Category: Fried Chicken

Kentucky Fried Felonies!

Today’s venture into Dumbass Land is one for the books. This story is up there with the best of them, including the drunk lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy and the nekkid mail guy from yesterday. Unlike those two dumbasses who acted alone in their dumbassery, today’s Dumbass News feature involves a whole family! After all, it is the holiday season when families should be spending time together and doing all sorts of family activities, right?

A dumbass family in Akron, Ohio, like millions of families around the country were getting together to celebrate the birth of our Lord. That’s when the Ghost of Dumbass Present came a knockin’. Two brothers and their mother were enjoying a little fried yardbird when all Hell broke loose. Brother #1 accused Brother #2 of taking a bite from a piece of chicken and throwing it back on the plate. This is unacceptable behavior, except in Kentucky where this is called “sharing”. Well, Brother #2 took offense at the suggestion that he would do something so rude and unsanitary, after all Akron is a few hundred miles north of Kentucky. At this point, like a true gentleman, Brother #1 invited Brother #2 outside for a good old country ass kickin’ a friendly discussion of what had transpired. Brother #2 agreed and outside they went. Once outside, a lively discourse took place then Brother #2 excused himself from the debate in order to retrieve a crowbar. He then proceeded to pound Brother #1 about the head, shoulders and the upper extermities of his body. In other words, Dumbass #2 cracked open Dumbass #1’s skull with the crow bar. Dumbass #1 then bled a lot, Brother #2 split before the law could get there and Mom admitted to being the unrefined wench who took a bite of the piece of chicken and putting it back on the plate! A dumbass family trifecta! Maybe Akron is closer to Kentucky than I thought. But I digress.

Brother #1 was taken to the hospital and after bleeding a lot then getting patched up, was free to go home with Mom and review the events of the day. It was determined that Brother #2 was not only a dumbass, but a felon as well, Brother #1 is a pussy who let his little brother crack open his skull like a baker cracks open an egg and Mom is a dumbass for putting a used chicken leg back on the plate and keeping her mouth shut while felonies were being committed in her front yard.

Thus ends our tale of a happy family in Akron, Kentucky Ohio. Dumbasses.

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Dumbass Gets Loaded, Pisses on Chicken in Kroger Store

Free Range, Piss Free Yard Bird

Grocery shoppers in Little Rock BEWARE! There’s a guy who could be in your local Kroger store pissing all over the Pilgrim’s Pride or Tyson chicken! What this dumbass has in mind by pissing on the chicken, I don’t know. But, I am relieved to know that he bypassed the T-bone steaks. If the dude had peed on the T-bones, I would become a vegetarian on the spot. Pissing on the yard bird, not so much. Anyway…

This dumbass went to a Kroger store (Kroger is a large grocery store company – ed.) in Little Rock as decided that he would “marinate” the yard birds with his tinkle. I know you’ll find this difficult to believe, but the dumbass was drunk! The Little Rock police got a call from Kroger’s saying that a man was being “verbally aggressive” with some of the employees. But, before the Law could get there the dumbass peed on over $500 worth of chicken. He also ate a large package of ham. I happen to know that the good people of Little Rock love their hogs, ooooooooooohhhhhhh pig soooooooo-eeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy! A little football lingo there.

So…the dumbass pisses on over $500 worth of chicken, eats a large package of ham and gets verbally aggressive with store employees. Enter the LRPD who quickly subdue the drunk dumbass and prepare to haul his ass to jail. Upon confronting the dumbass suspect, the police made this brilliant observation, “he was reported by officers to have been unsteady on his feet, smelled of alcohol and had bloodshot eyes when they arrived on the scene.” What was their first clue? The cops left out the fact that the dumbass smelled of pig. Our dumbass was “charged with public intoxication, theft of property, and criminal mischief.” Criminal mischief? Does that mean he pissed all over the chicken? I really got nothin’ today, but I do hope that pissing on the yard bird isn’t one of the “special seasonings” in KFC. If it is, the dumbass and I gotta have a loooooooooonnnngggg talk. Not only is he pissing on my chicken, he’s breathing my air. Dumbass.

A Fried Chicken Felony

Today’s venture into Dumbass Land is one for the books. This story is up there with the best of them, including the drunk lady who attacked a cop with a sex toy and the nekkid mail guy from yesterday. Unlike those two dumbasses who acted alone in their dumbassery, today’s Dumbass News feature involves a whole family! After all, it is the holiday season when families should be spending time together and doing all sorts of family activities, right?

Suspect in Skull Cracking

A dumbass family in Akron, Ohio, like millions of families around the country were getting together to celebrate the birth of our Lord. That’s when the Ghost of Dumbass Present came a knockin’. Two brothers and their mother were enjoying a little fried yardbird when all Hell broke loose. Brother #1 accused Brother #2 of taking a bite from a piece of chicken and throwing it back on the plate. This is unacceptable behavior, except in Kentucky where this is called “sharing”. Well, Brother #2 took offense at the suggestion that he would do something so rude and unsanitary, after all Akron is a few hundred miles north of Kentucky. At this point, like a true gentleman, Brother #1 invited Brother #2 outside for a good old country ass kickin’ a friendly discussion of what had transpired. Brother #2 agreed and outside they went. Once outside, a lively discourse took place then Brother #2 excused himself from the debate in order to retrieve a crowbar. He then proceeded to pound Brother #1 about the head, shoulders and the upper extermities of his body. In other words, Dumbass #2 cracked open Dumbass #1’s skull with the crow bar. Dumbass #1 then bled a lot, Brother #2 split before the law could get there and Mom admitted to being the unrefined wench who took a bite of the piece of chicken and putting it back on the plate! A dumbass family trifecta! Maybe Akron is closer to Kentucky than I thought. But I digress.

Brother #1 was taken to the hospital and after bleeding a lot then getting patched up, was free to go home with Mom and review the events of the day. It was determined that Brother #2 was not only a dumbass, but a felon as well, Brother #1 is a pussy who let his little brother crack open his skull like a baker cracks open an egg and Mom is a dumbass for putting a used chicken leg back on the plate and keeping her mouth shut while felonies were being committed in her front yard.

Thus ends our tale of a happy family in Akron, Kentucky Ohio. Dumbasses.