|Dumbass Smith & Wesson|
It’s been quite an eventful week, even more eventful than “normal”, here at Dumbass News. I have already broken “the news” to my Facebook amigos, so I guess it’s time to let the cat out of the bag here. Due to some debilitating dumbass health reasons and old age, but mostly debilitating dumbass health reasons, I am now Officially Retired. My doctor told me that going back to work is not an option now, so at this point all I have is you, my fellow dumbasses. <sniffle> Thanks for being there for me…assclowns. (I say that with love.) I have already reaped one of the rewards of being put out to pasture, and that is that little blue and white “handicapped” placard you hang off your rear view mirror in your car. Now I can park in one of those special handicapped spaces at those lunatic asylums like Sam’s Club and WalMart. This is where I extract my revenge for all the years of some dipshit zipping in front of me to get a parking spot close to the store. Vengeance is mine, bitches! With Christmas shopping season almost upon us, I am gonna keep a running total, by stamping a Dumbass Caricature on the driver’s side door (like those old WWII fighter planes) of how many assholes I can piss off when I park in the Old Farts Spot while they aimlessly search the parking lot for a space somewhere in the same zip code as the store! bwahahahahahaha!!! I should get plenty of material for the blog at the same time. Christmas shopping dumbasses.
Soooooooo without further ado (whatever the hell that means), let’s take a look at this week’s Dumbass Highlights! We had another stellar week with stories from dumbasses that even surprise me. In case you missed ’em, here they are again:
- Legal Nekkididity in San Francissy! – Yes, friends, you can now visit the Bay Area and observe homos prancing about while they are nekkid as a jay bird. I know that’s always been on my bucket list. I was in SF one time, got off my plane and saw two Oriental homos driving one of those souped up golf cart baggage carrying things and they had tongues flyin’ around like electrons on a uranium atom. I puked. Then I went to the airport bar and got drunk…with my ex-wife! (that’s a Dunmbass News story in and of itself) I kid you not. Now you see why San Fran holds some very “special” memories for me. That was one of the best hurl sessions I’ve ever had – a real Hall of Famer.
- Inmate Sues Prison Over Soy! – This dumbass is in the joint until Michael Moore slims down to 185 pounds. That’s a long time. So he’s suing the Big House because they use soy in much of their food. He’s got a weak stomach or some shit. Pussy. If KI were him, soy would be the last thing on my mind while I was in prison, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Two words you felonious nimrod – bung hole. I’m just sayin’.
- Too Much Cussin’ & Dumbass Newspaper Headlines – My Mom says that I need to cut back on the “colorful metaphors” in my posts. I offer my counter point to that suggestion with some well thought out and reasoned
bullshitarguments otherwise. My Mom called me after she read my reply and now I have to stand in the corner for 15 minutes a day for a week. Gee thanks, Mom. The other half of this post is the rock ’em, sock ’em world of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines! Excuse me, I still have 4 minutes left in my appointment with the corner.
- Veterans Day; Not a Dumbass in the House: This is a rare bear here on the pages of Dumbass News. A serious post. In thanking the Armed Forces personnel who are now serving our country, I thought a quick look at how Veterans Day got started would be kinda cool. It is.
Thanks are in order for you, my kindred spirit of a dumbass, for making this probably the best week (visitor-wise) that the blog has ever had. I am as grateful as a dumbass could be. Now get to fuckin’ reading and be sure to invite your friends to come be in awe of the monumental brilliance that graces these pages. Don’t be shy…leave a comment. I know your keyboard doesn’t have a crayon font, so do your best.
|Autumn Brings Out the Dumbasses|
Another week of 2011 has come and gone and the seasons have changed. Summer has turned into fall. The leaves on the trees have turned from green to gold and seemingly ordinary people have changed from “normal” to dumbass. Such is life.
With that we take a look back at the past seven days at some of the dumbassery that infects the world around us.
- Fat Guy Sues White Castle – This is a touching tale of one man’s love of White Castle burgers but an extreme dislike of the chairs in their restaurants that are too small for his hot air balloon sized ass.
- Dumbass Newspaper Headlines – One of our more popular features on Dumbass News. This post doesn’t disappoint.
- One Legged Man Attacked by Dumbass With Cucumber Salad – I don’t know which is more dumbass – attacking a handicapped man or using a cucumber salad as the weapon of choice. I give my advice here.
You can rest assured that more dumbassery lay ahead, as there are a seemingly endless supply of dumbass that breathe our collective air. I shall expose them for exactly what they are…