|Pucky the Whale – Jack Wagon Mascot|
Hockey is a great game, even for a Redneck from Texas. I remember when I was in my early teens, my Mom took me to a Dallas Blackhawks game at the State Fair Ice Arena (I think). The ‘Hawks were a minor league affiliate of the Chicago Blackhawks of the NHL. I fell in love with the game right then and there. The action was non-stop, the sounds of the game were hypnotic, the sound of the skate blades on the ice, the sound of hockey sticks smacking into each other and the fights. Man, the fights! Oh! And the fans! They were nuts. I think that you have to be a little off-kilter to really get into hockey. Maybe that’s why I like it so much. Case in point: me.
It appears that I’m not the only dumbass that likes hockey as today’s story will show.
Hartford, Connecticut has a minor league hockey team named the Whalers. The team’s fans are boisterous, loud and drunk. At least one fan was drunk. And a dumbass. That’s a dumbass combination when you’re at a hockey where there may be other drunk fans, like the buddies you went to the game with. I feel the dumbassery in this story. The Whalers were doing hockey battle with a team from Moose Turd, Saskatchewan, Canada when the drunk dumbass made a bet with his drunk dumbass buddies. he bet the drunk dumbasses that he could be the biggest drunk dumbass in Hartford on this particular night. And he won the bet by attacking the team’s mascot!!! You gotta admit that’s a pretty dumbass thing to do. Interrupting a sporting event always puts the police and team security personnel in a bad mood. The drunk guy, Kevin, tackled the Whalers’ mascot and started punching him. I would normally not condone this sort of behavior, but I do have a tiny amount of sympathy for Kevin. Why? I’ll tell you why. the Whalers’ team mascot is named “Pucky the Whale”. Are. You. Kidding. Me? that’s the best they could do? Frakkin’ Pucky the Whale? This is why I don’t slam Kevin the Drunk Fan as hard as I might otherwise. Hell, with a name like Pucky the Whale, the mascot deserved to have his ass kicked. This is hockey for God’s sake, not volleyball or some other sissy sport. The stupid mascot should have a name like Gus or Puck U, something that sounds like a hockey guy’s name. Pucky indeed. Whoever is responsible for that name should be cross-checked at center ice for an hour. Or better yet, hang a little target in front of his gazebos and let the biggest, baddest penalty shot guy on the team play a game of “Bull’s Eye Over the Mascot’s Gazebos”. It’s the only way to protect the integrity of mascots at all levels of hockey!
I’m not sure that I have ever switched from one dumbass to another one in the middle of the column, but today’s switcheroo was the only way to bring attention not to the behavior of drunk fans, but team mascots with fucking sissy jack wagon names! It looks like I owe Kevin a beer.