|The “Dumbass News” Christmas Tree
It’s that time of year already. I’m talking about the end of college football season. Oh yeah…there is something called Christmas (?), a minor event when compared to college football, to be sure, but some dumbasses fall for that stuff hook, line and sinker, but what can I say? Hundreds of millions of Americans, including many folks in the 9% of the working population not working, will go further into debt thus putting themselves so far in debt, they’ll need a telescope and a compass to find their way out. But! Little Susie has just gotta have that Hannah Montana Dress Like a Pre-Teen Hooker Set with 6-inch stilettos, edible g-string and “Party in the USA” (sung by Hannah, of course) glow-in-the -dark condom, which the little bimbos won’t use anyway, therefore creating more pressure on the etitlement programs in this country….Sorry. I lost my mind just for a moment. And let’s not forget Little Lance, the school sissy who gets his ass kicked by every girl in school. For Christmas he wants the Professor Death Do-it-Yourself Anthrax Kit. Why would the School Sissy want such a potentially dangerous toy? Because he’s the School Sissy, you Dumbass! The little bastard wants revenge on all the other punks, especially those yucky old girls, who have slapped him around like a tennis ball for the last six years. And what a better way to reap revenge than to spread a toxic chemical all over the place so your tormentors can suffer an excruciatingly painful demise, with eyes bleeding like rancid ketchup oozing out of a leaky plastic bottle? All in all, there’s no better way to say “Merry Christmas” than with young hookers-to-be and a maniacal, butt hurt sissy boy?
Posts of Christmas Past
slogged sauntered my way through the cesspool treasure trove that is the Dumbass News archives and come up with some of the most touching and heart-rending stories that I have ever had the pleasure to come across and had the honor to publish on this very blog. I’m sure that you’ll find them inspirational as well. (as long as you have a fifth of Jack Daniels and a few Xanax at your disposal)
- This story – brings a tear to my eye every time I even think about it. It was here that the staff (me) of Dumbass News first discovered the miracle that is our adopted felon, Leon. Leon is from Waco. Like David Koresh. Coincidence? Prolly not.
- Beer, Bonga & Hookers! – Need I say more?
- I’d like to be the guy with this job. Some dumbass took a survey and found that men’s paramours get better Christmas gifts than their wives. Why do I get a feeling that the divorce rate went up 30%? about the time this survey was taken? Many gazebos were lost.
I think these three Posts of Christmas Past will give you that
nauseous warm, fuzzy feeling that you’ve come to expect from Dumbass News. Or that could be the Jack and Xanax.