The Windy City.
The Second City.
Gun Control Capital of the United States. Hence, Murder Capital of the United States.
Closing in on being The Dumbass Capital of the United States of America, but, for the moment, Florida has the most concentrated Dumbass per capita ratio in The Fruited Plain. Chicago, on the other hand, does lay claim to being The City With the Highest Concentration of Powerful Dumbasses in the United States of America.
A quick roll call of Powerful Dumbasses with Ties to Chicago:
- President of the United States
- Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel
- Rev. Jesse Jackson
- Jesse Jackson, Jr.
- Father Michael Pfleger
- Rev. Jeremiah Wright
- William Ayers, Terrorist
- Bernadette Dohrn, (Mrs. Wm. Ayers)
- Jay Cutler, QB, Chicago Bears
- Chicago White Sox
That’s quite a list, ain’t it?
The Powerful Dumbasses on The List better make room, because it looks like Chicago has a rising Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting and at the rate this Young Dumbass is going, he’ll be on The List by his 18th birthday. If he lives that long.
Gun Go BOOM!
The Protagonist in our Dumbass Drama today is but 17 years old.
|Shooters of Weenies***|
Our Protagonist was chillin’ wit sum hoes (a little South Side lingo there) in Northwest Chi-Town one night recently when he thought he’d be cool. And, as you might have guessed, by “be cool” I mean “do something extraordinarily fucked up”.
The kid with the bleeding weenie called the cops. He told them that two guys dressed like ninjas jumped out of a black van and summarily shot him in his package. Then he changed his story. Then he changed his story again. And again. He went on lying to the cops until he got tired of his weenie bleeding like a stuck pig when finally ‘fessed up.
The Young Dumbass was hospitalized and he’ll be fine in due time.
The last paragraph in this story as written on HuffPo goes like this: As of Saturday, multiple reports indicated it was unclear what charges the boy would face, if any. According to the state’s criminal code, giving false reports to police could be classified disorderly conduct and punishable by fines.
“What charges, if any…”? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean “if any” like discharging a firearm within the city limits? No kind of “recklessness with a deadly weapon”-type charges? How about possession of an unregistered pistol? Granted, the HuffPo story doesn’t say that the gun is unregistered, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it ain’t.
“But, Fearless Leader,” you plea, “how can you be so sure of that?”
It’s really quite simple. With the kind of draconian and, in my opinion, unconstitutional, gun control measures in Chicago, along with the Commie mainstream media’s leftist bias concerning firearms, if this pistol was in fact a registered weapon, they (the media and every Illinois politician within range of a TV news camera) would have pounded that point home with Thor’s hammer.
Did I mention that the Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting came clean to the police about being affiliated with at least one Chicago gang?
“What charges, if any…” Really?
***Photo from Huffington Post via Alamy***
|Shot in Number 3|
There are, of course, exceptions to the Amendment. Like convicted felons owning guns and that sort of thing.
Which brings us to today’s story.
Big No No
Tavares Donnell Colbert is one of the exceptions to the 2nd Amendment in which I alluded to earlier. He is a convicted felon having been found guilty of possession and intent to distribute a controlled substance. Therefore, no pistola for Senor Colbert.
But Mr. Colbert, being the Dumbass Drug Dealer and convicted asswipe that he is, has no desire nor compunction to obey the law. Hell, he just spent a stretch in the Big House, and I feel safe in saying that he probably didn’t take any civics classes while he was locked up. But, I am merely speculating.
To further bolster my argument, let me fill you in on the fact that Tavvy-poo illegally bought a weapon off the street some where in Kansas.
This is where the fun begins.
From what I ascertain, Tav was planning his next big bidness venture in the Wonderful World of Narcotics Capitalism, when he thought it would be a good thing to test out his ill-gotten gun before actually committing a crime. So he got on Interstate 35, found a nice private place to bust a few caps.
Then he promptly shot himself in his Manhood.
My source story doesn’t get specific about whether Tavares blasted himself in the gazebos or in Willie the One-Eyed Wonder Worm. As a member of the Male of the Species, I can unquestionably tell you that neither the gazebos nor Willie are the most preferred place in which to suffer a gunshot wound. Anytime. Especially at close range. That’s gotta leave mark.
With his genitals now resembling shredded wheat, “T” drove himself to the hospital where he received emergency care for his ding-a-ling and his huevos. Plus! As an added bonus he also got a visit from the Oklahoma City Police Department. See, when injury by a firearm is involved in an ER visit, hospitals are required by law to notify law enforcement.
Upon seeing the evidence at hand (see what I did there?), the OKCPD did their duty and escorted Tavares Donnell Colbert to the OKC Facility for Dumbasses Who Shoot themselves in the nuts sack.TDC’s next big adventure will include many years behind bars and an up close and very personal relationship with the Dumbass News Official Adopted Felon, Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams, iykwimaityd.
It appears that Prison Bitch-hood will suit Tavares well. Instead of testing an illegal firearm, he’ll be testing “long barrelled “pistolas”. And the elasticity of his bung hole.