When it comes to stories about what lengths drug users and dealers go to to hide their stash, we’ve had some humdingers here on Dumbass News. A cursory search of the blog archives turns up several examples of the innovative methods tweakers employ when smuggling or simply concealing their narcotics:
- A Nigerian guy living in Brazil planned for his retirement by sending nearly six pounds of cocaine to his native land in roasted chickens!
- A couple of stoopid bitches were doin’ a solid for a boyfriend by trafficking more than a kilo of coke in their hair weaves!
- Fake boobs aren’t just for beauty pageant contestants and strippers any more. A Panamanian lady attempted to haul three pounds of blow into Barcelona in her breast implants!
- Not to be outdone, a guy named Dave was busted for having a mobile meth lab in his underwear!
These Dumbasses are pikers compared to the group of jizzwhistlers (thanks @ToddKincannon !) you will learn about today.
Brake Lights Ain’t All That Are Busted
|Up the Ass & In the Leg|
Four fine young Dumbasses were driving around in Charlotte County, Florida, minding their own bidness when a mean ole Charlotte County Sheriff’s Deputy pulled them over because the brake lights on their tan Hyundai were not working.
As per Standard Long Arm of the Law Operating Procedure, upon approaching the occupants of the
automobile, Deputy Dawg asked all four of the idjits in the car if they were in possession of guns, swords, stash, contraband or nuke-u-lar weapons. All four responded “negatory” and granted the cop permission to search the car.
This is OK if you have nothing to hide, but if you are holding illegal narcotics on your person, this can quickly, as they say, turn around and bite you in the ass. Such was the case when the Law asked one of the passengers if he had any drugs hidden in his prosthetic leg. He did.
It was at this point of the investigation that the fun began. If you were the Cops. The four suspects? Not so much.
Here a Drug, There a Drug, Everywhere a Drug Drug
Now the Fuzz has the right to really start a serious examination of not only the car, but the Four Dumbasses as well.
The driver of the car, a woman, was found to be concealing a bag of some nasty shit (morphine and hydromorphine) in her bra. She also confessed to having a hydromorhine pill in her wallet laying on the front seat of the car. At this time, she performed the Old Fake-a-rooni Evasive Maneuver on the Deputy, raced over to her wallet, quickly grab said pill and swallowed it!
During a further inspection of the car, the cops found some other shit, including some hypodermic needles.
Then it happened.
The lady ‘fessed up and admitted that she had one more hypo hidden on her person.
In. Her. Ass.
Now, I’m not a user of illegal drugs, but if I were, and I learned that the needle I was about to use to main line some morphine had been hidden in some chick’s asshole, it is at this exact moment that I would become an ex-illegal drug user. Pronto. “Tainted” narcotics (see what I did there?) be damned.
It won’t be long now that the young lady’s ass will be used for more than concealing hypodermic needles. See: Lezbeans in Prison movies.
Here at Dumbass News we pride ourselves in the fact that we find the cream of the crop of dumbassery. Well, that and the fact that we haven’t been caught plagiarising other peoples’ work – yet. But that’s a story for another day. We at Dumbass News also bring to you the World’s Greatest Dumbasses on riding lawnmowers. And after much research, we have expanded our Dumbasses on Lawn Care Machines to include Dumbasses on Golf Carts! Our next entry in this category, hopefully, will be Dumbasses on Hover Rounds.
Anyway, back to the golf carts and the dumbasses who drive them. The Villages is a retirement community down in Marion County, Florida. In other words, old, rich, white people live there, play golf, tennis and other sissy sports like badminton and croquet. One of the old, rich, white guys who lives at The Villages is Bob McNicol. Bob’s golf cart was stolen from his old, rich, white guy home by some not-so-rich, fat white guy. The not-so-rich fat white guy then went on a crime spree while driving the golf cart! This guy is in the Dumbass Hall of Fame by virtue of stealing stuff while on a stolen golf cart. Brilliant! The fat guy then drives the golf cart to a nearby shopping center and burglarizes a shed belonging to a restaurant at the shopping center. What does he steal from the shed? $240 worth of cooking oil! All I can figure is that the guy is planning a helluva chicken fry or he has one of those greenie weenie cars that runs on vegetable oil. I’m going with the chicken fry at this time because fat white guys don’t drive greenie weenie cars that run of vegetable oil. They do, however, eat a shitload of fried chicken. After heaping praise on this dumbass for his ingenuity, he does something that proves he’s just an ordinary, run-of-the-mill fat dumbass when he broke into a storage shed that belongs to a VA Hospital, where the dumbass took some cleaning supplies, a shovel and a ladder. I imagine that some of the guys at the VA Hospital have some creative uses for cleaning supplies, a shovel, a ladder and the thief’s anal cavity. But that’s just an educated guess on my part.
