There are times when even the greatest country in the history of Mankind, the United States, can look to its overseas brethren for guidance and inspiration.
Granted these time are extremely rare, because the rest of the world is completely off its collective nut (as a whole), and generally has little to offer us in the way of making our lives better. Is that a Snobbish American Dumbass Attitude? Maybe. Is it the truth? Definitely. Sorry, Other Countries of the World.
In one case Italy is our Beacon of Hope. The lighthouse in the distance after weeks in a stormy sea. The shining city at the top of the hill. The…oh, hell, you get the idea.
The Background Story
Some Eye-talian guy named Giancarlo ( a nom de phone john) was charged with the Eye-talian equivalent of solicitation of prostitution not for offering money to a hooker for sexual favors, but for paying a phone sex pro to talk dirty to and, presumably, give a jolly to a business client!
If this is indeed the case, then AOL is, or was, the biggest hooker solicitor in the history of the world. After all, ten of millions of people used to pay AOL for services that eventually led to phone sex, if what I have read is true. AOL executives had to have some idea that this sort of lewd and lascivious behavior was taking place, right? They are (were), by its very definition, procurers of prostitutes!
|Eye-talian Supreme Court|
The Court Ruling
This travesty in the name of Justice was rightly appealed time and again, finally reaching the Eye-talian Supreme Court. The High Court ruled for Giancarlo saying, “Verbally servicing an interlocutor for the purpose of sexual excitement does not constitute a sexual service, if it does not involve the bodily erogenous zones of the person who is getting paid for such a service.” In other words in this case, if the “service provider” does not physically touch the pee pee of the “service seeker”, then it ain’t prostitution.
If such an act were considered an act of prostitution, then what would the act of willingly driving nekkid and duct taped through a major US city for sexual gratification be considered? Organ-ized crime? (“organ”-ized. hahahahaha)
Keep Phone Sex Legal and Safe
The United States of America should and must be at the forefront in the fight to keep phone sex safe and legal. I mean, many Americans are standing up for other things that are considered out of the ordinary to the mainstream of society. Like homos getting “married”. Single people adopting children. Homos adopting children! Homos adopting single people!
If phone sex is criminalized what will be next? Playboy Magazine? Penthouse? National Geographic?
I don’t give a damn about phone sex as long as the participants are consenting adults and no children or small animals are involved in their “conversations”. As I see it, no harm, no foul (generally speaking). I only care about phone sex on the occasional Saturday night when Mrs. Fearless Leader and I play “A T & T”, if you know what I mean and I think you do. I especially enjoy the “Caller I.D.” part of our little game. 🙂 But, I digress.
This is just another example of why Europe is a cess pool of Socialism – the gubmint getting involved in even the tiniest part of our private lives. This also is a prime example of why the US should stay away from the policies of people (see Obama, Barry) that tend to micromanage our very existence.
Let me put it this way, the Eye-talian Gubmint, which the 4 billionth Eye-talian Gubmint since the end of the Big One, WW2, spent countless millions of dollars prosecuting a guy for setting up a phone sex deal for a business client while their economy crumbles like an Oreo in the hands of a fat kid. This makes perfect sense to me. <—That’s molasses-thick sarcasm there, folks.
Now if we could just get Liberals and homos to join the cause of smaller and less intrusive gubmint, then some of the things they actually believe in (both of them!) might come to fruition.
I think we stand a better chance of getting Socialism and all its glorious failure out of Europe.
What was I thinking?
Congratulations to the U.S. are in order as a new study has found that one third of young adults have been arrested. This means an elderly person at a crosswalk has a better chance of being pushed into an oncoming vehicle than having a young person help them across the street. Whatever happened to the Boy Scouts anyway? Oh, that’s right they are being sued for discrimination by the ACLU.
It may be my imagination, but I believe our countries legal and moral compass is upside down. Homeowners are upside down on their mortgages. In fact my home is so far underwater I had to take out drought insurance. The Government is upside down in it’s finances. As a result N.A.S.A has been gutted, and will be replaced by skyrocketing debt instead. Traditional marriage is upside down, and Barney Frank has married his gay lover James Ready. I’m sure that if God wanted men to marry each other he would have placed Bartholin’s glands in their anuses. As an important side note I do not hate gays. In fact I even sent Barney and James matching his and his bathrobes as a wedding present. Mazeltov!
