We have talked before how cool the internet is and all the spiffy things you can do on it – shopping, paying bills, watching pron, etc…As good as all that stuff is, there are an equal number of bad things about the 3 Dub (that stands for “www.”; a nickname us blogging sensations use when communicating with each other) Scams, phishing, ID theft, etc. For example…
My wife got this email last night. It sounds very ominous and basically implicates her in a very serious crime. I will print it n its entireity belo then dismantle it point by point.
The Very Serious Email
- Good Day.
This is the internet fraud unit of the Interpol police, we are mandated by the British High Commission and the FBI to combat internet fraud and our monitoring device picked up several signal transaction on your server and since then we have been monitoring all your internet transaction and we have just discovered that you have been into series of transaction and we have been on the trail ever since.
From our investigation you have been into a transaction worth of millions of dollars which you have spent money on, and we discovered from our investigation that you have been dealing with the wrong people. A compensation of six hundred and fifty thousand united state dollars ($650,000.00) has been allocated to all Americans, Arabians,Europeans,canadians and Asian citizen who have been scammed and harassed on the internet. We are also been backed up by the UNITED NATIONS. We have been investigating emails been directed to selected individuals.
We want to clear your doubts; you are to continue your transaction with Robert Nicholas of the compensation payment department immediately.Please you are to notify us when you receive this email.
You are not to disclose this information to a third party as we are on the trail to get all perpetrators of cyber crime.
Thank you for your understanding
Head Internet Fraud Unit.
Sounds ominous, huh?
I would think that such letters are intended for older people who are not so internet savvy or maybe even a little off kilter upstairs.Sadly, there those who fall for this shit every day of the week. That’s almost understandable. But consider also the fact that perfectly functioning, mentally stable, smart, grown people get involved in scams like this all the time. These are the dumbasses to whom I am referring in this post.
Let’s play a Dumbass Game right now. Let us say that you received this email and were so scared that you soiled your drawers thinking that you could be in some serious shit.Fear not! Fearless Leader s here to cast aside your worries and fears! Ya Dumbass. And I say that with love in my heart.
For your sanity, not to mention your bank account, let us dismantle this fraudulent communique step by step, shall we?
This will be easy.
- The greeting of the email, “Good Day”. I may be in the minority here but if you are involved in a serious crime, I highly doubt the first words of the letter would be ‘good day”. “Hey, you rotten thieving sonuvabitch” or “Mr. Smith” maybe, but there’s no way in hell that an email of this nature begins with a sunny phrase such as “good day”.
- Interpol is indeed an international police force kind of thing. However, I don’t think that they are stoopid enough to inform a criminal suspect of their (Interpol’s) activities during a major fraud investigation. Don’t you Dumbasses ever watch James Bond movies? Geez.
- The bullshit about the British High Command: the BHC has no jurisdiction whatsoever in the United States.If I’m not mistaken, neither does Interpol..I believe Interpol is an investigative type agency. It’s headquartered in Fwance, so take it for what it’s worth. That’s not to say that Interpol is worthless, but I am skeptical of it nonetheless.
- Some of the grammatical; mistakes alone send up a red flag the size of an 18 wheeler right away. Notice “canadians” and “several signal transaction” and other stuff that leads me to believe that some guy in Nigeria is the author of this crap. The do a lot of internet scamming in Nigeria.
- The Dumbass who wrote this also says that his group is backed by the United Nations! Oh, my God! Run for the hills! Not the UN! I say, fuck the UN! Sideays. With a rusty BBQ grill brush. The UN is as useful as tits on a boar hog.
- Notify the writer upon receipt of the email. Yeah, I’ll get right on that. This deal stinks more and more by the word.
- Don’t tell anybody, you are instructed. That all by its own self says, “I am gonna rip you off so bad and so fast, you won’t know what hit you, fucking idiot.”
- “Thank you for your understandin”. If you understood you wouldn’t be Dumbass enough to fall for this fraud!
- The closing is a real beauty. “Faithfully”? Really? The only thing this asshole is faithful to is rippuing off and ripping you off bad.
There’s more, but I think you get the idea.
That’s my Public Service Announcement for this week, so please remember that the British High Command and Interpol have absolutely no jurisdiction in the United States.If the High Sheriffs (FBI, Treasury Dept.et al) think you are involved in some high tech, high-level, international fraud scheme, and have sufficient evidence, you won get an email about it, they will be knocking down your door like a Mack Truck hit it with several US Army tanks at their disposal. And they won’t be real nice when they slap the bracelets on you.
This post was almost serious. Do not make me go through this again.Got it?
