With Fathers Day looming, it’s time for our 1st Annual Fathers Day Gifts Only a Dumbass Would Buy Extravaganza! We ran a similar feature for Mothers Day in May and that post undoubtedly save the asses of Dumbasses all over the United States. In case you missed the Mothers Day Do Not Buy List just click the link above and take a gander at some of the most God awful gifts in the history of gift giving.
Go see what I am talking about and I’ll wait here for you.
A Suction-Powered Lip Plumper? The sad thing is that people will actually buy that shit. I won’t even go into what Dear Old Dad could plump up with that thing, but I guarantee you it won’t be his lips.
Dad’s Turn in the Dumbass Gift Line
I am going to list some of the crap available for your Dads Day present purchases and you can use your own judgement as to the suitability of any individual item for your Father. I must say that if you hate your Old Man then this gift list is tailor-made for you.
OK, you bunch of Sons of Motherless Dumbasses, let’s go shopping for Dad!
Dumbass Doo Hickeys for Dad
We begin our lesson in what not to purchase for your Daddy on his special day with a real dandy idea. How about the fabulous Daddy Diaper Toolbox! This little beauty can be found at GiftsForDadToBe.com. Straight from the GiftsForDadToBe website we discover that the DDT (a perfect if I’ve ever seen one), has the following attractive features:
- Goggles – protection against projectiles
- Mask – toxic fume filter for when it doesn’t smell like roses
- Protective Poop Poncho – need we say more???
- Tongs – provides several inches of steel separation
- Turkey Baster – for precision hiney washing
- Ear/Nose Plugs – use with care
- Pacifier – scream plug
- Baby Wipes – for cleaning baby bottom
- Diaper for Newborn – cute as a kitten until it gets wet
- Bio Hazard Bag and Rubber Gloves – for quarantine containment
- Emergency Formula Container – doubles as a peepee cover
- Hand Wipes – to clean up afterwards
- Picture Frame – badge of honor
Let me tell you, Dumbass Horde, that at first I was a bit skeptical of the Daddy Diaper Toolbox, but I have seen the light! My initial thought was that any Dad worth his WD-40 would want to open a toolbox and see, oh, I don’t know, tools maybe? Craftsman, Mac or Snap On. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. But! Once I found out that the DDT comes equipped with a set of tongs for “several inches of steel separation” AND a nifty turkey baster “for precision hiney washing”, I became a believer! Can I get an “Amen” from the Dumbass Horde!!??
Now that the Daddy Diaper Toolbox has my full and undivided attention, I am enthralled and curious as to what other magnificent Fathers Day goodies are out there. Let’s explore together, shall we?
Being from Texas and all, I personally know dozens of cowboys. And I can not think of one of them that
would wouldn’t enjoy a life size horse lamp!
This masterpiece is an item for sale at Olighting.com for a mere $7981.00! Dad is sure to treasure it for at least ten minutes!
My Texas roots again steer (pun intended) me to this Western Themed artifact:
The Steer Skull Toilet Seat! Every Man Cave should have one. You can get your Dad one today at Overstock.com for only $41.49. I. Must. Have. One. Of. These!
Even More Dumbass Fathers Day Gifts!
These prized possessions are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg when it comes to outstanding Dumbass Dads Day Doo Hickeys. If you’d like to be further amazed at what passes for a present for a special occasion like Fathers Day, click on over to the HuffingtonPuffingtonPost for more exciting merchandise that will make Dad throw up like he drank cheap Tequila.
You won’t be sorry. You’ll be dumbfounded and nauseous and you’ll laugh your ass off, but you won’t be sorry.
And Dad will love the gift. Maybe. Or not.