Category: Fraud

Dead Guys Don’t Cash Checks

Best of Dumbass News

For our Dumbass of the Day this morning, we travel once again to the Sunshine State, where the sunshine is evidently rich in vitamin D – D for dumbass. A dumbass lady who lives in the Florida panhandle town of Milton, has been charged with Grand Theft after she wrote a check for $1000 from her boyfriend’s bank account. Her DEAD boyfriend’s bank account. Talk about your penalty for early withdrawal!

The dumbass bimbo who perpetrated this outrageous crime is named Teresa. Teresa’s boyfriend died last February and being the dutiful “significant other” that she is, Teresa paid for the guy’s funeral, some outstanding bills, property taxes and to get her car repaired. From his bank account! Not that the boyfriend was complaining, being dead and all, but Teresa , faithful gal that she was, took care of all these expenses to the tune of $23,470 with forged checks. Teresa may be dutiful and faithful, but, boy is she a dumbass. It was the aforementioned $1000 check that got her busted. When confronted by the police, Teresa told them that she was “so scatterbrained” that she accidently put an extra zero on the amount the check was written for. The cops, as you can imagine, had some doubts as to the veracity of her claims. In other words, one cop said to the other, “This is one dumbass woman”. The other cop replied, “Yep” and they arrested Teresa for Grand Theft and being a dumbass without a license.

Maybe one of you Bible scholars out there can put me some knowledge. Ain’t there a Commandment or something in the Good Book about stealing from the dead? If there’s not, there ought to be. I think I’ll have to get on the phone with the Pope later today and lay down the smack about robbing the dearly departed and what in the name of all that is Holy can we do about this kind of thing. Can we “create” a Special Place in Hell where you have to listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber for eternity? Barring that, this dumbass broad could be given a job in Washington, D.C. as a salesperson for ObamaCare. Now that’s a fate worse than death or The Joy Behar Show played on a continuous loop til the end of time. My advice to this pea brained amoeba is to seek salvation ASAP. Some fates are worse than death, Miley and Justin rolled into one, but NOTHING is worse than that Godless skank and all around vile bitch Joy Behar. NOTHING.

Dumbass.

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Dumbass Email from "Interpol"; You’re in Big Trouble!

Faithfully

We have talked before how cool the internet is and all the spiffy things you can do on it – shopping, paying bills, watching pron, etc…As good as all that stuff is, there are an equal number of bad things about the 3 Dub (that stands for “www.”; a nickname us blogging sensations use when communicating with each other) Scams, phishing, ID theft, etc. For example…

My wife got this email last night. It sounds very ominous and basically implicates her in a very serious crime. I will print it n its entireity belo then dismantle it point by point.


The Very Serious Email

  • Good Day.

    This is the internet fraud unit of the Interpol police, we are mandated by the British High Commission and the FBI to combat internet fraud and our monitoring device picked up several signal transaction on your server and since then we have been monitoring all your internet transaction and we have just discovered that you have been into series of transaction and we have been on the trail ever since.

    From our investigation you have been into a transaction worth of millions of dollars which you have spent money on, and we discovered from our investigation that you have been dealing with the wrong people. A compensation of six hundred and fifty thousand united state dollars ($650,000.00) has been allocated to all Americans, Arabians,Europeans,canadians and Asian citizen who have been scammed and harassed on the internet. We are also been backed up by the UNITED NATIONS. We have been investigating emails been directed to selected individuals.
      

    We want to clear your doubts; you are to continue your transaction with Robert Nicholas of the compensation payment department immediately.Please you are to notify us when you receive this email.

    You are not to disclose this information to a third party as we are on the trail to get all perpetrators of cyber crime.

    Thank you for your understanding

    Faithfully

    Bryan Anderson

    Head Internet Fraud Unit. 

Sounds ominous, huh?
I would think that such letters are intended for older people who are not so internet savvy or maybe even a little off kilter upstairs.Sadly, there those who fall for this shit every day of the week. That’s almost understandable. But consider also the fact that perfectly functioning, mentally stable, smart, grown people get involved in scams like this all the time. These are the dumbasses to whom I am referring in this post.

Pay Attention!   

