Category: Gun

Chicago Gun Control Laws Lead to Bullet Wound in Weenie!

Chicago.

Chi-town.

The Windy City.

The Second City.

Gun Control Capital of the United States. Hence, Murder Capital of the United States.

Closing in on being The Dumbass Capital of the United States of America, but, for the moment, Florida has the most concentrated Dumbass per capita ratio in The Fruited Plain. Chicago, on the other hand, does lay claim to being The City With the Highest Concentration of Powerful Dumbasses in the United States of America.

A quick roll call of Powerful Dumbasses with Ties to Chicago:

  • President of the United States
  • Mayor of Chicago, Rahm Emanuel
  • Rev. Jesse Jackson
  • Jesse Jackson, Jr.
  • Father Michael Pfleger
  • Rev. Jeremiah Wright
  • William Ayers, Terrorist
  • Bernadette Dohrn, (Mrs. Wm. Ayers)
  • Jay Cutler, QB, Chicago Bears
  • Chicago White Sox

That’s quite a list, ain’t it?

The Powerful Dumbasses on The List better make room, because it looks like Chicago has a rising Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting and at the rate this Young Dumbass is going, he’ll be on The List by his 18th birthday. If he lives that long.

Gun Go BOOM!

The Protagonist in our Dumbass Drama today is but 17 years old.

Shooters of Weenies***

Our Protagonist was chillin’ wit sum hoes (a little South Side lingo there) in Northwest Chi-Town one night recently when he thought he’d be cool. And, as you might have guessed, by “be cool” I mean “do something extraordinarily fucked up”.

The kid with the bleeding weenie called the cops. He told them that two guys dressed like ninjas jumped out of a black van and summarily shot him in his package. Then he changed his story. Then he changed his story again. And again. He went on lying to the cops until he got tired of his weenie bleeding like a stuck pig when finally ‘fessed up.

The Young Dumbass was hospitalized and he’ll be fine in due time.

WTF?

The last paragraph in this story as written on HuffPo goes like this: As of Saturday, multiple reports indicated it was unclear what charges the boy would face, if any. According to the state’s criminal code, giving false reports to police could be classified disorderly conduct and punishable by fines.

“What charges, if any…”? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean “if any” like discharging a firearm within the city limits? No kind of “recklessness with a deadly weapon”-type charges? How about possession of an unregistered pistol? Granted, the HuffPo story doesn’t say that the gun is unregistered, but you can bet your bottom dollar that it ain’t.

“But, Fearless Leader,” you plea, “how can you be so sure of that?”

It’s really quite simple. With the kind of draconian and, in my opinion, unconstitutional, gun control measures in Chicago, along with the Commie mainstream media’s leftist bias concerning firearms, if this pistol was in fact a registered weapon, they (the media and every Illinois politician within range of a TV news camera) would have pounded that point home with Thor’s hammer.

Did I mention that the Powerful Dumbass-in-Waiting came clean to the police about being affiliated with at least one Chicago gang?

“What charges, if any…” Really?

Fucking Dumbasses.

***Photo from Huffington Post via Alamy***

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Purse Goes BOOM in Starbucks;Reader’s Choice Birthday Bash Best of Dumbass News

I wrote this post back on January 5,2012 and for some Dumbass Reason, it has been one of the most popular posts of the last couple of years.

As we celebrate two years of Dumbass News, this goes on the Dumbass’ Choice List of Favorite Posts Since the Beginning of the Blog.

Over & Under Pistolaccino

With big announcement of the 2011 Dumbass of the Year and the big threefer Dumbass of the Day post from yesterday, we have begun the new year with both barrels ablazin’. Kind of like our dumbass today, except that I am using “both barrels ablazin'” as a metaphor for getting off to a rousing start. Our Dumbass of the Day uses “both barrels ablazin'” in a very literal sense. Allow me to elucidate.

The Elucidation

There’s a young lady, a teenager in fact, in Cheyenne, Wyoming who was visiting her local Starbucks so she could waste $5 on a cup of coffee that she could buy somewhere else for $1.29, when a very strange thing happened. Her purse went off. Not went off like it grew legs and ran away. Went off as in POW! Like a gun! Wanna know why it sounded like a gun? Because it was a gun! As much as I hate to say this about teenagers, this chick is a dumbass. She had an over and under (one barrel on top of another barrel) derringer in her purse and somehow the damn thing discharged. The bullet went through a chair and embedded itself in a wall on the other side of the coffee shop. This young lady is lucky that the bullet didn’t go through another customer and embed itself in yet another bystander. The cops were summoned to the scene and were not exactly what one would call “amused”. “Pissed” is more like it. They cited the dumbass with possession of a firearm by a juvenile which carries a $750 bond and an automatic (no gun pun intended) court appearance. 

