Category: Happy Birthday

Dumbass Birthday Extravaganza!

Yesterday was the Youngest Daughter’s (her name is Bailey) sixth birthday! We will be celebrating the Big Birthday Extravaganza today with a few of her friends and a couple of family members.

One of those family members is not my Mother-in-law.  The Old Battle Axe lives about 200 miles from us so she can’t make it.

Good.

While we will rock the Dumbass Dome with the ear-splitting squeals joyful noises from Satan’s Spawn Times Ten a group of Bailey’s buddies, the MIL will be in the Easternmost City in the United States of America (Eastport, Maine) wearing her tall, pointy black hat and and robe, practically cradling her boiling cauldron, chanting some ghoulish gibberish and systematically adding bat’s wings and eye of newt to her gurgling Witch’s Brew. MIL calls this ritual “Saturday”.

Oh, yeah…Happy Birthday, Bailey! I love you!

Best of Dumbass News

I wrote this post a couple of years ago and I rerun it about once a year at this time of year. Why? Because today is my Monster Mother in Law’s birthday. For her and those who love her, and I ain’t one of ’em, it’s a day of celebration and joy. For me? Not so much. I guess I could look on the positive side of things and say to myself, “Fearless Leader, at least the old bat is one day closer to being on the other side of the dirt”, but there’s just no cheering me up on a day like today.

What Should Be a Happy Day, Ain’t

A couple of days ago I wrote about impending doom a much overdue visit from my Mother-in-Law. As it turns out, there is a God!!!!, she had to postpone her trip by the Grace of The Almighty  due to car trouble. This turn of events caused  me to do cartwheels my wife great sadness and despair. I thought I was safe from all that is evil and wrong with the world. I.Was.Wrong. My weekend of sloth and gluttony has turned into The Weekend From Hell. I know you married guys are wondering, “How could a nice weekend of sloth and gluttony turn into a weekend from hell, when your Mother-in-Law is 200 miles away having car trouble and can’t come to torture and degrade you visit?” Let me ‘splain.

It Gets Worse

Although I’m happier than a stoned fat kid at a McDonald’s all you can eat buffet saddened my M-I-L can’t make it, a fate worse than paying alimony to an ex-wife that married a plastic surgeon has befallen me. I.Have.To.Go.Back.To.School.Shopping.! But wait! There’s more! I am (or should be) committed… to attend a baby shower! Don’t get me wrong, as a father of four (ages 3-31, God help me), I love kids, I really do (especially with a little salt and mustard….rimshot). But, less than a month before my 54th birthday, I thought my days of going to baby showers were over! At least until my own daughters had babies. But my wife threatened me with unspeakable acts of violence asked me nicely to go, so I said OK.

Upon further review, I never thought I’d miss my Mother-in-Law, but I do.

The Truth

I really love my Mom in Law. She’s a great lady and I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for her. She’s a keeper.

Today is Teena’s birthday and this is my own “special” way of telling her Happy Birthday, you old bitty. I just made the “old bitty” part up. Have a great day Teena….even if it means you are one day closer to the other side of the dirt.

Ma.

Dumbass.

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Happy Birthday, Dumbass News!!!

It was two years ago today that I found a story about a dumbass bitch who gave her long-time boyfriend “permission” to go bag some other skank for one night only. I blogged about it,. Thus, the humble beginnings of Dumbass News. And I haven’t looked back.

On that day two years ago I started  Dumbass News just to have something to do. It was at that time that my Doctor told me I’d have to retire due to some health concerns and some mental illness issues that have been visited upon me. I have more letters followed by the words “disorder” or “syndrome” than a can of Campbell’s Alpha Bet Soup. But, I digress.

On September 19, 2010 when I wrote an introductory post announcing the “Grand Opening” of Dumbass News, I thought I’d have a few readers amongst family and friends around the country. I got them OK and several hundred a day more on a good day. Talk about being humbled. I have been slapped down and called “Shorty”.

A Few Quick Facts About Dumbass News

  • Dumbass News is my first attempt at blogging.
  • I love this blog like it’s one of my kids, which considering I personally write all the stories (except for the very occasional Guest Post). Anything that you write yourself, no matter how stoopid or brilliant, or in my case case, brilliantly stoopid, is like a new family member to a writing person.
  • I have posted over 700 (seven hundred!) stories on Dumbass News.
  • Yes, there really is a Mrs. Fearless Leader. She has been with me through thick and thin for almost eight years, which proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that she is a Dumbass. And deservedly so. I love her.
  • Here’s a factoid people have a hard time swallowing: I turned 56 years old a few days ago and yes, I have children ranging in age from 5 years old to 33 years old. They are my children. I helped make them. Even though two Mrs. Fearless Leaders did the heavy lifting. A few of my grandkids are older than my youngest children. So there.
  • Dumbass News has been read by Dumbasses in 144 Countries around the world.
  • By the end of today, Dumbass News will have been viewed more than 88,000 times. That averages out to more than 3667 per month or 267 per day. Considering how slow things were in The Beginning, that ain’t too bad for a one Dumbass operation. Nowadays, I average between 8000 and 10,000 page views per month.
  • I still make fun of anybody but my Mom, the Pope or Billy Graham.
  • I absolutely love doing this shit.

I think I’ll make this a “Mini Series” of sorts by listing some of my personal favorite stories and the stories that you, the Dumbass Horde, have endured. made the most popular during the last couple of years. So, over the next two or three days, I shall regale you with some Dumbass Blasts from the Past. If you have a favorite, drop me a note in the comments or send me an email to realdumbassnews AT gmail DOT com and I’ll include it on the “Greatest Dumbass Hits” play list.

It’s ready made subject matter, what do you expect from a Fearless Leader?

Gratitude

I wish I could personally thank the tens of thousands of you who have visited Dumbass News over the past two years but that means I’d have to shake your hands and God knows where those hands have been.

Dumbasses.