I have written many stories about dead people for Dumbass News. For a plethora (<==gratuitous El Guapo link) of reasons, I have deemed that each of these stories contained the requisite amount of dumbassery needed to make it into “print”.
Some Examples of Dead Guy Stories
Strangely enough, and befitting this blog, two of the most popular Dead Guy Stories involve sex. I’m tellin’ ya that there’s a lot of dyin’ goin’ on when people are bumpin’ uglies.
In one story, the woman said, “Ooooo Big Daddy make my day!” That’s when the gun went off. See for yourself.
Another Biggie is the one about the guy that was cheating on his wife and died during a threesome!
One of the most popular stories in the History of This Blog is about the Frozen Dead Guy of Nederland, Colorado. I used to live in Nederland, so I can personally vouch for the authenticity of the Frozen Dead Guy.
A Different Kind of Dead Guy Story
|Deposit $36,000 Please|
While the aforementioned tales of the crypt are certainly Dumbass News-worthy, the lack something that today’s Dead Guy Story has – revenge from the grave!
Here’s the thumbnail version: Guy kills another guy. Family of Dead Guy sues killer for the cost of the victim’s funeral. Judge grants Family of Dead Guy’s request. Nothing unusual – yet.
The Catch: Dead Guy was a member of Hmong (pronounced “mung”) religious sect. The thing is that Hmongs have large funerals. Very large funerals. In this case the Big Adios lasted more than three days and included food and drink for all 500 guests. The tab? Thirty-six large. $36,000. Thirty-six grand.
Upon getting the ruling, the Killer’s lawyer went ape shit, saying that the average funeral costs only about $8000. The Judge in the case told the defense attorney “tough toenails, asswipe”,your client owes these people 36 Great Big Ones. Hizzoner also stated that it didn’t appear to him that the Dead Guy’s Family was running up the tab, they were just following Hmong tradition.
That’s some tradition they’ve got goin’ on there. Hell, when the time comes for me to buy the farm, my survivors could invite everyone I know and 500 people wouldn’t show up. Those who do show up, however, can throw back more likker than 500 Hmongs. Easy. Don’t even get me started on how much food they could inhale.
And there ain’t a Hmong amongst ’em.
|A Beautiful Soul|
Dumbass of the Day honors are normally reserved for individuals, with the notable exception of Liberals. Liberal could win the Dumbass of the Day Award purt near every day, but that wouldn’t be much fun. I am today, however, making an exception to the rule and naming a Group of people as the Dumbasses of the Day. You are familiar with these sub-humans. They are the members of the Westboro Baptist Church. The Head Dumbass of the WBC is the Reverend Fred Phelps. These cretins protest anything and everything that doesn’t fit perfectly with their view of things. They are probably most notorious for protesting at Fallen Soldiers’ funerals. Yeah, those assholes.
Well, the bottom feeders at WBC now have a new cause celebre. They are gonna all load up in the Satan Mobile and head out to Californy to protest at the funeral of Elizabeth Taylor! Why? Because Liz was a firend to the Gay Community and a prolific fundraiser for a cure for AIDS! Well, shit, let’s condemn Liz to Hell for such an outrage! Imagine that! trying to help someone who has a disease that eats away at their body like a termite chews on wood, relegating them to a slow, miserable, painful demise! The moral outrage! Good God. I don’t care what two consenting adult do behind closed doors as long as it consensual and doesn’t involve children. I am, however, against special rights for any given group. I don’t give a shit who they are. Here’s a quote from the article at popeater.com, “Her whoredoms enabled filthy f**s! She now answers for her gr8 sin in hell!” she tweeted to Perez Hilton. To ABC’s Jake Tapper, she wrote, “No peace for whore who taught proud sin! Too late for her to repent!” That beauty comes straight from Reverend Phelps’ daughter, Marge. Tolerant bunch aren’t they?
While it is within their Constitutional Rights to have these protests, this group at Westboro Baptist Church needs a good smackdown. I am not suggesting violence, I am suggesting Eternal Damnation. But, that’s God’s call, not mine, and I’ll leave it up to Him. However, a good old fashion Hell’s Angels counter protest would be nice. 🙂 I’m just sayin’. I am instructed by God to not judge a man’s soul, but instead to judge his actions. I can safely say then, that the Reverend Asswipe and his followers have no souls and are headed straight for the gnashing of teeth place. Dumbasses.
UPDATE: (5:32pm, EDT) A friend of mine in Texas noted that maybe I shouldn’t refer to members of this dumbass “church” Baptists. I agree 1000%. I should have thought about that earlier. For that, I apologize. These people are a CULT . From now on, if I do another story on them, that’s how they will be referred to. Better yet, my friend in Texas said that maybe I should just ignore them. That may be the best thing to do.