Category: Hooters

Suffocated By Sweater Puppies

Boobs. Knockers. Hooters. Hammers. Tits. Sweater puppies. Whatever we choose to call them, female mammary glands are a mainstay topic here at Dumbass News.

From the lingerie saleslady that was fired from her job because her heat seekers were too big to the stoopid broad who used her breast implants to smuggle cocaine, we’ve had a grip boobs news like no other web site in the world for almost two and a half years.

Despite the wide range and sheer volume of stories about ta-tas on this blog, new boobies stories come to our attention every day, none odder than the one we’ll cover today.

Assault Hooters

Deadly in the Wrong Hands

A couple (of people, not knockers) got into a domestic disturbance. This little confrontation was “lively” enough that concerned neighbors called the Law.

At some point in the argument the female half of the dueling duo pinned her male counterpart down to the ground and laid on top of him. Somehow, the guy’s face became buried between the woman’s boobs. 99% of the time this would be an enviable position for a guy, or a lezbean, to be in. Such was not the case in this instance. I’m sure that right now there is at least one Dumbass in each of the 154 countries that read Dumbass News wondering, “Since when is it a bad thing for a man to have his mug firmly ensconced twixt a set of sweater puppies?” That’s a fair question and there’s a reasonable explanation for it. The dude couldn’t breathe which lead to a condition known as DEATH! Smothered into the hereafter by boobs!

This story brings to mind the Dumbass who was cheating on his wife and kicked the bucket in mid hump of a threesome. I don’t think I’m going too far out on a limb when I say that many of the male Dumbasses reading this post would be more than happy to keel over chin to chest with a woman and her hammers or in a Dumbass a trois. All I can say about that is that you are some sick, twisted fuckers. In other words, my kind of people.

It comes as no surprise that, like several Dumbasses reading this, the Lady With the Assault Boobs was drunk at the time of the incident. I don’t know if the guy was drunk or not as he was unavailable for comment because he is DEAD! 

The woman was arrested and is facing 2nd degree murder charges.

Oh, yeah one more thing…this whole ordeal took place in a trailer park.

Figgers.

Dumbasses.

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Cyber Crime Solved by Online Pic of Boobs!

Have You Seen These Hooters?

Certain subject matter draws readers to this blog like a candy store brings in fat kids. If you were to go to the “Dumbass Search” feature located in the left side bar and typed in nekkid, tattoos or boobs, you would come up with the most popular posts this blog has put forth. I have written some outstanding articles dealing with other material, but nekkid, tattoos and boobs are hands down the favorite topics of the Dumbass Horde. I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. Hit up those three links and you’ll see exactly what kind of perverted Dumbasses I get reading my award-worthy filth. You can thank me later.

I am all for nekkididity and sweater puppies, but tattoos, not so much. So for today, boobs it is!

Positive I.D.

Usually when a crime is committed, the bad guy leaves behind some tell tale piece of evidence that leads directly to his identification. You know what I mean…a finger print for example. Some Dumbasses have even left behind their driver’s license at the scene of the dirty deed.

When a crime is committed in cyber space, stuff like an IP address will lead straight to the culprit. That is not always the case, however.

Allow me to elucidate. For those of you in Washington,DC, that means “let me splain”.

The Hacker

Down on the Sinkin’ Sandbar that is Galveston, Texas, is a Meskin Dumbass named Higinio Ochoa. Evidently, Higgy is pretty sharp when it comes to hacking into highly sensitive data bases like those of law enforcement agencies and he did just that to some cop shops Down Under. The Aussie Fuzz was not amused.

After much highly technical cyber sleuthing trying to locate the asswipe that compromised their not for public consumption data, the Australian authorities found their cyber way to an offshoot group of computer hackers affiliated with internet meanies “Anonymous”. this is where Ochoa come and a pair of knockers come in to play.

The Boobs Tell All

As much as I don’t like doing it, I must reproduce a goodly portion of the source article for this post that I found on c|net.com.

“Ochoa allegedly used a Twitter account to direct people to a Web site when all the law enforcement information he’d supposedly hacked was on display.
Also on display was a picture of a woman, her breasts lowering themselves tantalizingly toward the camera, with a sign beneath them reading: “”PwNd by w0rmer & CabinCr3w ❤ u BiTch’s”.
Now CabinCr3w is the apparent name of an Anonymous offshoot. And the “w0rmer” part? Well, the Twitter account linking people to the site was @AnonW0rmer.
However, the photograph of the breasts apparently linked authorities to Ochoa — because, taken with an iPhone, it contained GPS information. The information allegedly suggested she lived in Melbourne, Australia.
Further burrowing led the police to discover a posting on Ochoa’s Facebook page that allegedly revealed his girlfriend was Australian.
The claim is that police have managed to match pictures of her that Ochoa allegedly posted on Facebook to the breast image.”  

Amazing.

Astonished

I have heard of suspects being linked to crimes through DNA taken from cigarette butts, clues obtained from their curb side garbage and even tattoos. But I can say with 100% certainty, that, although I have seen several pair of nice, cuddly sweater puppies, I have never been able to identify a set of heat seeking missiles with nothing more than a cell phone camera photograph.

I am shocked and awed by the industriousness of the Australian cops in finding an exact match of the hooters in question on a small island in the Gulf of Mexico, a half world away. These guys are my new heroes.

I salute you.

As for Ochoa the Hacker, next time take a picture of your girlfriend’s pelvic area tattoo. If you’ve seen one muffin tattoo, you’ve seen ’em all. Unless the muffin is being chased down by the Wizards of Oz.

Dumbass.

Lady That Sells Lingerie Gets Fired for Having Big Boobs!

Replay of Dumbass News

If you have read Dumbass News for any period of time longer than about ten minutes, you know that I am against discrimination in any way, shape or form. Except when it’s necessary to the plot. Or against the Fwench. The Fwench deserve derision and scorn at every turn. But, I digress.

Discriminating against any person, except the Fwench of course, because of religion, race, national origin, creed, large hooters, etc. is a crime against humanity. Especially being discriminatory against a big rack.

Which brings us to today’s story.

The Bigguns in Question

Fired Because of Heat Seeking Missiles

Lauren Odes is a young woman from New Jersey who just happens to be shall we say, “well-endowed”. No, we shall not. We shall say that Lauren has very large knockers. It’s these females appendages that are the source of Ms. Odes’ problem.

Lauren was fired from her job because her heat seekers are too big. I know, this is the worst form of discrimination possible. Look at all the joy and comfort that titties have brought into the world since the time of Adam and Eve. Think about it. Babies had to have something to eat, right? Another example of boobs being of benefit to mankind, children specifically, is the story of the nice strippers who tried to help out a Los Angeles Little League Baseball team.

I guess I should now mention that Ms. Odes and her hammers worked for a sexy lingerie store! I thought the idea of sexy underwear for women was to show a female’s assets. Am I wrong?

Disturbing Questions

Question 1) What do the owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop “have against massive breastses?

Question 2) Note that is an important part of the story: The owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop” are Orthodox Jews. That is a pertinent fact of the story. Why? Because there is evidently a dress code of some sort for Orthodox Jewish wimmin and Lauren was expected to follow that dress code. She was given a bathrobe to cover her chestictular protrusions and felt insulted, so she went shopping to buy clothing that complied with the Orthodox Jewish Wimmin dress code. She was then notified on her cell phone that she had been relieved of her duties as an almost nekkid lady lingerie sales person. It is also essential to note that Lauren Odes is a Jew as well. Not Orthodox, but Jewish nonetheless. Now the question; what do the Orthodox Jews have against New Jersey-size hooters?

Question 3) If the bidness that Lauren worked for sold sexy lingerie, wouldn’t great big tits be a valuable sales tool? Tools?

Lauren Hires a Publicity Hound

I was gonna subtitle this section of the story “Lauren Hires a Publicity Whore”, but the publicity whore Lauren hired is Gloria Allred and Ms. Allred has no compunction about sueing a guy like me for calling her a publicity whore. So, I won’t call call G-Red a publicity whore in order to avoid any possible litigation. However! Gloria can not sue me for thinking that she is a publicity whore. Therefore, I think Gloria Allred is a publicity whore.

Ms. Allred, whom I think is a PR hooker whore, is an excellent choice in Lauren’s pursuit of Justice against the Orthodox Jewish guys who hate big bosoms and terminate female employees who are blessed with a substantial rack. Gloria Allred, when representing a wronged woman, is like a pit bull on a T-bone. Vicious and umstoppable.

As much as I think Ms. Allred is a publicity whore, I am actually on her side this time. She has taken up a case worthy of litigation and will be certainly prevail against the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Hate Big Boobs in a court of law. And deservedly so.

Good luck to Lauren and her heat seekers.

As for the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Dislike Bodacious Ta-tas…

Yutzis.

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to the Daily Mail for the Photo***

Chick w/Duct Taped Boobs Attacks 3 Cops!

Milestone: Some time yesterday morning Dumbass News topped the 100,000 page view barrier! One. Hundred. Thousand. That’s got a nice ring to it. I can’t begin to express my sincerest thanks to each of you for time and support. There were times when I wasn’t sure that we’d make it to a thousand, much less 100K.

I am humbled and grateful.

Thank you.

Fearless Leader

Best of Dumbass News

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain’t. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.

Enter the Duct Tape

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun!

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.

Female Lingerie Seller Fired for Having Bigguns

The Heat Seekers in Question

If you have read Dumbass News for any period of time longer than about ten minutes, you know that I am against discrimination in any way, shape or form. Except when it’s necessary to the plot. Or against the Fwench. The Fwench deserve derision and scorn at every turn. But, I digress.

Discriminating against any person, except the Fwench of course, because of religion, race, national origin, creed, large hooters, etc. is a crime against humanity. Especially being discriminatory against a big rack.

Which brings us to today’s story.

Fired Because of Heat Seeking Missiles

Lauren Odes is a young woman from New Jersey who just happens to be shall we say, “well-endowed”. No, we shall not. We shall say that Lauren has very large knockers. It’s these females appendages that are the source of Ms. Odes’ problem.

