I went to the doctor yesterday and got some not-so-good news. It’s not that bad. I ain’t gonna die. Dumbass. Doctor B did tell me, however, that due to some health concerns I can not go back to work at a “normal” job until I hit the Big Dumbass House in the Sky. So, you are stuck with me. bwahahahahaha! That means that this blog is the only source of income I have. You know what that means? It means that you need to hit the “Donate” button on the top right of the page. If only the longtime readers of Dumbass News gave $5 a month, that would be of tremendous help. Remember, I have two little girls (4 & 9) and a wife to support. I am a little bummed out, but when dealt lemons, make lemonade. And you dumbasses are my lemonade. (I am fucked) Thanks, y’all. I ask not for your sympathy, just your money.
I am actually writing this on Monday night because this whole mess still hasn’t soaked in yet. After 40+ years of working my ass off….just hit the damn “Donate” button. Dumbass. And I say that with love. Here’s the good stuff:
In late September, I wrote about a guy who got his jollies by diving for doo doo. At the time, I was certain that we would not encounter another story having to do with port-a-potties for quite a while. What the hell was I thinking? Along comes this dumbass in New Jersey to prove me wrong.
Here’s the poop, I mean scoop. Unlike the doo doo diver guy who was sober as a judge, this time our dumbass was lit like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. From what I can gather, the 61 year old dumbass in today’s story was simply using the port-a-potty to take a leak and somehow got locked in the toilet. He said he tried banging on the john’s door and screaming real loud, but there was no response to his plea for help. So, like any drunk worth his weight in Budweiser, the dumbass went to sleep in the port-a-potty. How a guy could sleep in a portable can is beyond me, but this guy must have been really plastered. When he woke up he again began to make a lot of noise, which is what all New Jersey drunks do after they spend the night in a port-o-let. After all, the liquor stores open at 9am and this dumbass was thirsty for breakfast and in a large hurry. As a former Professional Drinker, I can relate to his wanting to get to the beer store, but I fail to muster up any sympathy for doing something as dumbass as passing out in a portable john, when I’m sure there are plenty of perfectly good bridges nearby that would make swell places to sleep…if you’re a drunk dumbass.
Even though he was late getting to the beer store, our dumbass, whose name was not released (no shit?), was finally freed from his Port-a-Prison, then taken to a local hospital where he was deemed OK to return to being a Dumbass Wino. A spokesdumbass for the township told the press, “No one has ever heard of anything like this happening here.” Who the hell does he think he’s fooling with that bullshit? This New Jersey for God’s sake and you guys call incidents like this one, Friday night!
This story does have a valuable lesson for us all. Let’s hear it straight from the mouth of police Lt. Christopher Brignola, “We are instructing our employees that from now on they are supposed to open the door and look inside before padlocking it.” Be sure to knock first. You never know when you’ll intrude on a sleeping dumbass in a portable toilet.