Category: Grand Theft Auto

Dumbass: I’ll Trade Ya This Stolen $40k Car for $20 Worth of Crack

Last week I bought a car. Not a new car, real good used one. I picked it up from a mechanic that I’ve been doing bidness with for a couple of years. I learned about Jim (the mechanic) from Mike the Maintenance Hombre here at our apartment complex. He has been working here for about two years and I know him pretty well, so I trust Mike’s judgement. I figger that if a guy who fixes shit for a living recommends another guy who fixes other shit for a living, it’s all good. Word of mouth advertising and all that.

Anyway, I went down to see Jim the Mechanic, found a car I liked, took a test drive, and bought it. Outright. Cash. It’s mine.

This is more than I can say for Carlos Sergio Valdes of Austin, Texas.

Carlos and the Car

Carlos also recently paid a visit to a car dealer. Quick note: For all the Yoopers in the Dumbass Horde, “Carlos” is a Meskin name. I thought that I’d pass that on to you because I know that the only Meskins you have ever seen were on TV and the name “Carlos” prolly threw you for a loop because it ain’t Fwench.

Back to Carlos…Carlos went to a Chebby dealer down in Austin under the pretense of buying a new automobile. But the Chevy Salesman that was helping Carlos out had no clue about the shenanigans good ol’ Chuck had up his sleeve. Quick note, too: “Carlos” translates from Spanish to English as “Charles”. Hence, “Chuck”. Or “El Chuck-o”. Take your pick. 

El Chuck-o and the Chevy Sales Guy had a nice car-buying conversation. Carlos was so impressed by the SUV that he took the brand spankin’ new Chevy Tahoe on a test drive. Without permission! A quick look at Chevrolet’s web site says that Tahoes are priced starting at $39,830. This is an important fact to remember.

Meanwhile, Back at the Chevrolet Dealership…

So here’s Carlos on an unauthorized test drive in a $39,830 SUV. Nothing good could come from this, could it?

El Chuck-o was gone with the Tahoe for a couple of hours when he called the Austin Police Department to report the car stolen! The APD met with Carlos to discuss the stolen ride. He obliged them with the details of the theft and everything was cool. Until the cops later pulled over a woman driving the missing SUV.

She ratted out Carlos quicker than a fat kid sucks down a double dip chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream cone. She indeed ha gotten the Tahoe from Carlos – for two rocks of crack cocaine! Now where I come from, trading $20 worth of crack for a $39,830 Chevy Tahoe is a very good bidness deal. If you are the crack dealer. Where I come from this is also known as receiving stolen merchandise. And a felony.


  • The Chevy Guy is an idjit.
  • Never let a guy with the name of “Sergio” as part of his moniker near a $39,830 automobile. This is very bad joo joo.
  • When you commit a felony like Grand Theft Auto, it’s a very bad idea to call the cops. They have ways of figuring this kind of deal out.
  • If a guy is willing to steal a $39,830 SUV and trade it for $20 worth of crack cocaine, his life is fucked up because of said crack cocaine.
  • Crack cocaine must be some good shit. 
  • Chevy sucks. See: bailout; tax payers money; not yet paid back.
  • Can we the American Taxpayer repo General Motors since they still owe us billions of dollars? (I don’t care what their TV ads say to the contrary) If you were to miss a car payment or two they’d snatch your wheels quick as a hiccup. Turnabout is fair play.



Guy Steals Delivery Car, Finishes Deliveries, Goes to Jail

This past Friday political conservatives from all over the internet staged a “buycott” of Papa John’s Pizza. This was in response to political liberals’ boycott of Papa John’s because of the pizza giant’s plans to cut many full time employees’ hours to part time and to outright discharge other workers due to the looming implementation of Obamacare, or as I call it, “a big steaming pile of yak shit”.

Regardless of your position on the impending health care law, you have to admit that you have not yet heard of a single theft of a Papa John’s delivery guy’s automobile during this event. Even in Connecticut. Bipartisanship at its finest.

The same can not be said for a Chinese Food Delivery Guy in Connecticut.

