Category: Gifts

Dumbass Valentines Day Gift Ideas!

Happy Valentines Day, Dumbasses!

Tens of millions of you will be giving gifts to that Special Someone. And for all you Dumbasses, that Special Someone will be getting off the short bus later today or will be released from The Home for the Criminally Stupid on a day pass. Regardless, you’ll want to shower them with gifts of chocolate, flowers and maybe even a night out at your favorite restaurant.

While all the gifts mentioned above are fine and dandy for Ordinary People, being a Dumbass means going the extra mile when it comes to gift-giving. And by “extra mile”, I of course mean “leaving Mommy’s basement” and buying a “unique” gift for your Dumbass Valentine. 

Valentines Day, Dumbass Style  

In order to find an appropriate Dumbass Valentines gift, you must think outside the box. The following gift suggestions are prime examples of thinking outside the box or in Dumbass parlance, being extremely drunk.

The Dumbasses at YourTango.com have come up with a gift list that will surely astonish even the most discerning of Valentines.

1. Pig’s heart with a nail through it. Seriously? Yes, seriously. This is what Real World: Londonparticipant Neil received as a “gift” from his then girlfriend. Yummy? Pretty? Romantic? You decide.
2. Severed head. “Taking someone’s head after killing them was a ritualistic part of life in the culture until the 1930s and suitors would present severed heads to potential partners to woo them or to brides to celebrate their marriage,” according to archive material in the Royal Botanic Gardens at Kew. But the real question is what does one do with a severed head … put it on the wall? Say thank you and store it in fridge á la Jeffrey Dahmer? Yes! (I think.)
3. Hissing cockroach. If you’re stumped as to what get your great love, then the Bronx Zoo has the answer. HISSING COCKROACH. No! Not the actual thing, but naming your beloved after one of the thousands Madagascar hissing cockroaches after them. Nothing says romance like a cockroach … can I get a high-five on this one?
4. A massacre. On Valentine’s Day 1929, Al Capone set out to murder everyone who was against him in Chicago, including the North Side Gang. While this may have been a stellar gift to himself, the outcry after the massacre resulted in the beginning of the end of Capone’s reign. Takeaway? Valentines gift you give to yourself shouldn’t just be all about you. Duh.
5. An STD. This one comes from semi-personal experience … no, no, not me! A few years ago a co-worker hooked up with her ex well after the fact. Since they used to have sex, she decided a condom wasn’t necessary. This was December. Although they didn’t speak again after that one incident, she did receive a card on Valentine’s Day — messenger delivered, mind you — saying: “Congrats! I gave you herpes!” It was from the ex-boyfriend.
What Dumbass Valentine wouldn’t love to receive something as cool as this stuff? Except for the STD thingy that is.
Now sally forth into the madness that is Valentines Day shopping! These gift ideas are guaranteed to please your sweetie pie! Or guaranteed to hasten a possibly bloody break up.
Dumbass.

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Happy Dads Day! A Tribute to Dads and Family

Gawn Fishin’

Today, as I celebrate my 34th (Thirty-fourth? Am I really that old?) Fathers Day, I wanted to take a minute to wish every Dad in the United States, all ex-pat Dads overseas and, most importantly, the brave Dads in all branches of the US Military, a Happy Fathers Day.

I also wanted to  express my deepest gratitude to God for giving me a chance to be a Dad. Twice. Opportunities that I in no way deserved, but the Almighty saw something in me that I didn’t even know was there and blessed me with my two beautiful daughters – Isabella the 9 Year Old and Bailey the 5 Year Old. I didn’t so hot the first time with my sons (who are both in their 30s), but I must admit that I am doing a bang-up job with my two little girls. No, that is not a misprint. I am Dad to two small children in my “Gettin’ to Be a Grouchy Fucker” Days. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Every man alive should have grandchildren older than his own kids.

Just like me. And my Dad. Like Father, like Son. (Doing my best Richard Pryor and strutting with my pointing finger poised and my arm swingin’ back and forth) We bad. We bad.