The 2nd Amendment

If you’ve been stoopid enough to have read this blog for any length of time, you know that I am big Constitutionalist. If it’s in the Constitution of the United States, leave it the hell alone! This is especially true of the Second Amendment, the one that gives Americans the right to keep and bear arms. There are many good reasons for this amendment being the second one right behind the Freedom of Speech thing, but those are for discussion on another day. 

Anyway, the right to bear arms in the state of Wyoming is not afforded to those not yet of the majority age. For those of you in San Francisco that means a person must be at least 18 in order to legally have a gun in Wyoming. Commie Dumbasses. (in SF, not Wyoming)

Having said all that, with gun ownership comes great responsibility and this girl obviously left responsibility at home when she was packing heat in the first place, much less in a public establishment like Starbucks. As was done, she received the punishment due to her and still faces other charges. Maybe. It’s up to the DA in Cheyenne.

The Right to Be a Dumbass

I don’t normally cover subjects that are so serious, but even dumbasses, myself included, need a reminder of what it takes to be a good American Dumbass. This country has allowed us to be the finest dumbasses on the planet, so let’s do our due diligence in showing our gratitude for such an opportunity. Remember, there are places on this Big Blue Marble that punish and demean dumbasses and gun owners but celebrate sissies and perverts. Like San Francisco. Pussies.

As for our little Annie Oakley at Starbucks…quit packing a rod and tote some feminine hygiene products instead. You never know when you’ll be in San Fran and one of the pussies there will need one. 

And start drinking decaf. You’ll be much better off.

Dumbass.

Purse Goes BANG in Starbucks!

Over & Under

With big announcement of the 2011 Dumbass of the Year and the big threefer Dumbass of the Day post from yesterday, we have begun the new year with both barrels ablazin’. Kind of like our dumbass today, except that I am using “both barrels ablazin'” as a metaphor for getting off to a rousing start. Our Dumbass of the Day uses “both barrels ablazin'” in a very literal sense. Allow me to elucidate.

The Elucidation

There’s a young lady, a teenager in fact, in Cheyenne, Wyoming who was visiting her local Starbucks so she could waste $5 on a cup of coffee that she could buy somewhere else for $1.29, when a very strange thing happened. Her purse went off. Not went off like it grew legs and ran away. Went off as in POW! Like a gun! Wanna know why it sounded like a gun? Because it was a gun! As much as I hate to say this about teenagers, this chick is a dumbass. She had an over and under (one barrel on top of another barrel) derringer in her purse and somehow the damn thing discharged. The bullet went through a chair and embedded itself in a wall on the other side of the coffee shop. This young lady is lucky that the bullet didn’t go through another customer and embed itself in yet another bystander. The cops were summoned to the scene and were not exactly what one would call “amused”. “Pissed” is more like it. They cited the dumbass with possession of a firearm by a juvenile which carries a $750 bond and an automatic (no gun pun intended) court appearance. 

The 2nd Amendment

If you’ve been stoopid enough to have read this blog for any length of time, you know that I am big Constitutionalist. If it’s in the Constitution of the United States, leave it the hell alone! This is especially true of the Second Amendment, the one that gives Americans the right to keep and bear arms. There are many good reasons for this amendment being the second one right behind the Freedom of Speech thing, but those are for discussion on another day. 

Anyway, the right to bear arms in the state of Wyoming is not afforded to those not yet of the majority age. For those of you in San Francisco that means a person must be at least 18 in order to legally have a gun in Wyoming. Commie Dumbasses. (in SF, not Wyoming)

Having said all that, with gun ownership comes great responsibility and this girl obviously left responsibility at home when she was packing heat in the first place, much less in a public establishment like Starbucks. As was done, she received the punishment due to her and still faces other charges. Maybe. It’s up to the DA in Cheyenne.

The Right to Be a Dumbass

I don’t normally cover subjects that are so serious, but even dumbasses, myself included, need a reminder of what it takes to be a good American Dumbass. This country has allowed us to be the finest dumbasses on the planet, so let’s do our due diligence in showing our gratitude for such an opportunity. Remember, there are places on this Big Blue Marble that punish and demean dumbasses and gun owners but celebrate sissies and perverts. Like San Francisco. Pussies.

