, etc), even if this shit for brains had the perfect plan, he was robbing a bank on an island! The word “island” to me indicates that the land the bank is located on is surrounded by water. I could be wrong, but in this case, I think I’m spot on.

You may, as I do when I learn of a story like this one, what exactly does a bank robber in the FLA Keys were for a disguise when he commits his felonious act? My first inclination is to think that he wears a Jimmy Buffett mask but that’s just too passe for The Keys. My second choice for a bank robbing disguise in the Keys is ….underwear! this is a perfect ruse. Nobody in the Keys wears underwear, so chances are that a bank teller would freak out at the sight of some Fruit of the Looms.

A Note for the Teller 

The would-be felon did indeed go into the bank with underwear on his head and all intentions of ripping it off, going so far as to hand the teller a note saying, and I quote, “Give me what are the 20 and 50s”. it is now clear why the draws (underwear) on the head trick wasn’t such a big deal. While brilliant, the dumbass could have walked into the bank with a poster of his ID on it and not a soul would have noticed. The note he gave the teller fucked up the whole deal. The poor teller didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. Instead, she laughed. A lot. OK, I made the laughing part up, but would it surprise you if the teller fell over from laughing so hard and she had an aneurism?

You know what’s even better about this entire robbery? The teller was so confused by the note that the bad guy just gave up, turned around and split the scene. bwahahahahahahahaha!!! He was busted a few minutes later sans draws and now is serving time with a prison full of Florida Keys Homos that want to “drill baby drill”.

The next question would be, “Boxers or briefs?”. I’m just sayin’.