Let’s play a Dumbass Game right now. Let us say that you received this email and were so scared that you soiled your drawers thinking that you could be in some serious shit.Fear not! Fearless Leader s here to cast aside your worries and fears! Ya Dumbass. And I say that with love in my heart.

For your sanity, not to mention your bank account, let us dismantle this fraudulent communique step by step, shall we?

The Dismantling

This will be easy.

  • The greeting of the email, “Good Day”. I may be in the minority here but if you are involved in a serious crime, I highly doubt the first words of the letter would be ‘good day”. “Hey, you rotten thieving sonuvabitch” or “Mr. Smith” maybe, but there’s no way in hell that an email of this nature begins with a sunny phrase such as “good day”.
  • Interpol is indeed an international police force kind of thing. However, I don’t think that they are stoopid enough to inform a criminal suspect of their (Interpol’s) activities during a major fraud investigation. Don’t you Dumbasses ever watch James Bond movies? Geez.
  • The bullshit about the British High Command: the BHC has no jurisdiction whatsoever in the United States.If I’m not mistaken, neither does Interpol..I believe Interpol is an investigative type agency. It’s headquartered in Fwance, so take it for what it’s worth. That’s not to say that Interpol is worthless, but I am skeptical of it nonetheless.
  • Some of the grammatical; mistakes alone send up a red flag the size of an 18 wheeler right away. Notice “canadians” and “several signal transaction” and other stuff that leads me to believe that some guy in Nigeria is the author of this crap. The do a lot of internet scamming in Nigeria.
  • The Dumbass who wrote this also says that his group is backed by the United Nations! Oh, my God! Run for the hills! Not the UN! I say, fuck the UN! Sideays. With a rusty BBQ grill brush. The UN is as useful as tits on a boar hog.
  • Notify the writer upon receipt of the email. Yeah, I’ll get right on that. This deal stinks more and more by the word.
  • Don’t tell anybody, you are instructed. That all by its own self says, “I am gonna rip you off so bad and so fast, you won’t know what hit you, fucking idiot.”
  • “Thank you for your understandin”. If you understood you wouldn’t be Dumbass enough to fall for this fraud!
  • The closing is a real beauty. “Faithfully”? Really? The only thing this asshole is faithful to is rippuing off and ripping you off bad. 

There’s more, but I think you get the idea.

That’s my Public Service Announcement for this week, so please remember that the British High Command and Interpol have absolutely no jurisdiction in the United States.If the High Sheriffs (FBI, Treasury Dept.et al) think you are involved in some high tech, high-level, international fraud scheme, and have sufficient evidence, you won get an email about it, they will be knocking down your door like a Mack Truck hit it with several US Army tanks at their disposal. And they won’t be real nice when they slap the bracelets on you.

This post was almost serious. Do not make me go through this again.Got it?

Dumbass.

Psycics, Midgets and Boobies, Oh My!

Your Guaranteed Right to be a Dumbass Lives Here

This week’s outstanding Dumbass News stories are among the weirdest we have ever seen on these pages. frakkin’ hilarious stuff. This is going to make the race for “Dumbass of the Year, 2011” is a tough one to call at this point, but I do have some ideas for the finalists for the award. It’s a good thing I do because as I look at the calendar it’s the middle of October already so the end of the year is really not that far off. I am thinking about running a series of polls to where you can have some input into the “Dumbass of the Year” award process. I am leaning towards a tournament type series of polls where your votes will determine who moves on in the selection process. I just don’t really know yet. If you have any ideas I’d love to hear from you. This is your blog, I am just the dipshit who’s dumbass enough to actually put his name on it. Leave a comment with your ideas in the comment section or shoot me an email at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. Now onto The Dumbass News Week in Review! 

  • Dumbass Psychic – Not only does this dumb bitch expose herself as a charlatan, fraud, extortionist, she jumps way up the ladder in the “Dumbass of the Year” rankings. Sad and funny as hell at the same time.
  • What do Dwarf Tossing and the Constitution of the United States have in common? A lot more than you’d think. It takes a true genius of a dumbass like me to actually make sense of it all. read on and you’ll agree. I promise.
  • Door to Door Breast Exams – This story features one of the most ingenious dumbasses in the history of Dumbassery. You have got to read it to believe it. I didn’t make any of this stuff up. Pinky swear.