As for our little Annie Oakley at Starbucks…quit packing a rod and tote some feminine hygiene products instead. You never know when you’ll be in San Fran and one of the pussies there will need one. 

And start drinking decaf. You’ll be much better off.

Dumbass.

The 2011 Dummies! Dead People Division

The New Marital Aid?

Welcome back to the 2011 Dummy Awards, Dumbasses! Moving on to our next Dummy presentation…This Dummy will be going to the Best Performance by a Dumbass, Dead People Division. We had a great year for dead people and dumbasses (unless you were the dead person) in 2011. This category spanned the Dead People spectrum from gubmint fuck ups with dead people to banks and dead people to well, you just name it…2011 was memorable for dead folks all the way around.

The nominees for Best Performance by a Dumbass, Dead People Division are…

The Gubmint and Dead People – This is one of my personal favorites. I always enjoy a good story about what a bunch of dumbasses we have working for our Federal Gubmint. And this tory gives me hope that in the future our grand children will have just as a quality, if not better, of Dumbass working for them a hundred years from now.


Dumbass Shoots, Kills Wife During Sex I love a good, kinky romance story as much as the next dumbass, but some things are better left undone. I’m just sayin’.


SSA says Lady is Alive. She Says Nothing. She’s DEAD! More gubmint incompetency as the Sociah Curity Guys try to write a benefit check to a dead woman!

This category of the Dummies was a tough nut to crack. there were several excellent stories to choose form so I can’t go wrong no matter what, but I liked these three the best. 

And the winner of the Dummy is….

Dumbass Shoots, Kills Wife During Sex! As weird as it may seem. people die during love making every day. usually it’s some medical condition like a heart attack or aneurism that are the cause of the Big Adios. But our man with the gun here exceeded and excelled in the practice of people keelin’ over while humping. I’ll never see a Dirty Harry movie love scene in the same light again.

Man Shoots Self in His Weenie!

We may have found our Dumbass of the Year for 2011 in this story. We have discovered many oustanding dumbass over the first eight months of this year, but this guy is clearly head and shoulders above the rest. Let me splain.

Instant Vasectomy Instrument

Arizona is one of a select few, if not the only, state that has open carry of firearms for all its eligible citizens. Joshua Seto is one of those citizens. Not long ago Josh and his fiancee decided to go out for a nice supper but things did not go well. You see his fiancee, Cara, also carries a pistol. A pink pistol. Before entering the eating establishment, Josh thought it would be a good idea if he put her gun in the waistband of his pants. Things did not go as planned. As Josh was sliding the pistol into his waistband the the gun discharged hitting ole Josh right smack dab “there”. And by “there” I mean tallywhacker. Ouch! That hurts just thinking about it. Oh, yeah, Joshua was also shot in his left thigh. Forget the thigh. This young man just shot himself in his manhood! I hope he and Cara were not planning to have children. Maybe that’s a good thing as Josh is a major dumbass. A major dumbass without a ding a ling. You. Can’t. Make. This. Stuff. Up.

 A police spokesman said it was not clear if Josh had suffered any permanent damage because of the incident, but the Police Department did issue a statement urging gun owner to (I am not kidding here) to take gun safety classes! A suggested motto for the gun safety classes: “Don’t Be a Dickless Dumbass! Take the State Gun Safety Class!” There’s a rhyme there and everything. It’s a little late for good ole tallywahckerless Josh, but thousands of other Arizonans would be wise to heed this message. I hate to see any more men suffer the trauma that Josh has been through. A penisless life is no way to live. And Josh is only 27 years old, so it’s quite possible that he’ll live the next 50 years or so without the music of coitus coming from his skin flute. That’s really sad, especially if his fiancee is a nympho. Poor Joshua. But let’s look at the bright side of this tragedy. At least Josh still has gazebos…I think.

We can learn a few valuable lessons from this accident. 1) Do not carry a gun with a bullet in the chamber 2) Do not try to slip a loaded weapon into your waistband  3) I would hate it if I shot off my own One Eyed Willie. and 4) It’s a good thing that Josh wasn’t stuffing a .12 Gauge shotgun down his pants.
I wish Josh and Cara the beast and hope he recovers fully from his injuries, with or without a weenie.