Be on the look out for a fat white guy in a blue shirt and blue shorts (that describes half the white guy population of Florida) who’s driving a white and tan EZ Go golf cart with a US Army sticker on the windshield. If you should see this man, confront him, beat the hell out of him and then call the VA Hospital for clever ways to shove cleaning supplies, a shovel and a ladder up his sorry thieving ass.
Hat tip to msnbc.com
Best of Dumbass News
During moments of temporary insanity or as we call it here on Dumbass News, dumbassery, people are inclined to do some pretty damn stoopid stuff, including assault. Assault with, shall we say unusual objects. We have covered many such incidents on these pages and each new one seems to be more bizarre than the one before it.
A few examples of Dumbasses Gone Wild (soon to be on DVD!) I have brought to the attention of Dumbasses around the world range from the lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy to the story of a one legged man assaulted by a Dumbass with a cucumber salad. I ain’t makin’ this shit up.
I ain’t makin’ the following shit up either.
By “snack attack” I don’t mean some dumbass smoked a fatty and went for the Cheetos like a pit bull on a t-bone. I mean he actually committed assault with a snack food! Cheez-Its to be precise.
Andy Gatz, the Dumbass Du Jour in Palm Bay, Florida, got quite upset with his wife. Why was Andy so pissed off at his beloved? She had the unmitigated gall to attend a concert celebrating Earth Day! While I think Earth Day is a Liberal Pussy Steaming Pile ©, getting so bent over such a stoopid thing is a bit over the line. Even for a Dumbass.
Good old Andy was so livid that he picked up a box of Cheez-Its and threw them at his spouse hitting her in the eye! Not only did the Cheez-Its smack the woman in the peeper, a small piece of one of the snack crackers lodged in her eye causing some sort of injury.
The lady was treated at a local Emergency Room and released.
This Ain’t the First Time
Cheez-Its are a popular tool of the trade with Dumbass Criminals in Florida. Just last year in Jacksonville, a burglar who had busted into a Jax home was so proud of himself that he actually took a photo of himself holding a box of Cheez-Its signed by then Head Coach of the NFL Jacksonville Jaguars, Jack Del Rio, during the commission of his crime! He is now a Prison Bitch. Andy, too, will soon be a favorite “snack food” of Bruce “The Horse” Fenwick. If you know what I mean and I think you do.
My advice to Andy is that the next time he gets infuriated enough to go Nolan Ryan on his wife, heave something original at the poor chick. Something that will do some serious damage. Like a can of Campbell Soup.
Nacho Cheese flavor of course. It makes a nice lube for future “Share Your Snack Time” at the Florida Department of Corrections’ I Take It Up the Velveeta Boulevard Unit.
We face a daunting dilemma in this country. The unemployment rate? No. Obamacare? Even worse.
“But Fearless Leader,” you plead, “what could be worse than the clusterfuck that is Obamacare or such a high jobless count?”
Well, ya Dumbass, I’ll tell you what kind of pickle the United States of America is in and the unnerving obstacle blocking our path that leads us back to the level of Freedom that our Founding Fathers envisioned for this country.
Let me splain.
A Perfect Example
KEY WEST — The island just isn’t what it used to be.
The Key West Citizen reports that a man who was covered in ketchup, sprawled in the middle of an Old Town street and screaming profanities about tourists ruining his town was arrested early Wednesday.
The 42-year-old homeless man was charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and misdemeanor resisting arrest.
See what I mean?
Look at the level of personal upheaval and inner turmoil, not to mention tomato ketchup, thrust upon this man, and possibly thousands more residents of Key West, simply because outsiders dare to visit and willingly spend ten millions of dollars each year in this island paradise. What. The. Fuck.
How dare tourists, the blight on mankind and the economy that they are, spend four bucks a gallon on gasoline to travel, often over 1000 miles, to Key West and while they are there spend another few grand on hotels, meals and “I Spent 5 Gs On This Trip to Key West and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt and An Up Close Look at Actual Hippie Pot Heads and Homos” t-shirts!
What’s Wrong With the People of Key West?
I can tell you in one word what the problem with the residents of the Southernmost Point in the Continental United States is: Yankees.
There! I said it!
Yankees have re-kindled the War of Northern Aggression. In a very subtle way. Yankees have infiltrated Florida! Hundreds of thousands of Yankees have left behind crummy Yankee state economies and outrageously high tax rates, not to mention winters that last for six months, and fled to sunny, warm, formerly Yankee-free locales like The Sunshine State. Here’s the kicker: once there, they try their dead level best to turn the place they immigrated to into a place like the hell hole that they left!