GTA Gai Pan

Some poor schlub in Connecticut was going about his bidness of delivering Chinese food to the hungry folks of Hartford when he did something stoopid. The Schlub was making a delivery to Bristow Middle School. When he went inside to deliver the food, he left his car running! This was all the opportunity that Keith Hinds needed.

Keith jumped in the idling car and hauled ass. And by “hauled ass” I mean he went on to continuing to deliver the remaining orders on The Schlub’s route! He evidently intended to keep all the cash he was collecting from the deliveries.

The cops were called and the restaurant also called the remaining customers on the route notifying them about what had happened. It was then that one of the customers reported to the restaurant that his food had already been delivered! By the car thief! At this point the jig was up.

The cops easily located Hinds and put him under arrest.

Upon taking him into custody, you’ll never in a gazillion years believe what the cops found in Keith Hinds’ possession. Drugs – a joint and an anti-psychotic. Oh, yeah, and a crack pipe. Knock me over with a feather.

Election turmoil with possible voter fraud, the death of Twinkies and now this.

Our country is doomed.


Car Thief to Cops: "You Can’t Arrest Me for GTA. This Car is Already Stolen!"

Taking a Bite Out of Crime

As I have stated several times in the past, I am a reality TV nut. You name the show. “Operation Repo”, “Lizard Lick”, “Dance Moms” (this one is frakkin’ hilarious) or all the Police-type reality shows. “Bait Car” comes to mind.

Have you ever seen “Bait Car”? The premise is actually very simple. The local cops place a “bait car” in a high crime area of town, stage the “arrest” of an undercover cop and leave the car, with the keys in it, on the side of the street where unsavory looking characters mull about drinkin’ 40s and singing rap tunes. Eventually one of the bad guys will say something like, “Hey,Nigga, Imo steal a cah, Nigga!” Meanwhile, the car is loaded with all sorts of high tech gizmos like mics and cameras. The dumbass who swipes the car is then video taped as he commits the crime and is soon pulled over by the heat, arrested, tried and convicted then sent the state pen where he becomes a whiny pussy prison bitch.

Real Life “Bait Car”

As you can imagine, the excuses for stealing cars are many and varied. “I was just taking the car around the corner, Officer.” Or, “It belongs to my friend” and other stoopid shit. Needless to say, when the car thieves find out they have stolen a bait car they either say “I’m sorry” or shit their pants. Usually shit their pants.

Today’s dumbass takes Grand Theft Auto to new lows.

The Police in Minny Apple O’lis, Minny Soda set up their own “Bait Car” sting to nab some of the city’s bad guys and wanna-be rappers and remove them from polite society. Cops hate car thieves, but they really hate rap music. A rapping car thief is dead meat. Anyway, some dumbass fell for the ol’ bait car trick and was quickly pulled over by the cops. The police then explained to the suspect that the car he had taken belonged to the City of Minny Apple O’lis. Thinking quickly, the guy then informed the law that they couldn’t arrest him because the car was already stolen! As proof the bad guy showed the police that the steering column had been “peeled”.

Let me get this straight. The dumbass claims that stealing a stolen car is not a crime. What. The. Fuck. Let us for a moment put aside the thought that the car Joe (the car thief) took was a bait car and property of the MPD. Stealing stolen goods is not a crime? I suppose if I were to knowingly buy a hot TV from a guy who sells merchandise from the trunk of his car that I could just tell the fuzz that it’s not my fault, the TV was hot anyway. I am 100% certain that the Augusta, Maine Police Department would fail to see the logic in my statement and take me directly to the Kennebec County Crossbar Hilton.

A Product of Public Schools

As you can see by the subtitle above, I was gonna blame the Minny Apple O’lis School District for not properly educating this young man. But I can’t do that. While writing the last sentence, I came to the inescapable conclusion that if Joe’s brains were dynamite, he couldn’t blow his nose. The guy’s a dumbass! Funny, but he’s still a dumbass. And “funny” does not keep a GTA Guy out of jail.

After several hours of uproarious laughter, the cops regained their composure and took Joe and an accomplice on a nice ride to the city slammer where he’s busily taking it up the ole poop chute in preparation for a lengthy vacation in the Big House. As they say, luck favors a prepared mind. Or in Joe’s case, rectum.