I am about to tell you something that happens only to a tried and true Dumbass. I had to re-schedule a pre-surgery assessment appointment for tomorrow. So what, you say. It’s not that I had to re-schedule the damn thing, it’s the reson WHY I had to do so. I. Am. Sicker. Than. Shit. Too sick to go to the Doctor. How messed up is that? It should, however, reinforce the fact that I am a Dumbass of such magnitude, I am deserving of the title and responsibilities of being the “Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde”. I not only preach the Dumbass Lifestyle, I live it as well, ever leading by example, encouraging the masses, etc,etc,etc…
I’ll get back to posting some new stuff ASAP. In the meantime….
Something we haven’t done in a while is Dumbass Newspaper Headlines, so I figured today would be a good day to do them. My source is littlecalamity.tripod.com and they do not specify from which newspaper these headlines come, so I have no way of giving credit where credit is due. I shall, however,
steal use them and make the funny.
- 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves – God knows what they would have won if they had thunder thighs
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft – Note to astronaut: No red beans and cornbread just before next liftoff. I’m just sayin’.
- Big Ugly Woman Wins Beauty Pageant (Newspaper in town of Big Ugly, WV) – Good thing the town ain’t named Big Ass.
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case- And I thought an 8 x 12 foot cell was small.
- Include your Children When Baking Cookies- Children add texture to the cookies.
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant- That’s one way to save on court costs.
- Lack of brains hinders research – Must be the same dumbasses who believe in global warming.
- Miners Refuse to Work After Death – That’s a very effective retirement plan.
- Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped – And from what I understand, she likes it too.
There ya go. Those are just a few of the headlines from bird cage liners from all around the country. You can now understand why print newspapers are going out of business faster than shit through a goose. That leaves us with only one thing to say.
It’s the weekend and time for some fun, so let’s traverse the country east to west and north to south in search of stupid newspaper headlines! And where else on God’s Green Earth can you find more stupid shit than on Dumbass News? Nowhere, that’s where? In that Good Ole Dumbass Tradition, let’s get to those headlines from Hell! Remember, these are actual newspaper headlines from actual newspapers in the actual USA.
Headline: 5th-Graders Get to Grill Lions (Detroit Free Press, Friday Jan 27, 2006)
DN: I hear it tastes like chicken.
Headline: Autos killing 110 a Day; Let’s Resolve to do Better
DN: Hell yeah! Bring on a big, gas guzzlin’ Hummer or something and get to frakkin’ mowing down some people! Dumbasses.
Headline: Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad she Hasn’t Seen in Years
DN: What would the headline be if she was deaf? “Deaf Woman Gets Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Heard from in Years”? Maroons.
Headline: Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
DN: No shit, Sherlock! Rot in Hell. Dumbass.
Headline: Dr. Ruth to Talk about Sex with Newspaper Editors
DN: When told of this little encounter, the editors said, “What???!!!”
Headline: Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
DN: In Oklahoma, that’s called “Tough Love”. I’m just sayin’.
And last but not least…
Headline: Juvenile Court Tries Shooting Defendant
DN: In Texas, that’s called “Tough Love”.
It’s so comforting to know that we have the best and brightest from the most prestigious journalism schools in the United States manning our press these days. I could go to the local high school (Go Rams!) and pick out ten kids at random to put out a better product than the Liberal dickweeds running newspapers today. Dumbasses.