I’m not sure I even know what is what is right and what is wrong anymore. Recently I noticed a man molesting a child at the airport, and beat him senseless. I was arrested for assaulting a federal officer, and the judge told me the officers actions were necessary to protect us from terrorists. Huh? If that’s the case Jerry Sandusky should be promoted to lead Seal Team 6. My court appointed lawyer tells me I might avoid a long incarceration because of my low I.Q. I certainly hope so. My cellmate wants to marry me, and I don’t have a thing to wear.
Thanks for a great post, Beef! All you Dumbasses can catch Beef at his own place every day. As you can see, he’s a funny guy and he is certainly a Dumbass.
Today’s story is about homos and it doesn’t even take place in San Francisco where the homo lifestyle (WARNING! GRAPHIC HOMO CONTENT AT LINK!) is prevalent and it’s no big deal. As a matter of fact, I don’t have a problem with gay people doing whatever it is that homos do. What two consenting adults do
to each other’s behind closed doors is nobody’s bidness just as long as no children or animals are involved. It’s just that sometimes, like at the link above, homos don’t keep their hiney humping in the privacy of their homes. Now that’s a problem. Same with straight people. Keep all the he-in’ and she-in’ inside. Dumbasses.
Former Celebrity Cruise Lines Waitresses
Homos On the High Seas
Celebrity Cruise Lines recently offered an excursion on the blue waters of the Caribbean exclusively for gay people. Even The Precious People like to gather with like minded folks and just hang out and have a good time while escaping the pressures of every day life. That’s all fine and dandy. But, just like other groups of like minded people, be they Republicans, Democrats, Black, Meskin, hell pick a group, there are gonna be homos who do stoopid shit and give the whole damn lot of them a bad name. This is one of those cases.
The word “buggery” is often used interchangeably with the word “sodomy”, commonly known as “pumping the poop chute”. In some countries this type of activity is illegal. Dominica is one of those places. And guess where the “Fag Flotilla” had a scheduled docking during this cruise? Yep. Dominica. Why a ship full of homosexuals would dock where, by the very definition of being a homo having relations with a person of the same sex, is a mystery to me. But….
Dominican Police boarded the ship and arrested a couple of sissies on suspicion of indecent exposure and buggery. In other words, these two dudes were busted for allegedly having butt sects and could face a fine and/or six months in jail! This sentence seems pretty damn harsh to me, but if the two homos were actually doing the nasty in a public setting, say such as a cruise ship with 2000 other fairies on board, then they have put themselves in a position (no pun intended) where they must face the consequences of their, er, um, “actions”.
Here’s an excerpt of the article found on the HuffingWeeniesTon Post,
“The pastor of Dominica’s Trinity Baptist Church, Randy Rodney, praised the police for their intervention. “I am very pleased that the police were called in and have arrested the people in question. I have warned about gay tourism and its implications for Dominica,” said Rodney, who is a vocal critic of homosexuality and lesbianism.
The presence of gay cruises in the Caribbean has riled several conservative islands including Jamaica and Grenada, where anti-sodomy laws are enforced with strong backing from religious groups.
According to Cruisemates.com, no gay cruise lines sail to Jamaica or Barbados for fear of homophobia and possible violence. It said other places like the U.S. Virgin Islands welcome gay cruises.
In 2010, the Cayman Islands rejected the arrival of an Atlantis gay cruise amid protests from religious groups even though homosexuality is legal on the archipelago.
Don Weiner ( ed. – a guy named “Weiner” working for a homo cruise lines! Now that’s funny!!!), a spokesman for Atlantic Events, referred all questions to Campbell, including why the company organized a trip to Dominica and whether it knew about the island’s anti-sodomy laws.
Elizabeth Jakeway, a spokeswoman for Celebrity Cruises, referred all questions to Atlantis.
What was Celebrity Thinking?
|Celebrity Cruise Lines CEO Company Profile Image|
I’m with the guy who asked the cruise lineswhy in the hell would they take a boat load of queers to a country where queers could be endangered simply for the fact that they (the queers) are gay? Let me ask you this: Would you send Spike Lee and a plane load of other black asswipes like Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton to a Ku Klux Klan meeting in Mississippi? I didn’t think so. Instead of a big ding a ling, the people at Celebrity Cruise Lines have their heads up their collectives ass.
Still, if the two busted Rump Rangers are guilty of what they are accused of, then they might want to learn the duties of a Big House Bitch in a Dominican prison. After all, luck favors a prepared mind. I’m just sayin’.