Yankees are sneaky like that.
It is for this reason that I believe the Ketchup Guy did what he did. It’s just that the newspapers in Key West are too pussified to lay bare the Truth. You see, in their version of this story the word “tourist” is a code word for “Yankee”, so it’s not the real tourists who are ruining Key West, it’s the Yankees! Amiright?
Moral of the Story
About forty years ago when Houston, Texas was in the middle of great economic prosperity, Yankees by the thousands moved to H-Town to escape Communist Regimes in places like Michigan. Houston had jobs and low taxes, Michigan had no jobs and high taxes. With this unprecedented influx of Northern Aggressors, Houston was forever transformed. Many Houstonians were not pleased.
Houston’s then-Mayor, Louie Welch, summed up the feelings of his town’s Native citizenry thusly: “Yankees are like hemorrhoids. If they come down and go back up, they’re OK. But if they come down and stay, they’re a pain in the ass.”
This is what’s happening in Key West and why some dipshit covered himself in ketchup and acted the fool. “Tourists” have invaded Paradise.
And in the case of Ketchup Guy, so have the Dumbasses.
***Hat Tip to Floridaduh.wordpress.com***
Best of Dumbass News
For our Dumbass of the Day this morning, we travel once again to the Sunshine State, where the sunshine is evidently rich in vitamin D – D for dumbass. A dumbass lady who lives in the Florida panhandle town of Milton, has been charged with Grand Theft after she wrote a check for $1000 from her boyfriend’s bank account. Her DEAD boyfriend’s bank account. Talk about your penalty for early withdrawal!
The dumbass bimbo who perpetrated this outrageous crime is named Teresa. Teresa’s boyfriend died last February and being the dutiful “significant other” that she is, Teresa paid for the guy’s funeral, some outstanding bills, property taxes and to get her car repaired. From his bank account! Not that the boyfriend was complaining, being dead and all, but Teresa , faithful gal that she was, took care of all these expenses to the tune of $23,470 with forged checks. Teresa may be dutiful and faithful, but, boy is she a dumbass. It was the aforementioned $1000 check that got her busted. When confronted by the police, Teresa told them that she was “so scatterbrained” that she accidently put an extra zero on the amount the check was written for. The cops, as you can imagine, had some doubts as to the veracity of her claims. In other words, one cop said to the other, “This is one dumbass woman”. The other cop replied, “Yep” and they arrested Teresa for Grand Theft and being a dumbass without a license.
Maybe one of you Bible scholars out there can put me some knowledge. Ain’t there a Commandment or something in the Good Book about stealing from the dead? If there’s not, there ought to be. I think I’ll have to get on the phone with the Pope later today and lay down the smack about robbing the dearly departed and what in the name of all that is Holy can we do about this kind of thing. Can we “create” a Special Place in Hell where you have to listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber for eternity? Barring that, this dumbass broad could be given a job in Washington, D.C. as a salesperson for ObamaCare. Now that’s a fate worse than death or The Joy Behar Show played on a continuous loop til the end of time. My advice to this pea brained amoeba is to seek salvation ASAP. Some fates are worse than death, Miley and Justin rolled into one, but NOTHING is worse than that Godless skank and all around vile bitch Joy Behar. NOTHING.
Life is hectic. Even more so at this time of year, what with all the Christmas/Hanukkah festivities going on in schools, churches, synagogues and communities all across the Fruited Plain.
When some precious free time avails itself to us, it’s nice to sit back and take it easy for a few hours by taking in a movie or some other leisurely activity.
Or you could throw a frozen pizza in oven and watch a bunch of has-beens and never-weres on some stoopid shit TV thing like the recent 12/12/12 concert.
That’s exactly what Richard and Debra Watson of Orange City, Florida were doing when things got out of hand. And by “out of hand” I naturally mean “attempted murder”.
Half Done Totino’s
Dick and Deb (I hope they don’t mind if I call them Dick and Deb and fuck ’em if they do) were having a nice quiet evening at home. Deb was watching that dumbass 12/12/12 concert while Dick was off in another room of the house measuring out 8-balls of blow. OK, I made up the part about measuring out 8-balls. I just wanted to spice up this story.
Anyway, the concert had ended and Dick went into the living room to join Deb is a little frozen pizza action. The pizza wasn’t cooked well enough for Dick so he got mad and threw his plate full of Totino’s Double Pepperoni onto the floor. Not to be outdone, Debra did likewise. Now we have two plates of perfectly good frozen-yak shit-for-pizza decorating the LR floor.
