Today’s story involves lost jewelry. Very expensive lost jewelry.
That’s one thing I have never understood. Why people wear expensive baubles and beadfs aroung like most other people wear watches or wedding rings. Are they showing off? Maybe. Are the just doing what they think is OK? Probably. Could it be that they are just plain old Dumbasses? Most likely.
|Not a White Little Old Lady|
Not a White Little Old Lady
The worst offenders in this type of “Look at me!” Dumbassey are rappers and athletes. Even the White Guys. I have seen White Guys wearing chains big enough to use on a Harley. The Black Guys, though, bring bling beyond blinding to blistering., like looking directly at the Sun through a telescope without the proper Solar filters. That’s some bright shit, bro!
The Other Worst Offenders
It may comes a surprise to you, but the absolute worst bling-wearing boneheads are White Little Old Ladies. Just like the bruthahs who accessorize like Mr. T, I have nothing against White Little Old Ladies. My Mother is a White Little Old Lady for criiminy’s sakes. I do, however, have a problem with someone wearing 100 pounds of bling on a 94 pound body. White Little Old Ladies….it’s very unbecoming.
I realize that some pieces of jewelry are family heirlooms and gifts from dearly departed loved ones, but putting them on display when you do everyday things like go to the Piggly Wiggly (for you Yoopers, that’s a supermarket chain in the South… and I don’t mean South Dee-troit either) to pick up some Spam and Egg Beaters.
To my way of thinking, wearing a shit load of gold and diamonds is like having a neon sign above your head flashing “Beat Me Up and Rob Me of My Bling!” Now, atletes and rappers can probably defend themselves with little or no difficulty, especially if they are packing a rod. (Again, for you Yoopers, that means “carrying a gun”). BANG! Dead Bad Guy. I am very fond of Dead Bad Guys. But, I digress.
Bling Can Be Lost, Too
In addition to being beaten the hell out of, mugged and maimed, losing your bling is also a very good possibility. And if you are sporting a ton of the shiny objects, how would you know if you lost one? Do you keep with you an inventory on the jewels you wear each day? Where? On your iPhone? that won’t do you any good, because the same Soon to Be Dead Bad Guy that ripped off your jewelry will also steal your iPhone. In other words, you are fucked.
Dammit, I digressed again.
Ask a lady in (Adolph Coors Company) Golden, Colorado about accidentally losing precious personal jewelry. She recently lost ten large (I have already given the Yoopers lessons on “large”) worth of jewels when she flushed them down the toilet!
From 9News (Colorado’s News Leader!): “Wilkerson said she took her rings off at a water park so she wouldn’t lose them. She rolled them in Kleenex and put them in her bag.
“Well, during the day I had blown my nose, and I had thrown more Kleenexes in there, so when I got home I just grabbed the Kleenexes, threw them down the toilet,” she said.
She went to bed and woke up in a panic.
“And I started screaming, ‘Oh, my gosh! I flushed my rings down the toilet,'” she said.”
In scientific terms, this is called “self-inflicted Dumbassery”. Mrs. W had to know she was headed to the water park, so why would she wear all the valuables there any way? She’s a White Little Old Lady! That’s why!
There is a nice ending to the story, thankfully, as some Sewer Guys (no word on whether they were wearing bling or not) found Mrs. W’s valuable bling and returned it to her.
Let this be a lesson to not only Mrs. W, but to all White Little Old Ladies across the country.
|Bad Guy Repellant – 3 Nifty Sizes|
The lesson: If you are gonna wear a bunch of expensive shit to do every day make sure it is secure on your person. And pack heat. Major heat. Glock 9mm will do nicely.