When it’s a slow Dumbass News Day, I can always fall back on certain places where dumbasses thrive, much to the chagrin of local residents. In order, my go-to for a dumbass places are California (beautiful state overrun by dumbasses), France (because they are France) and Florida (a great place with too many snow-dumbasses).
Today, I chose France as our Destination for Dumbasses because I hate to pick on Florida, it’s not Floridians’ fault for the influx of snow-dumbasses. I don’t mind picking on California, but if I keep it up for too long each of the 36 million people who live there will be in therapy all at the same time, and they’ve got enough problems without continually pointing out the dumbasses in their midst, even though it would be a lot of fun. I pick on France because those pussies deserve every pot shot thrown their way just because they are French. And they are pussies. And dumbasses. All. Of. Them.
|Gus’ Duck Gets Daffy***|
In some town in France whose name is way too long type over and over, but translates to We are pussies. All. Of. Us., is a guy who owns a duck farm. Being a duck farmer alone qualifies this imbecile as a dumbass, but there is more to his story that puts him in a dumbass class of one. He has a dumbass name too. Michel. I know it translates to Michael, but it also translates to I am a pussy, so I am gonna call the guy Gus. At least “Gus” doesn’t sound like a girls name. But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Gus is a duck farming dumbass. He has 150 ducks on his farm and he says it’s quite a chore to keep them all from getting worms. I suspect that is true. So, to keep his ducks wormless, Gus called in a “specialist” for advice on how to keep 150 ducks from getting worms. The “specialist” said that Gus should feed them pot. Yes pot. Marijuana. Weed. Chronic. Latin lettuce. Meskin Marlboros. It takes a lot of weed to keep 150 ducks from getting worms and Gus was up to the task of making sure there was plenty of the loco weed on hand to “de-worm” his ducks. As a matter of fact, the local gendarme, which is French for “we are the police, but we are pussies, too”, got wind (pun intended) of Gus’ magic duck de-wormer and paid him an official visit.
On his duck farm the cops found twelve pot plants and eleven pounds of bagged pot. The police were impressed by Gus’ dedication to de-worming his ducks, but not so much by his stash, to which Gus readily admitted he had smoked some of the marijuana. No shit? Dumbass. When the matter finally went to court, Gus’ lawyer told the judge, “This is for real, not one (duck) has worms and they’re all in excellent health,” said Jean Piot, Gus’ lawyer. Ya think? I told you that every damn Frenchman alive is a dumbass! This gets better.
A police representative said the incident marked “the first time we’ve heard of something like this.” Good Gawd!!! Frakkin’ dumbass!!!!! What do you expect from a country that eats duck like Americans eat McDonalds, but will not ever Southern fry a good yardbird ( that’s a chicken for the uninitiated) and serve it with smashed taters and cream gravy? This incident further proves that France is a lost cause. If the Moose Limbs don’t get ’em, the Dumbass will. Vive la France! Les dumbasses.
***image from butterfunk.com***
Welcome, degenerates and dumbasses from around the globe, to our second installment of Dumbass Laws! The USA is the world’s leader in many things that benefit mankind – stuff like food production, technology, medicine, etc. Sadly, we also lead the world in the number of dumbass laws still on the books – except for France. Nobody can have that many dumbass laws and still survive as a country for long. But, I digress.
I’m not here to rag on France, even though it’s fun and easy to do, I am here to tell you about some of the dumbass laws still in effect all around The Fruited Plain. These dumbass laws are probably of French origin, so that explains a lot. (I told you it was fun and easy). Again, I digress.
Actual Dumbass Laws still on the books:
Colorado: in the city of Durango, it is illegal to wear clothes “unbecoming one’s sex”.
DN: Really? Have you seen the number of Californians in Colorado these days? They’ll turn Durango into San Fransissy East in no time. Just sayin’.
Connecticut: In Hartford, it is against the law for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
DN: Lucky bastards. They get to watch football all day without interruption.
Delaware: if you fly over a body of water, you’d better have a sufficient supply of food and drink. Otherwise, you are breaking the law.
DN: That’s all well and good, but I have a question. Can you use a bologna sandwich as a flotation device? Just askin’.
Florida: You may want to re-pack your suitcase if you are headed to Miami. Why? It is illegal for a MAN to wear any type of strapless gown.
DN: Well, hell. There goes my weekend in Miami. Dumbasses.
Georgia: Quitman must have something against bad jokes. In that Georgia city, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
DN: Now we’ll NEVER know the answer as to why the chicken crossed the road. Unless the answer is “to get a jaywalking ticket”. Dumbasses.
I bet even in France, chickens can legally cross the road. Unless the truck drivers, etc. are on strike again for some dumbass reason like having to work all the way up to 62 years old. Dumbasses.