This is where the dog’s water bowl comes in.
You see, it is at this point of this tawdry episode that Richard takes exception to the fact that Debra threw her not-quite-done pizza across the room also. I guess Dick is the only one in that household that is allowed to chunk cheap ass frozen pizza to the other side of the house.
We can surmise that Dick was pissed because this was when Dick tackled Deb and thrust her face into a dog’s bowl full of water!
After nearly being drowned to death, Deb was able to break free from Dick. Dick, however, caught up with her and backed her into a corner where he proceeded to strangle her!
A neighbor called the cops and Richard Watson was arrested.
At this juncture of our story I have concluded a few things.
- Dick doesn’t like half-cooked cheap ass pizza.
- Dick gets really upset when somebody besides him tosses cheap ass pizza across the living room.
- That must be a helluva big doggy water bowl if it holds enough water to drown a full grown woman.
- While putting forth a maniacal effort to commit homicide, Dick is really persistent.
- Dick is a dick.
All told, Dick will soon be getting plenty of dick as a prison bitch once he has been convicted of attempted murder-by-doggie-water bowl.
A Dumbass First
In the nearly two and a half years that I have been writing this blog, we have seen attempted murder-by-toilet seat, attempted murder-by-The Walking Dead and out and out murder by squeezing a man’s scrotum until he DIED, but this is the very first time at Dumbass News that we have covered an attempted murder-by-doggie’s-water-dish.
Congratulations, Dick, may you soon queef where you used to fart.
My job in keeping this blog up and running is just a matter of me getting off my ass and writing something every day. That’s the hard part. The easy part is, as I have mentioned a million times, finding a dumbass to write about. And as Luck would have it, this Great Experiment in Democracy with its 310 million plus residents provides an endless supply of dumbass material. three of the most common themes are drugs (namely pot), tattoos and dead people.
Dead people tend to make the headlines quite often actually. I have written several stories about the dumbassery that goes along with being dead, not that it’s the dead guy’s fault. For some Dead People Dumbassery, you can check this post about the dearly departed receiving Social Security benefits and other taxpayer-funded subsidies. On a related note, this guy was getting his monthly gubmint check like clockwork. I am sure he would appreciate that except for the fact that he’s dead! And, lo and behold, today death again leads us to more dumbassery from the people put in charge of the department of Public Dumbassery and Stoopid Shit. I know that’s going around the coffee cup to find the handle but it’s worth the wait for today’s Dumbassery From the Grave!!
|High Tech Target Practice|
Best of Dumbass News
In Miami Gardens, Florida (Florida!!!), the city uses traffic light cameras to catch those hardened criminals who run red lights! As you know I am against violence unless it is totally necessary to the plot. Plot meet violence. Hence, I shall refer to traffic light cameras as “target practice”. I absolutely do not endorse or encourage any dumbasses to sight in his .22 rifle on the local “target practice” in his town, but I live in New England and I can not report what I don’t witness. I’m just sayin’. Back to Miami Gardens and the “target practice-using communists who run the place…Recently, “target practice” caught a car breaking a traffic law at a local traffic intersection. :::SNAP::: The
traffic light cam “target practice” did its “job” by catching this vicious resident violating City Law! Score one for the Commies. Almost. The car featured in the photo was the car of a dead woman! The decedent’s family had, already turned in the tags to her car and done all the Commie Bullshit a family’s gotta do after a loved one dies. But the “target practice” doesn’t lie! Look! There’s the image of the car and it’s driver right there! The one minor flaw in the photographic evidence of wrong doing is that the, once again, the lady who owned the car is graveyard dead. Has been for months. So now the City and the company who runs the “target practice” program in Miami Gardens (American Traffic Solutions, Inc.) are back tracking like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers doing the tango. Same old shit. “We’re sorry…”, “we’ll take care off it for you…”…the usual crap.
Here’s my take: Take down these fucking electronic invaders of my space and privacy and shove them up your collective ass, Miami Gardens! As far as American Traffic Solutions, inc., the program overseers, what I have in mind for them is against the law in Florida, so I’ll refrain from comment o that except to say that it involves a ribeye steak rub on the body, alligators and other such fun, froth and frivolity. It is my firm belief that until these “target practices” are removed from traffic lights in Miami Gardens (bwahahahaha, I kill myself. Like that will ever happen!). Or until they somehow malfunction and are beyond repair and cost prohibitive to replace. Two words: target practice. I hope you know that I am just teasing about that part.