|Hold the Little Balls|
Best of Dumbass News
Tragedy and comedy.
Today’s story has plenty of both.
Here’s the deal.
A guy over in London has testicular cancer. The best way to treat this malady is with surgery. So The Guy goes in to have his cancerous gazebo removed. The procedure goes well.
Except for one minor detail.
The surgeon removed the wrong gazebo!
There are probably a million gazebo (testicle) jokes I could insert here, but I ain’t goin’ down that road. I am a Guy and over the last 56 years I have grown quite fond of my gazebos, both of them, and wish them no ill will. We are a package deal. See what I did there?
A middle-aged businessman is suing a hospital trust after a surgeon removed the wrong testicle by mistake.
The man has been told that he can no longer father a child as the testicle that should have been removed is believed to be cancerous.
The 48-year-old man who lives with his new partner in Wiltshire had the operation at the Salisbury District Hospital last year.
He claims that, 40 minutes into the operation, the surgeon realised his mistake and had the healthy testicle placed “on ice” while a plastic surgeon was summoned. Although the testicle was successfully reattached…etc, etc, etc.
A Couple of Things
Besides the obvious “woopsy daisy we cut off the wrong gazebo” stuff, there are a couple of things in this story that stand out to me.
A doctor in Sandwhich. Massachusetts had a plan for all you guys on the go. This special gives new meaning to the term “March Madness”. For you men about town, Dr. Evan Cohen is offering with each vasectomy in March, a FREE pizza! Yes, men, while some guy is fooling around with your nut sack, you can enjoy a nice, hot pepperoni pizza! Pepperoni. Ironic, ain’t it? The pizza of course contains no sausage balls. I’m just sayin’.
Dr. Cohen says that this is the busiest time of year in his clinic for men who seek vasectomies, so he thought a little enticement might boost business. Why he chose pizza I don’t know. It seems to me that hookers would be more appropriate. I mean shouldn’t a guy make test run with his newly snipped huevos rancheros.
Personally, I think this is a great idea. Not necessarily pizza as the premium, though. I think the good Doctor should give away a Cadillac or something with every 20th nut cuttin’. Now that would bring in the business. Think about it. Here are these guys who are giving up ever being a father again and all Dr. Cohen offers is a pizza? C’mon, Doc. Up the ante a little. However. it’s quite possible that we don’t want the vasectomees to reproduce again. They are in Massachusetts after all. But, I digress.
From a marketing standpoint, this is pure genius though. Professionals from all walks of life should give this promotion a try. Lawyers could give away a free divorce or write your will for free. Baby doctors give pass out free diapers, etc.
This whole idea does bring up a question though. What would a proctologist use as an incentive for a colonoscopy?
Nevermind. I don’t wanna know.
The internet is a powerful machine. Facebook is a powerful cog in this powerful machine.
Generally speaking, Facebook is a great way to, like I do, stay in touch with friends and family or to reconnect with people you haven’t seen or heard from in many moons (a little Injun Lingo there). The social network is also a great source of comedic, if felonious, material. I should know. I have an FB account and it gets weird enough there, but the stories I come across when doing research for stuff to write about on this blog are, to say the least, fucking outrageous.
Social Media Stoopididity
Some examples of Facebook Dumbassery that we’ve covered on Dumbass News include the story of a guy who stole some Christmas stuff then posted the details of his theft on his Facebook page! Another time a Florida couple got into a disagreement over a Facebook comment that landed them both in the slammer! Then in a touching Moment of Muslim Social Media Madness, a raghead somewhere named his newborn daughter “Facebook”! Allah will not be pleased.
But wait! There’s more!
Facebook Comment Incites 30 Woman Riot!
A good cat fight between two Dumbasses of the female persuasion is a man’s dream, even if it’s over something posted on FB.
This brawl then must be a man’s wet dream. Not only does it involve females at war over some stoopid shit placed on a Facebook page, it evolves into a full out free for all with over thirty bitches erupting into a full scale armed conflict, the likes of which have not been seen since the Beatles appeared at Shea Stadium in NYC in the mid 60s.
From the HuffPuffSnuffIsEnuffPost
“More than 30 women gathered for a large street fight in Sacramento on Sunday afternoon, reportedly over a Facebook post.
This was a very busy week at Dumbass News. We had an outstanding crop of Dumbasses to harvest for you, but unfortunately many of you missed the pickin’s.
So for the Dumbasses that were for some reason unable to enjoy the fruits of our labors, and for the newest Dumbasses who just now smelling the manure of our Garden of Dumbassery, we give you, in spite of Public Outrage and Threats of Litigation, the Dumbass Week in Review!
You can look on the internet for years and not find a collection of Dumbassery like this. I care enough about you to do it for you. So, sally forth my Dumbass Minions into the Realm of What the Hell Am I Doing This For?
You deserve it.
It’s a dangerous world out there, Dumbasses.
You can walk out your front door right now and there’s a possibility that you could be mugged, stabbed, shot, hit by a drunk driver, have your gazebos squeezed into oblivion by a mad woman – you know, the usual stuff that tends to happen to Dumbasses.
