Category: Fubar

Squished or Not? Guy Falls Asleep in Back of Garbage Truck!

Best of Dumbass News

I have been telling you about the Dumbass Things that Dumbasses do for almost two years now. And no matter how weird the story, there eventually will be another Dumbass pulling the same Dumbass Stunt.

Today’s story is an encore presentation. Not of the Best of Dumbass News variety, but of the “some Dumbass was bound to do it again” type. Here’s the original Dumbass News story that relates to today’s tale.

This activity involves Drunk Homeless Guys and I’m afraid it’s giving a bad name to drunk homeless guys all over the country. As a former Drunk Homeless Guy, I am truly concerned about the sullying of the image of my Drunk Homeless Brethren.

I can not and will not stand for it!

A Fad?

“Hold on, Harold! I think there’s a drunk homeless guy in there!”

The activity I’m talking about is homeless guys from Portland, Oregon that get drunk and do something stoopid, like, oh, I don’t know, maybe crawl into the back of a Waste Management trash truck and pass out, thus risking being squeezed to death like a rotten tomato. This is not typical behavior for the seasoned Drunk Homeless Guy, so I can only assume it is rookie Drunk Homeless Guys ruining the fun of being a Drunk Homeless Guy for all Normal Drunk Homeless Guys.

Normal Drunk Homeless Guys may crash on a park bench or on the steps of the Public Library, maybe even under a nice comfy bridge, but NEVER in the bidness end of a garbage truck!

You can see where my problem lies.

I hope like hell that this is not a fad or some Red Chinese Communist Plot to ruin the good name and untarnished image of Drunk Homeless Guys all over America. Better dead and homeless than Red and homeless! That’s my motto!

Dumbass at Hand

The Dumbass in our story today got all shit faced and decided that driving home was not an option. Good choice. He could have killed dozens of Drunk Homeless Guys and Liberals had he driven an automobile while fubar’ed. This is unacceptable! Drunk Homeless Guys are people, too! Fuck the Liberals.

Wait! Did I imply that this guy had a car? Lemme re-check. Yes! I did! Knowing that little tidbit of information that may have been overlooked by an ordinary Dumbass without my Drunk Homeless Guy Street Cred, I can now conclude that this is indeed a Red Communist Chinese Plot to ruin the red blooded American Drunk Homeless Guy!

As I delve deeper into the available facts of this case, this Red Commie Drunk Homeless Guy was not homeless at all AND, get a load of this, he twice avoided being crushed when the garbage truck compacted its load! Only a well-trained foreign Red Chinese Communist Drunk Fake Homeless Guy Secret Agent could pull of this caper!

OK, I concede, this incident could have been a mere accident, with no involvement from the Official Red Chinese Communist Ministry of Drunk Fake Homeless Guys.

He could just be a….

Dumbass.

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Drunk Dumbass Passes Out in Garbage Truck – Near St. Pancake Status Ensues – Twice!

I have been telling you about the Dumbass Things that Dumbasses do for almost two years now. And no matter how weird the story, there eventually will be another Dumbass pulling the same Dumbass Stunt.

Today’s story is an encore presentation. Not of the Best of Dumbass News variety, but of the “some Dumbass was bound to do it again” type. Here’s the original Dumbass News story that relates to today’s tale.

This activity involves Drunk Homeless Guys and I’m afraid it’s giving a bad name to drunk homeless guys all over the country. As a former Drunk Homeless Guy, I am truly concerned about the sullying of the image of my Drunk Homeless Brethren.

I can not and will not stand for it!

A Fad?

“Hold on, Harold! I think there’s a drunk homeless guy in there!”

The activity I’m talking about is homeless guys from Portland, Oregon that get drunk and do something stoopid, like, oh, I don’t know, maybe crawl into the back of a Waste Management trash truck and pass out, thus risking being squeezed to death like a rotten tomato. This is not typical behavior for the seasoned Drunk Homeless Guy, so I can only assume it is rookie Drunk Homeless Guys ruining the fun of being a Drunk Homeless Guy for all Normal Drunk Homeless Guys.