Dumbass Dad-Related Stuff

  • The Old Guy in this story is somebody’s Father. The Old Guy was attacked by a Dumbass with a cucumber salad! Plus!, the Old Guy is a One Legged Old Guy! In a HoverRound! What. The. Fuck!!! The Cucumber Mugger is now a prison bitch. Have a nice day, dickweed.
  • My Dad was a trucker. For over 40 years, he traveled literally millions of miles across the Fruited Pain. I bet he didn’t miss more than 10 days of work (until just before he died) during those 40 plus years. Never made an excuse to miss work. Some Dads come up some real dumbass reasons to play hooky from the job. Check out some of the be-yoots that have actually been used by Dumbass Dads everywhere.
  • For the last-minute-shopping Dumbasses out there, here are some gifts that will give your good reason to remove you from his Last Will & Testament.
  • This post is a very special one to me, your Fearless Leader. I wrote it about my own Dad. If your Dad has gone to the Big Truck Stop in the Sky like mine, have a hanky handy. Things could get, shall we say, emotional. No we shall not. We shall say that you might end up blubbering like a fat lady who runs out of Krispy Kreme Chocolate Glazed. 

 Quick Notes

I love my wife, Heather, whose eye sight is poor and her judgement in husbands (me) ain’t so hot either. She is my rock. I put her through some shit that I won’t bring up here, but she stayed steady on her feet and in her resolve and for some God-only-knows reason. My life is much richer and more meaningful because of her. She has my everlasting devotion and love. She saved my life. I love you, Heather.

To my four kids: I could not have picked up a Sears Catalogue and ordered four offspring better than you. Trey, Toby, Issy and Bailey…I, in spite of my voluminous vocabulary and precision command of the English language, can not find the words to tell you exactly how much I treasure each and every one of you. Each of you, in his or her own way, has made me a better man and a better Dad. Your forgiveness for the many of my foolish sins and accepting me for “just being Dad”, warts and all, inspires me to reach a higher level of Dad-ness and manhood. I love you all unconditionally.

To my Grand Kids: Julius, Zoey, Chaeli, Aiden, Tristan and the soon to be newest Shoemaker, Benjamin Oliver (he’s due in September, maybe on my birthday!). Simply read what I wrote about your parents and put your names where theirs are. Same to you. I adore all of you to the moon and back. Y’all are the cheese on my burger. 🙂

Come sit on my knee and I’ll tell you about the Good Old Days

To Faith: Mija, you have added such character to our family. Your strength and determination plus a great outlook on life are the stuff that
makes strong families. no matter what happens ever, you will be “Mija” to me. You are presenting me with the gift of a Grand Son. Did you know that “Benjamin” means “Son of My Right Hand” in Hebrew? Now you do. If I could only figure out how the Jews would say “Grand Son of My Right Hand to the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde”. 🙂 I love you, Mija.

I think that just about covers it all.

Happy Fathers Day!

Dumbasses. 🙂

Mothers Day Gift Suggestions That You DON’T Want to Buy!

Nothing Says “Mom’s a Slut” Like a High Heel Wine Holder for Mothers Day

I am a guy. I am a lousy gift buyer. This is especially true when it comes to picking out a gift for a woman, say, like Mom.

When you are a kid getting Mom a Mothers Day present is easy. Any gift will do. Perfume? Sure. House shoes. You bet. Embalmed gila monster incense burner? Not a problem. But as you get older, you are expected to be a bit more practical about such things. I don’t understand why that is though. I am still a guy who has no frakkin’ clue what to get Mom for her special day. Besides, an embalmed gila monster incense burner still sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

It is at this point that I remind myself that I am a Dumbass.

