Category: Food Network

Ina Gives in to Pressure! Will Cook With Sick Kid! But She’s Still a Dumbass

Today we are going to revisit a post I did a couple of days ago. This is necessary to the plot. let me el explain-o.

On April 1, I went ballistic on the Food Network’s “Barefoot Contessa”, Ina Garten. Rather than recount the whole thing again here, I’ll pick out a few selected quotes from the April 1 post. I will tell you that I lit into Ina because she twice turned down a request to help out the Make A Wish Foundation grant the wish of a six year old boy with cancer! My Mother would not be proud of me for the things I wrote. it was ugly. For instance, I wrote this “I have no sympathy for a cold-hearted bitch who is “too busy” to make a fucking phone call to a terminally ill little boy who doesn’t know how much time he has left”. And that was one of the nicer things I wrote. If you don’t mind really bad language and the truth, here’s the whole thing. Read it if you dare.

At the time I put those words to paper, as it were, I meant every damn syllable of it. And guess what? It worked! Due to the repercussions and overwhelming pressure initiated by my brilliant, though-provoking post, Ina has changed her mind. Actually, I made that last sentence up, but a dumbass can dream, can’t he? Ina Garten doesn’t give a shit about what I think, but she does give a shit about thousands of emails and phone calls to the Food Network from pissed off viewers telling her what a cold-hearted diva she is. Therefore she crumbled like a house of cards. Upon reconsideration, Ina called the sick kid and invited him to hang around the Food Network studios while she tapes her program, so, in the end, things worked out like they should have, even though Garten and her “people” were less than gracious about the situation from the beginning. I am still not sure Ina learned her lesson though, or she should fire her spoke-dumbass becuase the spokes-dumbass told ABC News, “Ina became aware of Enzo’s story this weekend and will be calling him today,” a spokesperson for Garten.” She found out this weekend? That’s a steaming pile of horse hockey if I ever smelled one. This story was all over the old and new media for almost a week before somebody notified her? Uh huh. And Santa Claus will bring me a new truck and bass boat for Christmas. Dumbasses.

I am not going to pound Ina again today because she finally ended up doing the right thing, if a day late and a dollar short. I will, however, continue to boycott her show because she still seems to be a first class bitch, or at least that’s the impression her spokes-dumbass has left us with. Prove me wrong, Ina. If you’ve got once ounce of self respect left, you should personally make a statement in your own words for us all to see and let us make up our own minds about your bitchness or lack thereof. And one more thing, Ina…fire the stupid fuck, or stupid fucks, that act as your press liaison. There are a bunch of incompetent idiots who did you no favors during this whole ordeal.

This is your shot at redemption, Ina. Make the best of it. I’ll be waiting and watching, don’t let me, or especially the sick kid, down. Until then, you are still a dumbass.


Splodin’ Gnocchi Threat Alert!!!

Protect Your Gnocchi at All Costs

I like to cook. I really do. I am not a trained chef or anything like that, I just kinda cook “by ear” as it were. And believe me, my ears get hot! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be here all week! This blog is called Dumbass News, not Readers Digest, what do you expect? Robin Williams? But I digress. Anyway, I like to cook. I have no formal training, other than being a bachelor for so many years before I met Heather. I’m the type of cook who checks out the cupboards to see what I have on hand and start bouncing ideas around in my head. What I cook may be somewhat “non-traditional”, but the vast majority of the time , it turns out good. I must admit, though, that if I ever got a show on Food Network, it would be named something like Cooking Your Way to a Heart Attack or some such. My last meal, given a choice, would be a big ass T-bone, medium rare, baked potato with sour cream, a tub of butter (real butter) chives, real bacon bits and cheese plus a couple of big, fat, juicy ears of sweet corn with a side of a gallon of butter. That would be my last meal. That or a Triple Baconator and large fries from Wendy’s along with a chocolate shake.

I bring all this cooking stuff up today because I saw a video earlier this morning with some wimpy little dumbass making gnocchi. The dumbass is such a frakkin sissy because the oil he was cooking the gnocchi in got too hot and popped around like oil that’s too hot does, especially when you deep fried something! What a fookin’ pansy. Despite the fact that the dumbass cooking the gnocchi is a dipshit, I must admit that about half way through the video (it’s a little less than 3 minutes long), Pansy Boy goes ape shit (in a funny way) when the gnocchi transform into an IED. I hope no bad guys watch this video. The security of this country could be in grave danger if they do. I’d hate to have to kill a man for carrying a loaded gnocchi, but I’ll do whatever it takes to protect my family from the evil bastards. On the other hand, the dumbasses are doing me a favor by trying kill me and my family with exploding gnocchi. I won’t have to call for pizza delivery.

Watch the video and take notes on how you can best protect your loved ones in case of an exploding gnocchi attack. And remember this: when gnocchi are outlawed, only outlaws will have gnocchi. One more thought-provoking  moral to the Dumbass with the splodin’ gnocchi – they can have my gnocchi when they pry it from my cold, dead hands. Dumbasses.