Dumbass Code Word © Definition
Before I get into the meat (that’s a funny) of today’s story, I feel obligated to define a term of Dumbassery that I use regularly in my posts. That term is “gazebos”. When I, your Fearless Leader and Exemplar of All That is Good & Holy About Being a Dumbass, write this word, it does not refer to a round shade-producing edifice where one consumes mimosas and has brunch. First, most Dumbasses don’t even know what mimosas or brunch are. The Dumbass version of a typical gazebo, mimosas and brunch are warm beer, 8:30AM and the tailgate of an old pickup truck rusting away in his front yard.
Back to “gazebos”. I got a comment in a post a few weeks ago that appeared (by the manner in which it was worded) to come from across The Pond. The commenter said he (I assume it was a guy) was unfamiliar with my use of the word “gazebos” and needed some clarification on the matter. For those of you who are new to the Dumbass Horde, “gazebos” is a Dumbass Code Word © for testicles. Nuts. Balls. Gonads. Family Jewels. Huevos. Or in the case of the Fwench, BBs. You get the picture.
It Came for His Gazebos
As is with the story in the link in the opening paragraph, today’s selection is about gazebo squeezing. In the previously linked story, a Chinese lady went Bruce Lee on some poor guy and put his gazebos into such a grip that he later died from his injuries. Today’s victim of gazebo grabbing wasn’t lucky enough to die after he was neutered by a pissed off female. And judging by the mugshot, the term “female” is used very loosely. The chick in that photo looks more like Dennis Rodman, who, rumor has it, is into having his gazebos squeezed. But, I digress. The thing in the photo is Joyce Maxine Gregory of Shelby, North Carolina.
Joyce is 35 years old and was chillin’ with a 59 year old guy at his crib when, for whatever reason,
it she went ape shit on him. The Guy went outside to call 911 to report the disturbance whem Joyce caught up with him and grabbed him by his gazebos. The Dennis Rodman Look-a-like Gazebo Death Grip promptly ensued. This was no ordinary Dennis Rodman Look-a-like Gazebo Death Grip, however. Joyce had such a hold on this man’s huevos (see definition above) that she literally squeezed one of them out of his scrotum! This, by the way, can not be a pleasant experience.
Hangin’ By a Thread
Quoting a Police document here, “Officer M. L. McPherson stated in his report that the victim’s “scrotum had been split open,” adding that, “I was also able to observe one of the subject’s testicles protruding from the scrotum area.”
Police also observed “blood on the floor of the porch and the siding of the residence.”
Luckily, The Guy won’t suffer any permanent damage to his gazebos or nut sack, but I am willing to place good money on the fact that the mental scars from this gazebo grabbing will not heal for quite some time.
Or until The Guy gets drunk enough to hang out with another female that looks like Dennis Rodman.
The Guy has serious “issues”.
Wee Wee, Madamoiselle
Once the cops arrested
King Kong Joyce Gregory and got her into a zoo cage squad car, she further proved her femininity by dropping trou and pissing all over the back seat.
Joyce has been charged with a bunch of Serious Shit like assault inflicting serious bodily injury and malicious castration. I think that means
it she squeezed a gazebo out of The Guy’s bag without permission. Or something.
Class act that Joyce.
|I’ll Find You, Drive Thru Guy!|
Dumbass News News: Yesterday’s guest post from Drive Thru Guy from lifeinthedrivethru was a smash hit with the Dumbass Horde! After such an explosive Dumbass Debut, I think DTG now has his sights set on becoming your next Fearless Leader! He’s drunk on power! Drunk, I tell you! It was such a big deal that I shall now have to have Drive Thru Guy tracked down like a wild animal (he IS Canadian, so I repeat myself) and summarily de-gazebo’ed on sight! I have placed a bounty of nearly $1.98 American on those gazebos and I will not sleep until they have been dispatched! Upon said de-gazebo-ing, I shall have his newly-removed huevos (a little Meskin lingo there) wrapped in frozen polar bear shit and sent to the Penis Museum in Iceland! I. Ain’t. Kiddin’. There really is a Dicks on Display Place in Iceland – just hit the link back <—-there. I will not divulge DTG’s exact location, except to the De-Gazebo-ing Mercenaries, but I will say that he lives in an Eastern Canuckistani Province close enough to Iceland that it will exponentially simplify the gazebo-shipping process.
If you pass through Drive Thru Guys window, DO NOT attempt to de-gazebo him yourself. This is a job for well-trained de-gazebo-ers. I would feel responsible for any injuries you might incur while trying to knife DTG’s nutsack. He is armed with a Top Secret Drive Thru Headset© that has more concealed weapons than Saddam Hussein, and is considered to be dangerous! Moreover, if you push Drive Thru Guy too far, he will spit in your food! He is a vicious, evil, maniacal fiend bent on overthrowing your Peace Loving Benevolent Fearless Leader and hocking a loogie (or as he calls it, “Secret Sauce”) onto your fries!