I honestly hope that the two men who were arrested are released without further ado and safely returned home to their friends and family. I also sincerely wish that the People in Charge of Spying on Homo Activities in the Dominican will step forward and expedite the men’s return to the United States. I mena, what the couple is accused of doing in public is certainly out of bounds, getting thrown into a dark dungeon in a foreign prison is a bit harsh if you ask me. Unless these two guys like the whole “Slay the ‘Dragon’ With Your Beefy Sword'” scenario.But that’s another “Fairy Tale” for another gay cruise.
|100% Dumbass News Approved***|
We are already one full week into 2012 and things around Dumbass News keep getting better and better, thanks to you, the Dumbasses of the World in 121 Dumbass Nations. I like the sound of that, Dumbass Nations. Has sort of a “band of brothers” feel to it. I am honored to be your Fearless Dumbass Leader, the Duke of Dumbass the Head Dumbass in Charge, the…OK, that’s enough of that.
Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment.
Anyway, 2012 is shaping up to be by far, the best year ever for this blog and I am excited as a Dumbass Hobo in a likker store with a pocket full of cheese. For those of you in San Francisco, “cheese” is not what you guys find in your dirty Fruit of the Looms, it means “money” ya frakkin’ idjits. Speaking of cash flow, mine has slowed down to an ebb and your generous Dumbass Donation can be made through PayPal by clicking on the “Donate” button in the right sidebar. Any such gifts would be greatly appreciated. Dumbasses. 🙂
The 1st Week of 2012
We left 2011 behind in grand style as we paid homage to the best dumbasses last year had to offer. The explosion of dumbassery carried over into the New Year with the first few dumbasses of 2012.
So, let’s hop into the Dumbass Wayback Machine and take a look at this past week of the best dumbass news stories found anywhere in the World Wide Web.
The 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Awards
For a complete look at the various “You Big Dummy” Award nominees and the winners in the different categories click this link. (After reading the story, scroll down below the post and look for “Newer Posts”, click there on every page and that will lead you to next Award Presentation. Just keep going until you get to the “You Big Dummy” winner)
The Oscars, Grammys and all those fake awards have nothing on the “Dummies”. Hey, we take this shit seriously, unlike those pussies at the other award shows. Our Dumbass of the Year candidates are selected and awarded based on the merits of their dumbassery. No politics involved. Unless it tweaks the Fwench and the homos and non-homos of San Francisco. I hate the Fwench and the jizz dumpsters in San Fran.
- Starting 2012 with a Threefer Dumbass Bonus! The three “Curious” Old Bastards in this story scream for the manly affections of the Twinkletoes Crowd in S.F. Truly sickening and truly dumbass. Ya gotta love it.
- The Pistola in Starbucks – Dumbass chick takes loaded gun to coffee shop. Gun discharges. Criminal procedures ensue.
- I’ll Take “I Got Fined $200 Large for Keeping Chickens in My Yard Because the City is Run By Bigots”, Alex – This one is a riot. The Dumbass in this tale of woe claims he is being singled out by City Officials because he is of Moroccan-Syrian extract. Did I mention that he is a Jew? To my knowledge, the fine dictators of Morocco and Syria would find great pleasure in BBQing this fucking idiot and using him for camel food simply because he is a Jew, and he claims prejudice in the F-L-A? I am almost 100% certain that the asshole is the only person of Arab heritage in Florida, so it must be bigotry. <—–That’s sarcasm, by the way. Read it and weep.
Now you can understand why I am so stoked about 2012. I am confident that the crop of Dumbasses in ’12 will be the Best Bunch Ever! Especially if they are butthurt Arabs, Fwench or homos in San Francissy. This year is gonna be great!
***See Copyright in Image***
|A Gay Old Time|
Fresh off the crowning of the 1st Annual Fred G. Sanford “You Big Dummy” Dumbass of the Year Award winner, we jump right into the search for the 2012 “You Big Dummy” recipient. And, brother, are we jumpin’ in!
Running a post like this one following an epic event like the FGSYBDDOTYA is at best a risky proposition. How does one come up with something that comes even close to such a monster? The monster that I, myself, created? What have I become? Dr. Dumbass-enstein? Lord, save me from my own genius!
What do you think? Will the Shakespearian quality of the preceding paragraph enhance my chances for winning a Pulitzer? I mean, the drama, the internal conflict within my soul, the inspiration from Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein! What more could the
dumbasses the fine members of the Pulitzer Committee want? But, I digress.