Choices

These days it’s much easier to do the actual shopping for a Mothers Day gift, thanks in large part to the internet. If you have an internet connection and a debit card you can buy practically anything from anywhere in the world. A few mouse clicks and the next thing you know Mom has been booked for an all expense paid trip to Puerta NoOneKnows or she’s the proud owner of that authentic fake Shroud of Turin Replica, autographed by Jesus. Yes, Jesus himself (pronounced Hay-soos), a Colombian burro rancher and part-time cocaine distributor for the Cali drug cartel, will personally sign and authenticate each Shroud sold. I must point out that although the Shroud may be a reproduction, the burro hair it is made from is quite real. It’s a real steal at 4 bazillion pesos. That’s about 38 cents American. A free line of blow is included with bulk orders of 25 or more.

Any Mom would be glad to own one and proud to wear it to her next Little Old Ladies’ Every Other Wednesday Canasta Tournament and Tequila Drinking Extravaganza.

Or maybe not.

Making the RIGHT Choice

This is where things get hairy when guys buy stuff for women, whether it’s for Mothers Day, an anniversary or because he was out waaaayyy too late with the boys last night. No matter the circumstance, we men make lousy gift choices.

As a Public Service to My Fellow Male Dumbasses Who Are Pitiful Gift Buyers for Females, I have heeded the advice of my wife, who is also a Mother, and done an extraordinary amount of research into gifts to not buy Mom this Sunday. And by “extraordinary research” I mean Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde sent me an email with a link to some really fucking stoopid crap being sold as gifts. And by “fucking stoopid crap” I mean shit that would clutter up a landfill.

Let us explore.

Exploring

I am gonna put up a few photos of actual items for sale that some poor Dumbass will buy for his wife or Mother. The wife or Mother, upon receipt of this steaming pile of merchandise, will then Google up “gazebo removers”, if ou know what I mean and I think you do.

First up…

While this contraption may look like Good Old Dad has an ulterior motive in making this purchase, the fact of the matter is that while this may look like something Mom practices a hummer on, it’s actually a (I ain’t making this up) a “Suction-Powered Lip Plumper”. It must be a tremendous item, just take notice of the “far away” look in Mom’s eyes. I think Dad may be on to something here. I’m just sayin’.

Item #2…

If you think the blow job insinuator up there ^^^ is a poor choice of Mothers Day gift ideas, then this one probably comes with a loaded .45 and a hollowpoint bullet in the chamber. This contraption is a “Waist Stretcher”. I can think of no better way to get Mom to Google-ing “gazebo removers” or “insanity pleas for husband murder” than to make her a present of this thing. You see, Mothers Day is the perfect time to let Mom know she’s put on an extra inch or two in the abdominal area. Trust me on this one, Guys. You’d rather fight Satan at the End of Times using only a Slinky as a weapon than to buy this as a Mothers Day gift. The Blow Job Thing is a far better choice. And that ain’t necessarily a positive thing.

Mom the Sprots Fan

I am from Texas and almost all Texas Women are sports fans to varying degrees. My sister Teri can talk shit about sports with the best of ’em, male or female. For women like her, this “Personalized Bobblehead Doll” would be an outstanding gfit idea. Keep in mind,Guys, that the woman you buy one of these for must be a HUGE sports fan! If she’s not big on football and stuff and you give her this lovely trinket for Mothers Day, on Monday she will be a big Female Divorce Lawyer on PMS Fan. Enough said.

Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde came across these sensational items on the Huffandpuffandgiveyouablowjobpost, where you can view a nifty slide show of wonderful Mothers Day gift ideas similar to those above. She then proceeded to lecture about the virute of receiving diamonds as a deterant to”gazebo remover” or “pissed of female divorce attorney” Google-ing. I am sure she was being very sincere with me.

For more exciting and “unique” ways to tell Mom you lover this Mothers Day, it is imperative that you visit the site where all these valuable and collectable treasures can be found.

Fellow Dumbasses, let valor be the better part of judgement when considering what to give Mom this Sunday. Also, in your mid’s ear, let the words “gazebo remover” echo loudly and often. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbasses.