Category: French

Those Wacky Fwench Can Teach Dumbasses a Lesson

They Pledged Their Sacred Honor

For our newer readers I’d like to state right here, right now something that will reveal my bias regarding the story I am about to present to you. I am a very politically conservative individual. Now you know exactly where I stand on the following issue. And where I stand on the Fwench. I don’t like the Fwench. Put in layman’s terms, the Fwench are pussies. This isn’t a blanket statement about everyone of Fwench extract, just a generalization about the majority of the citizens of Fwance. I am basing this outlook on personal experience and opinions formed from news stories from the Fwench media as well as the information I have gathered from the American media. Appropriate mud hole stompin’ will follow. Be afraid. Be very afraid.That’s just how I roll.

The Fwench Show Their Pussifiedness Again

So what’s new about this headline? Nothing. That’s what. The Fwench are pussies, something I have known for many years. Now what on Earth have the Fwench done now to refuel my disdain for them? To be honest, nothing has actually happened, yet, but it is thisclose (intended spelling) to becoming reality.

I just got an email alert from a Fwench news organization that once again uncovers the pure, unadulterated contempt for their own citizens from the leaders of Fwance. The Fwench Gubmint has already imposed such neat, and by neat I mean fucked up, laws on their people (a mandated 35 work week and a shit load of vacation time for everybody in the late summer, just to name a couple) that surely one more won’t matter, will it?  Allow me to let you in on something the Fwench have no clue about. It’s called Freedom. Oh sure, those cultured up Frogs (being called “Frogs” really pours piss on their caviar) have no problem murdering the unborn and turning their heads as their so-called “leaders” live a life filled with moral depravity. These “leaders” also look at their constituents with nothing but derision for the very who elected them to the Fwench Parliament. (I’m gettin’ there, I’m gettin’ there). The Frog Parliament has chiseled away at the God-given rights of the Fwench people for many years, so much in fact, that I guessing that few Fwench citizens alive today can remember anything but being in an unfettered march to Socialism. They know nothing else! Dumbasses.

Ferme Le Bouche

That’s Fwench for “shut uppa you face!”. And I’ll be damned if that ain’t exactly what the Frog Gubmint is demanding (through legislation!) that all the peon Frogs (tadpoles?) do. The Fwench Senate passed a bill just a few hours ago that will make it a crime for any Fwench citizen to deny genocide. Let me un-ferme my bouche for you and splain. If a resident of Frogland denies the fact some horrific event like the Holocaust took place, it’s a long vacatio for them in the Bastille. To deny that the massacre of Armenians by Ottoman Turks took place in 1915 – 1916 could also land you in Le Slammer. I don’t know about you but this appears to me to be a little thing called “thought control”. But then again, I am a Dumbass. And a redneck to boot. What do I know about the Fwench? Maybe not much, but I do know that they are a nation of Socialist Pussies. But I digress.

So What?

If you have to ask that question, then you are a Dumbass. Or Fwench. What the hell do you mean, “so what?”?

OK, Frog breath, here’s your “so what” wrapped in a nice little turd sandwich so you can enjoy the taste of being Fwench. Can you not see that maybe, just maybe mind you, that our very own US Gubmint (thanks Liberals!) tried to do basically the same thing to American citizens? There was this little First Amendment issue with regard to the internet in a Congressional Bill called SOPA. I am not gonna enlighten you too much on SOPA/I am Having a Middle Age Moment & Can’t Remember the Other 4 Letters contained in the bill’s title, but trust me on this one. If you don’t trust me, fucking Google it. Do I have to do everything for you, Dumbass? 🙂

Bottom line on SOPA is that it would violate the 1st Amendment to the United States Constitution. Just ask the assholes that supported it until the American people realized what a pig in lipstick SOPA is. Once our Congressional dip shits saw that they were on the wrong side of the American people, they abandoned this bill like Dracula avoids high noon. Rats, meet sinking ship. This kind of bill is designed to do nothing less than censor what can and can’t be said on the internet and if that ain’t a violation of the 1st Amendment, then I am Brad Pitt. Arm Pitt, maybe. Brad? Not so much.

Number 1 for a Reason

There’s a reason that the provisions of the 1st Amendment are there and not, let’s say, the 6th Amendment. Freedom of speech, press, assembly etc. and freedom of religious choice without gubmint intervention or establishment, are exactly the main principles on which the United States were built upon. See: England, George, King. Another way to look at this crap is to think of the Ten Commandments. The 1st Commandment says “I am the Lord thy God.…”. I have a sneaky feeling that it’s Number 1 with a bullet because it’s the MOST SACRED and important of the Ten. I am fairly certain that the Almighty didn’t just throw ten good things together just to have ten good things together.

SOPA/WTFEver was yet another attempt by Liberals to define the Constitution as a “living breathing document”, which is another avenue to Socialism in the USA. The Founders of this country debated, debated again, then debated some more on the framework of the Constitution and they finally debated the document a little more before settling on the one we have today. They wrote what they meant and they meant what they wrote, no breathing allowed.