Normal Drunk Homeless Guys may crash on a park bench or on the steps of the Public Library, maybe even under a nice comfy bridge, but NEVER in the bidness end of a garbage truck!

You can see where my problem lies.

I hope like hell that this is not a fad or some Red Chinese Communist Plot to ruin the good name and untarnished image of Drunk Homeless Guys all over America. Better dead and homeless than Red and homeless! That’s my motto!

Dumbass at Hand

The Dumbass in our story today got all shit faced and decided that driving home was not an option. Good choice. He could have killed dozens of Drunk Homeless Guys and Liberals had he driven an automobile while fubar’ed. This is unacceptable! Drunk Homeless Guys are people, too! Fuck the Liberals.

Wait! Did I imply that this guy had a car? Lemme re-check. Yes! I did! Knowing that little tidbit of information that may have been overlooked by an ordinary Dumbass without my Drunk Homeless Guy Street Cred, I can now conclude that this is indeed a Red Communist Chinese Plot to ruin the red blooded American Drunk Homeless Guy!

As I delve deeper into the available facts of this case, this Red Commie Drunk Homeless Guy was not homeless at all AND, get a load of this, he twice avoided being crushed when the garbage truck compacted its load! Only a well-trained foreign Red Chinese Communist Drunk Fake Homeless Guy Secret Agent could pull of this caper!

OK, I concede, this incident could have been a mere accident, with no involvement from the Official Red Chinese Communist Ministry of Drunk Fake Homeless Guys.

He could just be a….

Dumbass.

Drunk Lady’s Imaginary Friend was Driving

Over the Limit

As a Former Professional Drinker, I can tell you with all certainty and honesty that I have been fried, tie died and laid to the side on more than one occasion. Having said that, I can also tell you with a great deal confidence that I have never hallucinated or “had visions” after consuming massive quantities of Barley Pop and/or Tequila. Again to be forthright, I have paid much homage to the God of Porcelain and fallen asleep in strange places, but all that stuff was as real as waking up in all those strange places.

You see, I was a Professional Drinker, not some rank amateur gettin’ loaded on Boone’s Farm. Any Dumbass can of age can walk into a likker store and get some cheap shit to get blasted on, but I had friends that marveled my prowess as a consumer of fine adult beverages. I had standards dammit!

Chuck Was Driving

Somebody was driving in a Maryland neighborhood recently when the car was driven into the iron gate at an apartment complex. The local fuzz arrived at the scene and discovered a young lady standing alone outside the vehicle. They asked the woman if she had been driving the car. She said, “No. Chuck was driving.”

Problemo number uno: “Chuck” was nowhere to be found. And with good reason. There was no “Chuck”! The cops soon ascertained that “Chuck” was the lady’s imaginary friend.

Problemo numero two-o: The lady was fubar.

Blasted and Busted

It goes without saying that the ignunt bitch was arrested for DUI, DWAI, FUBAR and a bunch of other alphabetic crimes including S-T-U-P-I-D. She could have killed somebody for Pete’s sake!

Another thing, why in the name of Jim Beam would anybody, drunk or not, blame an imaginary friend for their crimes? I don’t get it. It’s not as if someone like, say, the Police could figger the out the deal.

And if you are gonna try to fake out the law with the old “My friend was driving” trick, pick a name that would be at least semi-believeable – a name like “Bulldog” or “Killer”. People named “Chuck” don’t drink and drive. “Charlie”, maybe. “Chuck”, never. I would have been laughed out of Texas if I got busted for DWI (and I didn’t) and blamed it some dude named “Chuck”.

“Chuck”. Indeed.

Penalties

There are very strict penalties against driving while drunk, as there should be, but sometimes they just don’t go far enough.

Any time somebody is caught while DUI and says “Chuck” did it, the penalty should be extra harsh and severe. For instance, these dumbasses should not be allowed to procreate. SNIP SNIP. On the spot. No questions asked. Bringing more stoopid drunks into the world is a crime against humanity. Only intelligent drunks should be permitted to make babies. I’m just sayin’.

This kind of punishment may seem unfair, even draconian, to many of you, but I assure you that society would be much better off without a bunch of panty waists driving around while blitzed. Leave it to the professionals.

Dumbass.