Remember to let me know if you have any ‘Dumbass of the Year” nominations or story ideas by emailing me at realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com. To refresh your memory on your favorite dumbass, browse the blog archives and submit it to the email address <—–back there. If you are a newer reader the archives are a great place to catch up on some of weird news that happens every day somewhere in Dumbass-ville. See y’all soon!

Adios,
Toby
Head Dumbass

Dumbass Fraud!

$145,000 ?

There is so much good Dumbass News today that I had a hard time deciding what to post. So when in doubt I always go with the story that features a dumbass Liberal from the West Coast. They’re always good for a laugh. And that’s exactly what I did. There are more dumbass Liberals on the West Coast than there are fat kids at a Chocolate Chip Cookie Festival. I’m just sayin’.

There is this dumbass broad named Loewen in Ferndale, Washington who is the focus of our story today. Loewen is a fucked up name to begin with, even for a dumbass, so let’s just call the idiot “Dumbass”. Check this shit out. from the UPI story we get this gem, “Investigators said 59-year-old Loewen B. Craft was wearing a gray wig and makeup to make her appear older when she arrived at the Industrial Credit Union bran ch in Ferndale, Wash., allegedly to open an account in her deceased mother’s name, The Bellingham (Wash.) Herald reported.” What the hell? But, wait! There’s more! “Craft’s mother, Betty Becker, died in 2007. Elfo said Craft collected more than $145,000 in benefits from her mother’s Chevron Oil pension fund. Craft allegedly obtained a false identity in her mother’s name before her mother died” $145,000?! I’d like to congratulate Loewen on setting the new standard for dumbassery. The bar has been lowered, so the rest of you dumbasses waiting to make The Big Time (this blog), you’ve got some serious dumbassery to beat here. Don’t despair, however, competition among dumbasses is good for dumbassery, it’s the American Dumbass Way where only the strong will survive.

Anyway, Loewen is safely locked up the county jail where she cannot procreate and have a bunch of little dumbasses running around like cockroaches when the kitchen light’s turn on late at night. Dumbass.

Dude Would Cash Checks, Except He’s Dead

For our Dumbass of the Day this morning, we travel once again to the Sunshine State, where the sunshine is evidently rich in vitamin D – D for dumbass. A dumbass lady who lives in the Florida panhandle town of Milton, has been charged with Grand Theft after she wrote a check for $1000 from her boyfriend’s bank account. Her DEAD boyfriend’s bank account. Talk about your penalty for early withdrawal!

The dumbass bimbo who perpetrated this outrageous crime is named Teresa. Teresa’s boyfriend died last February and being the dutiful “significant other” that she is, Teresa paid for the guy’s funeral, some outstanding bills, property taxes and to get her car repaired. From his bank account! Not that the boyfriend was complaining, being dead and all, but Teresa , faithful gal that she was, took care of all these expenses to the tune of $23,470 with forged checks. Teresa may be dutiful and faithful, but, boy is she a dumbass. It was the aforementioned $1000 check that got her busted. When confronted by the police, Teresa told them that she was “so scatterbrained” that she accidently put an extra zero on the amount the check was written for. The cops, as you can imagine, had some doubts as to the veracity of her claims. In other words, one cop said to the other, “This is one dumbass woman”. The other cop replied, “Yep” and they arrested Teresa for Grand Theft and being a dumbass without a license.

Maybe one of you Bible scholars out there can put me some knowledge. Ain’t there a Commandment or something in the Good Book about stealing from the dead? If there’s not, there ought to be. I think I’ll have to get on the phone with the Pope later today and lay down the smack about robbing the dearly departed and what in the name of all that is Holy can we do about this kind of thing. Can we “create” a Special Place in Hell where you have to listen to Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber for eternity? Barring that, this dumbass broad could be given a job in Washington, D.C. as a salesperson for ObamaCare. Now that’s a fate worse than death or The Joy Behar Show played on a continuous loop til the end of time. My advice to this pea brained amoeba is to seek salvation ASAP. Some fates are worse than death, Miley and Justin rolled into one, but NOTHING is worse than that Godless skank and all around vile bitch Joy Behar. NOTHING.