Around the Elbow to Get to the Arm

I may have taken the long way to get to this point, when I could have taken a shortcut, but I felt it necessary to do so. SOPA is precisely the type of bullshit explicitly forbidden by our Constitution.

If you are having a hard time trusting in what I have written, don’t believe me then. In fact, I urge you to seek further information. I’ll even give you a link where you can start your research. The Constitution of the United States. That’s a great place to start. FYI, there is also a link to the Declaration of Independence on the page. And the Bill of Rights, parts of which I so dazzlingly illuminated in the paragraphs above.

USA! USA! USA!

As the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, it is my duty to point out and destroy all things that are a danger to this country. To obliterate any and all ideas contrary to the vision of our Founding Fathers and the Sacred Documents that bind us all together as Americans.

And let me tell you, folks, becoming a Socialist, pussified country like Fwance ain’t the way that we (and our forebears), as Americans, should go. It’s a path to doom and tyranny. Read a little history on all the -“isms”. You’ll change your way of thinking right quick, friend.

For over 235 years, we have done just fine as the United States of America.

May God continue to bless the Greatest Country in the History of Mankind – the United States of America.

As for the Fwench? One word.

Connardes. Translation: Dumbasses

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Friday the 13th! Do You Believe?

Paraskevidekatriaphobia

It’s Friday! To be more precise, it’s Friday the 13th! I know many of you Dumbasses personally so it doesn’t surprise me that several of you suffer from “paraskevidekatriaphobia”. That’s a medical term that means “I am a Dumbass Who Believes in Illogical Stoopidstitions That Have No Foundation in Science or Reality, But I am a Dumbass So Science and Reality Mean Absolutely Nothing to Me”. I know a few of you that are afraid of work! And clowns. BTW, the fear of clowns is “coulrophobia”. Fear of the number “13” is known as “triskadekaphobia”. I ain’t really scared of much except heights (I hate heights! I’d be really neurotic if I was 6’6″), so Friday the 13th is just another day to me. But I digress.

Origins of Paraskevidekaphobia

While looking for ways to steal shit from another blog information for this story, I used my Super Dumbass Google Fu Powers and came across a site that had some pretty good stuff about Friday the 13th, so I’ll pilfer use some of his info to enlighten us all.

According to the aforementioned site, guy-sports.com (sports? This guy has a slight misconception about sports, unless torture and execution were the NFL of that era), the Knights Templar contributed heavily to the fear of Friday the 13th. He writes, “The Knights Templar were immensely powerful in the middle ages.  In fact they were probably had more military and financial might than many European countries, yet on a Friday 13th in October 1307 they met their downfall.  The Knights Templar Grand Master Jaques de Molay, together with 50 of his senior knights were tricked into a meeting and captured by King Philip IV of France.  On that Friday 13th thousands of Templars were arrested and tortured. When they confessed to various trumped up charges they were executed.  Since that day, Templars regarded Friday the 13th not only unlucky but evil.” Well, hell, that settles that. Side Note: The Knights Templar were tricked and captured by the Fwench? Oh, wait. I forgot that the Fwench actually had balls back then. Carry on.

Other Friday the 13th B.S.

Further plagiarism research reveals several cool facts about this most stoopidstitious of days. The Cape Cod Times has the lowdown, including these little gems that are copied and pasted:

  • Triskaidekaphobes are in for a rough year. Tris (greek for three), deka (greek for 10) and phobe (an individual affected by a certain fear) adds up, according to Urban Dictionary, to people who fear the number 13 or any situation that involves anything in a sequence of 13. Friday is often considered an unlucky day, inspiring advice such as “Never begin sewing a garment on a Friday unless you can finish it the same day.” This year, there are three Fridays falling on the 13th. Last year and in 2010, there was only one. But 2009 had three. Note: The other two months with a Friday the 13th this year are April and July. More on this note: The month of July was named for Julius Caesar who just happened to be murdered, like the Knights Templar. Except he wasn’t killed by a bunch of pussies from Fwance. That’s why Caesar got his own month and the Templars got jack shit. Anybody tricked and killed by the Fwench deserve nothing short of ridicule and derision. And I am a Knights Templar kind of guy. No more. Dammit.
  • Any month that starts on a Sunday will have a Friday the 13th. Do the math. Another note: Since the NFL is played on Sundays including months that begin on a Sunday, is there a connection between the Friday the 13th thing and why so few NFL players wear the number 13? Just askin’.

The Times has eleven more amazing facts about Friday the 13th that will scare the snot out of even the most ardent of skeptics.

I was a non-believer with regard to paraskevidekatriaphobia, but now I am not so sure. If a bunch of bad ass looters, plunderers and killing machines like the Knights Templar can be brought down by the Fwench, I think I am going to have to re-evaluate my position on this matter.

Excuse me while I consult my psychic. And my tarot cards. And grab my lucky rabbit’s foot. And…….

Dumbass. To the 13th Degree.

The "Dummies" of 2011 & the 1st Dumbasses of 2012

100% Dumbass News Approved***

We are already one full week into 2012 and things around Dumbass News keep getting better and better, thanks to you, the Dumbasses of the World in 121 Dumbass Nations. I like the sound of that, Dumbass Nations. Has sort of a “band of brothers” feel to it. I am honored to be your Fearless Dumbass Leader, the Duke of Dumbass the Head Dumbass in Charge, the…OK, that’s enough of that.  

Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment.

Anyway, 2012 is shaping up to be by far, the best year ever for this blog and I am excited as a Dumbass Hobo in a likker store with a pocket full of cheese. For those of you in San Francisco, “cheese” is not what you guys find in your dirty Fruit of the Looms, it means “money” ya frakkin’ idjits. Speaking of cash flow, mine has slowed down to an ebb and your generous Dumbass Donation can be made through PayPal by clicking on the “Donate” button in the right sidebar. Any such gifts would be greatly appreciated. Dumbasses. 🙂


The 1st Week of 2012 

We left 2011 behind in grand style as we paid homage to the best dumbasses last year had to offer. The explosion of dumbassery carried over into the New Year with the first few dumbasses of 2012. 

So, let’s hop into the Dumbass Wayback Machine and take a look at this past week of the best dumbass news stories found anywhere in the World Wide Web.

The 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Awards  

For a complete look at the various “You Big Dummy” Award nominees and the winners in the different categories click this link. (After reading the story, scroll down below the post and look for “Newer Posts”, click there on every page and that will lead you to next Award Presentation. Just keep going until you get to the “You Big Dummy” winner) 

The Oscars, Grammys and all those fake awards have nothing on the “Dummies”. Hey, we take this shit seriously, unlike those pussies at the other award shows. Our Dumbass of the Year candidates are selected and awarded based on the merits of their dumbassery. No politics involved. Unless it tweaks the Fwench and the homos and non-homos of San Francisco. I hate the Fwench and the jizz dumpsters in San Fran.

  • Starting 2012 with a Threefer Dumbass Bonus! The three “Curious” Old Bastards in this story scream for the manly affections of the Twinkletoes Crowd in S.F. Truly sickening and truly dumbass. Ya gotta love it.
  • The Pistola in Starbucks – Dumbass chick takes loaded gun to coffee shop. Gun discharges. Criminal procedures ensue.
  • I’ll Take “I Got Fined $200 Large for Keeping Chickens in My Yard Because the City is Run By Bigots”, Alex – This one is a riot. The Dumbass in this tale of woe claims he is being singled out by City Officials because he is of Moroccan-Syrian extract. Did I mention that he is a Jew? To my knowledge, the fine dictators of Morocco and Syria would find great pleasure in BBQing this fucking idiot and using him for camel food simply because he is a Jew, and he claims prejudice in the F-L-A? I am almost 100% certain that the asshole is the only person of Arab heritage in Florida, so it must be bigotry. <—–That’s sarcasm, by the way. Read it and weep.

Now you can understand why I am so stoked about 2012. I am confident that the crop of Dumbasses in ’12 will be the Best Bunch Ever! Especially if they are butthurt Arabs, Fwench or homos in San Francissy. This year is gonna be great!

Dumbasses.

***See Copyright in Image***

Best Performance by a Stoned Dumbass; The Dummy Goes To…

Makes You Hungry Just Lookin’ at It

What would such a splendor of an Award Ceremony such as The Dummies be without a category that features dumbasses and pot? Nothing, I say! Fraudulent! fake! Cheap! Well, OK, I’ll give you “cheap”, maybe even “fraudulent” on the right day, but still nothing!

Several posts about dumbasses and the herb superb have made it past the High Sheriffs at Blogger.com in the past year and have gone on to be some of the most-read entries of All Time. Therefore, I find it only fitting that we include a “dumbass and pot” selection to this year’s Dummies. 

Aaaaaaand the nominees for Best Performance By a Stoned Dumbass are…

A Guy Named Gus, His Ducks and Pot The popularity of this post took me by surprise. But then again, it’s about a French guy whose name ain’t really Gus, but some pussy French name like Claude or Michele, who raises ducks and feeds them le weed as the French say. Without giving away the whole story, the pussified Fwench (not a typo) policie (another pussy fwench word) respond to a shit load of pot Gus has been feeding his ducks by saying, “We have nev-ere seen sooch a ting before”. Les dipshits.

Homeless Dumbass, His Condo Truck and a Stoned Car Thief How is it that homeless guys, God bless ’em, are always in the middle of some stoopid shit? Even the nice, “upper crust” homeless guys like the victim in this story. Oh, yeah, the bad guy in this episode is in possession of (you guessed it!) marijuana!

How to Lose $425 Large Worth of Pot in One Easy Lesson – This one of the stoopidest things I have ever heard of. And that’s saying a lot. Long story short; dumbasses with 425 large worth of pot get carjacked. call cops. Dumbassery and possible homicide ensue.

The stoned morons in this category are such dumb fucks that they warrant an extra nomination for a Dummy in this category. 

Truck Full of Pot Wrecks; Weed Stolen by Passersby! Yup. It happened. In California. Go figger.

Wrangling up a “winner” from this group was a very touch chore. But, I did it. And the “winner” of The Dummy is……

Gus and his stoned ducks! If it tweaks the Fwench, I am all for it.

Dumbass pussies.