The Subject at Hand
Sorry, I lost my mind just for a moment. Anyway, today’s first story of 2012 features something that I don’t know whether to applaud or be appalled by. Let me splain.
Police in Fort Myers, Florida were conducting a sting operation hoping to find some guys committing acts of lewdness in public. The site of this clandestine operation was Bunche Beach. The law put some undercover male detectives on the beach where the lewd-idity occurred hoping to bust these naughty dumbasses. It didn’t take long before the cops got their men. Yes, I said male cops and men. Old men. A couple of them very old men. Old and very old as in 62, 73 and 82 years old. One is from New York, another from Illinois and the other guy is from Florida. So, what we have here is a national sample of some perverted old guys who have, in their Golden Years, have discovered how to be a homo, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
The reason these three senior citizen dumbasses were busted is because they approached the fuzz and showed them (the cops) their “concha shells” and “sand dollars”, ifykwimaityd. As I mentioned above, I don’t know whether to cheer these dirty old bastards on or wish them to rot in Hell. But the laws of the State of the F.L.A. say that the old fuckers are criminals and so it is.
As always, a few questions come to mind. These three dipshits are in The Sunshine State, right? Beaches, warm weather, half nekkid young women running around all over the place and so forth. In other words, there were plenty of chances for the old farts to flash their “manatees” at some good lookin’ babes. Why in God’s name would they want to exhibit their “buried treasures” to men? Are they just now discovering their inner homo? Or are they just “curious”?
Another thing, ain’t there any eligible, horny old rich women for these dumbasses to hit on? I’m fairly sure that many of the rich, old horny women in Fort Myers haven’t seen “conchas” and “sand dollars” in quite sometime and would be willing to play “hidden treasure” or “let me walk your plank, Sailor” at the drop of a hat.
I guess we’ll never know since our “wanna see my sand castle?” trio have probably gone incognito. Or to the pastel part of Miami.
Long time readers of Dumbass News know that nekkididity has been a staple subject of the blog since the beginning. Having said that, nekkidness is not gratuitously used for cheap thrills or anything like that. It is, however, as an excuse to put a photo of a nubile young woman on the same page as the accompanying post. Like this:
I refuse to objectify women or put them in a negative light on this blog! Unless it is necessary to the plot. And what could be more necessary to the plot than a hot babe using band aids as a swim suit? Nothing! That’s what! When I see the photo to the right, I, for some odd reason other than being a pig, do not see a school librarian. Unless she has been in one of those movies. Having watched those movies (for blog research purposes only), I can assure you that she is not in any of them. Much to my dismay.
Also much to my dismay, it is time for the crowning of the “winner” of the Dummy Award for the Best Use of Nekkididity While Being a Dumbass.
The nekkid dumbass nominees are…
Almost Nekkid Guy Who Breaks into a Cafe – This dumbass broke into the cafe in question and according to the Police, “He definitely had a shirt, a fleece vest and socks on,” but no pants, underwear or shoes — despite the subzero temperatures”. I think I’ve said enough.
Dinky the Dumbass; Nekkid Marathoner – This is part of what I wrote regarding Dinky last May: “… the nude dumbass, in all his glory was ordered by the heat to stop running and get into a squad car or he would be tased. He did not comply with this lawful order, so the local fuzz (pun intended) tasered the numb nuts (pun intended again). “Dinky”, as the crowd called him, (OK, I made that part up), immediately fell flat on his gazebos and the attendant appendage that accompanies a man’s gazebos. FYI, Dinky the Nekkid Dumbass was not a registered participant in the race. Not only did he expose his gazebos to all those in attendance, but he failed to pay the required entry fee for the marathon! This is unacceptable!”. What a dickweed.
Legal Public Nekkididoty in San Francissy – Nekkid. San Francisco. Legal. Bad mojo.
There really is no winner in this line up of dumbasses, so let me put things this way..the recipient of the Dummy for the Best Use of Nekkididity While Being a Dumbass is…
The nekkid homos* of San Francissy! They win a Dummy Award from an obscure but growing by leaps and bounds dumbass blog. I hope you Godless Liberals and Folsom Street homos (SEE LINK WARNING BELOW) in the City by the Bay are proud of yourselves. This is about the best anyone could say about you.
*I have nothing against homos. Except the perverted bastards who are homos in S.F.
****This link contains EXTREMELY Graphic Homo Material! CLICK AT YOUR OWN RISK!****