It is true that DTG’s guest post was a well received by the Dumbass Horde and I was glad to have DTG share his wisdom with the not only the Dumbass Horde, but with the rest of humanity. His insight into the horrors of dealing with hungry Dumbasses at the Drive Thru should be a reminder to us all that….that….uh…er….I don’t the fuck know! But it should remind us of something!
Super size THAT!
|Nothing Says “Mom’s a Slut” Like a High Heel Wine Holder for Mothers Day|
I am a guy. I am a lousy gift buyer. This is especially true when it comes to picking out a gift for a woman, say, like Mom.
When you are a kid getting Mom a Mothers Day present is easy. Any gift will do. Perfume? Sure. House shoes. You bet. Embalmed gila monster incense burner? Not a problem. But as you get older, you are expected to be a bit more practical about such things. I don’t understand why that is though. I am still a guy who has no frakkin’ clue what to get Mom for her special day. Besides, an embalmed gila monster incense burner still sounds like a pretty good deal to me.
It is at this point that I remind myself that I am a Dumbass.
These days it’s much easier to do the actual shopping for a Mothers Day gift, thanks in large part to the internet. If you have an internet connection and a debit card you can buy practically anything from anywhere in the world. A few mouse clicks and the next thing you know Mom has been booked for an all expense paid trip to Puerta NoOneKnows or she’s the proud owner of that authentic fake Shroud of Turin Replica, autographed by Jesus. Yes, Jesus himself (pronounced Hay-soos), a Colombian burro rancher and part-time cocaine distributor for the Cali drug cartel, will personally sign and authenticate each Shroud sold. I must point out that although the Shroud may be a reproduction, the burro hair it is made from is quite real. It’s a real steal at 4 bazillion pesos. That’s about 38 cents American. A free line of blow is included with bulk orders of 25 or more.
Any Mom would be glad to own one and proud to wear it to her next Little Old Ladies’ Every Other Wednesday Canasta Tournament and Tequila Drinking Extravaganza.
Or maybe not.
Making the RIGHT Choice
This is where things get hairy when guys buy stuff for women, whether it’s for Mothers Day, an anniversary or because he was out waaaayyy too late with the boys last night. No matter the circumstance, we men make lousy gift choices.
As a Public Service to My Fellow Male Dumbasses Who Are Pitiful Gift Buyers for Females, I have heeded the advice of my wife, who is also a Mother, and done an extraordinary amount of research into gifts to not buy Mom this Sunday. And by “extraordinary research” I mean Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde sent me an email with a link to some really fucking stoopid crap being sold as gifts. And by “fucking stoopid crap” I mean shit that would clutter up a landfill.
Let us explore.
I am gonna put up a few photos of actual items for sale that some poor Dumbass will buy for his wife or Mother. The wife or Mother, upon receipt of this steaming pile of merchandise, will then Google up “gazebo removers”, if ou know what I mean and I think you do.
While this contraption may look like Good Old Dad has an ulterior motive in making this purchase, the fact of the matter is that while this may look like something Mom practices a hummer on, it’s actually a (I ain’t making this up) a “Suction-Powered Lip Plumper”. It must be a tremendous item, just take notice of the “far away” look in Mom’s eyes. I think Dad may be on to something here. I’m just sayin’.
If you think the blow job insinuator up there ^^^ is a poor choice of Mothers Day gift ideas, then this one probably comes with a loaded .45 and a hollowpoint bullet in the chamber. This contraption is a “Waist Stretcher”. I can think of no better way to get Mom to Google-ing “gazebo removers” or “insanity pleas for husband murder” than to make her a present of this thing. You see, Mothers Day is the perfect time to let Mom know she’s put on an extra inch or two in the abdominal area. Trust me on this one, Guys. You’d rather fight Satan at the End of Times using only a Slinky as a weapon than to buy this as a Mothers Day gift. The Blow Job Thing is a far better choice. And that ain’t necessarily a positive thing.
Mom the Sprots Fan
I am from Texas and almost all Texas Women are sports fans to varying degrees. My sister Teri can talk shit about sports with the best of ’em, male or female. For women like her, this “Personalized Bobblehead Doll” would be an outstanding gfit idea. Keep in mind,Guys, that the woman you buy one of these for must be a HUGE sports fan! If she’s not big on football and stuff and you give her this lovely trinket for Mothers Day, on Monday she will be a big Female Divorce Lawyer on PMS Fan. Enough said.
Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde came across these sensational items on the Huffandpuffandgiveyouablowjobpost, where you can view a nifty slide show of wonderful Mothers Day gift ideas similar to those above. She then proceeded to lecture about the virute of receiving diamonds as a deterant to”gazebo remover” or “pissed of female divorce attorney” Google-ing. I am sure she was being very sincere with me.
For more exciting and “unique” ways to tell Mom you lover this Mothers Day, it is imperative that you visit the site where all these valuable and collectable treasures can be found.
Fellow Dumbasses, let valor be the better part of judgement when considering what to give Mom this Sunday. Also, in your mid’s ear, let the words “gazebo remover” echo loudly and often. I’m just sayin’.