|Has Anybody Seen Grandma?|
Have you ever seen that TV show “Hoarders”? Each episode features some dumbass who has a serious problem disposing of stuff he/she has in his/her home and just keep stockpiling junk until the inside of his house looks like an indoor land fill. The squalor these people live in is frakkin’ disgusting. Some crazy people doctors say that hoarders suffer from some sort of mental disorder. I say these doctors are correct. Hoarders are fucking nuts.
I think the word “hoarder” comes from the Greek inhalusadhesivusalotis which translates to “I sniffed too much model airplane glue and now I am almost as smart as an amoeba”. Keep in mind that this is a rough translation.
When you saw the title for this portion of today’s story, you probably interpreted it as “a Mom who hoards”. You would be wrong. It means “hoarding Mom” as in “that dumbass broad is hoarding her Mom, who died in 1994.” This is a significant milestone in the art of hoarding, with many layers of inter-generational dumbassery involved. Let me splain.
You see, the dead lady was a hoarder. When she went to that big House Whose Inside Looks Like a Landfill in the sky in 1994, she was hoarded by her daughter, Bobbie, who was also a hoarder. The daughter later died but before she said the Big Adios, she told her daughter, Rebecca, about Grandma. Bobbie told Rebecca that the family couldn’t afford to ship Grandma to her home state of Alabama for burial, so she (Bobbie) put Grandma in a storage facility! Yes! Like a U-haul storage facility where it appears she has been kept since her death in 1994! The cherry on top of this Dumbass Sundae is that the daughter/grand daughter, Rebecca, has known since last year that Granny was entombed, as it were, in the storage unit! My guess is that chunckin’ a dead family matriarch into a storage bin is the Redneck equivalent of an Egyptian pyramid. I’m just sayin’.
Sworn to Secrecy
Rebecca said nothing about Grandma being in storage because she was sworn to secrecy by her Mother. That and being eat up with the Dumbass. You gotta give this dumbass bimbo credit where credit is due though. As she had promised her Mom, she kept her mouth shut about their little secret. Her lips were sealed so tight you couldn’t drive a straight pin between ’em with a jackhammer.
You wanna know how it was found out where Grandma was? The rent on the storage thing was left unpaid for long enough that its contents were set to be auctioned off! Just think about it, if Bobbie and Rebecca had only thought this thing through, their story could have been told on Hoarders. And Granny could have been a star on another reality TV show, Storage Wars.