|Got a Headache? Try Ice Water|
I found an article that is as near perfect as you can get for Dumbass News. What you are about to read is scientific evidence that being a Dumbass can be a good for your health! I say this with a caveat, however. The study that determined this stuff was done in England. And since England is evolving into a Third World Muslim Hellhole, I have concluded that English scientists are Third World Dumbasses. And pussies. Let me splain.
These guys with nothing better to do than conduct research on the effects of cussing on your health, while their country is going down the loo, have come to a surprising conclusion. Cussing can be good for your health! You read that right you fuckin’ dumbass. Let go with the ugly words and you will feel better than ever! Well, that’s not exactly the truth. The pussy English guys who did this study came to the conclusion that those who cuss “moderately”, whatever the hell “moderately” means, can actually relieve pain! No shit? These morons did an experiment where 67 other English pussies put their hand into a bucket filled with ice water and repeated a cuss word over and over can do so for forty seconds longer than those who repeated a non cuss word over and over. BUT! if you cuss more than 60 times a day you won’t get any benefit from keeping your hand in ice water for a period of time. What? Here’s something straight from the pussy English scientists themselves, “And the study found those who swear as many as 60 times a day receive less pain relief than those who curse a few times a day. People who curse frequently do so without an emotional response, which reduces the pain-relieving effects, the study said.” Well that certainly clears that up.
My Own Scientific Conclusions
You mean to tell me that if cut off my cussing at 59 times a day I am gonna get some kind of pain relief? And all this time the myriad Doctors I’ve been seeing for my arthritis and fibromyalgia have been giving me enough bills to choke Roseanne Barr and all they had to do was tell me to cuss 59 times a day? I expected men and women who spent a hundred or more large earning a medical degree to know what they are doing. That theory is shot to hell. I smell a malpractice suit in the air. I’ll keep an eye out for Joe Bornstein, the TV lawyer who has his very own “800” number. Joe also handles disability claims, car wrecks and assault with a deadly midget. I know this to be true because the evil insurance companies lawyers always cower and shit their pants when the injured party says that Joe is their attorney. To think, I hired a local lawyer to handle my disability claim when I could have had some guy who the bad guy attorneys fear like Barrack Obama fears capitalism.
How could the idiots that performed this study tell what caused the guinea pigs’ pain to moderate. Do they have a Pain-O-Meter or some shit? Also, how could they conclude that it was because the twits who kept their hand in the ice water longer do so because they were cussing? I want some fucking answers! Another thing…why in the name of all that is Holy would these spitwad -for-brains dumbasses want to cuss and keep their hand in a bucket of ice water!? My last question…who’s stoopid enough to carry around a bucket of ice water just in case they have a headache? Remember too that it’s very impolite to cuss in public.The really smart assholes who participated in this voodoo will put a couple of Guiness Stouts and a waterproof lunch container in bucket of ice water. A couple of Guiness will kill any pain you are experiencing, from a headache all way to a pick axe protruding from your skull, hand in ice water bucket not needed.
I Want Answers!
I’m sure you’ll agree that these are vital inquiries that cry out, nay, demand answers and I will not rest until I find them! I am afraid, however, that we’ll discover that the study took place in a methadone clinic. I’m just sayin’.
***Photo from Kool Czar Blog***