Lauren was fired from her job because her heat seekers are too big. I know, this is the worst form of discrimination possible. Look at all the joy and comfort that titties have brought into the world since the time of Adam and Eve. Think about it. Babies had to have something to eat, right? Another example of boobs being of benefit to mankind, children specifically, is the story of the nice strippers who tried to help out a Los Angeles Little League Baseball team.

I guess I should now mention that Ms. Odes and her hammers worked for a sexy lingerie store! I thought the idea of sexy underwear for women was to show a female’s assets. Am I wrong?

Disturbing Questions

Question 1) What do the owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop “have against massive breastses?

Question 2) Note that is an important part of the story: The owners of the “Almost Nekkid Lady Shop” are Orthodox Jews. That is a pertinent fact of the story. Why? Because there is evidently a dress code of some sort for Orthodox Jewish wimmin and Lauren was expected to follow that dress code. She was given a bathrobe to cover her chestictular protrusions and felt insulted, so she went shopping to buy clothing that complied with the Orthodox Jewish Wimmin dress code. She was then notified on her cell phone that she had been relieved of her duties as an almost nekkid lady lingerie sales person. It is also essential to note that Lauren Odes is a Jew also. Not Orthodox, but Jewish nonetheless. Now the question; what do the Orthodox Jews have against New Jersey-size hooters?

Question 3) If the bidness that Lauren worked for sold sexy lingerie, wouldn’t great big tits be a valuable sales tool? Tools?

Lauren Hires a Publicity Hound

I was gonna subtitle this section of the story “Lauren Hires a Publicity Whore”, but the publicity whore Lauren hired is Gloria Allred and Ms. Allred has no compunction about sueing a guy like me for calling her a publicity whore. So, I won’t call call G-Red a publicity whore in order to avoid any possible litigation. However! Gloria can not sue me for thinking that she is a publicity whore. Therefore, I think Gloria Allred is a publicity whore.

Ms. Allred, whom I think is a PR hooker whore, is an excellent choice in Lauren’s pursuit of Justice against the Orthodox Jewish guys who hate big bosoms and terminate female employees who are blessed with a substantial rack. Gloria Allred, when representing a wronged woman, is like a pit bull on a T-bone. Vicious and umstoppable.

As much as I think Ms. Allred is a publicity whore, I am actually on her side this time. She has taken up a case worthy of litigation and will be certainly prevail against the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Hate Big Boobs in a court of law. And deservedly so.

Good luck to Lauren and her heat seekers.

As for the Orthodox Jewish Guys Who Dislike Bodacious Ta-tas…


Yutzis. 

Dumbasses.

Chick w/ Duct Taped Boobs Beats Up Three Cops!

West Coast Fashion Accessory

You know, I am getting pretty damned fed up with this shit. “This shit” being that Dumbasses everywhere are giving Duct Tape bad PR. It all started back in March when a couple of nekkid Dumbasses decided to get their freak on then take a drive around Portland, Oregon. On that occasion Duct Tape was used to bind the Lady Dumbass up like she was being kidnapped. Now if the Lady Dumbass had a nice rack on her then this would not be Duct Tape Abuse, but this is Portland, Oregon we’re talking about here, so that is doubtful. How do I know? Have you ever seen pictures of the women in Portland who would drive around town nekkid with their hooters bound by Duct Tape? I rest my case.

Well, the demeaning of that most valuable of Redneck Tool Box Accessories continues out on the Left Coast. This time by a stripper wanna be from Seattle. As you know, Seattle is a veritable mother lode of Dumbasses and the Communist and Suicide Haven Because It’s Gray and Rainy A Lot Capital of the United States.

I. Ain’t. Happy.

A Night on the Town

A woman whose name we do not know but we’ll call “MoonBeam” had had enough of the Commie bullshit and rampant suicide going on in her town, so she decided that a night out would be a good thing.

MoonBeam got all painted up and dressed up for her big excursion into the night life of Seattle and headed to a local night club. This is mere conjecture on my part, but I think it will be borne out by the end of this story, upon arrival at the club, MoonBeam began to drink a copious amount of Mad Dog 20/20. Soon she was obviously drunk. I say that because at some point later in the evening, MoonBeam began to take off her clothes. While still inside the night club.


Enter the Duct Tape 

MoonBeam peeled off her shirt exposing her knockers then reached into her purse and pulled out some pink Duct Tape. At this point, she began to wrap the Duct Tape around her boobage when a club bartender and a female patron intervened and politely said, “Bitch, leave the club now!”, but not in those exact words.  MoonBeam would have none of this interference, so she proceeded to give the two interlopers an old fashion beat down.

The cops were called.

The cops get to the scene and MoonBeam, with her hammers firmly ensconced in pink Duct Tape, ran from them and tried to hide in the Ladies’ Room of a nearby KFC/Taco Bell joint. Now, if I am the cops and I’m looking around for a female suspect in the nearby KFC/Taco Bell, the Ladies’ Room would be a good place to check out. If there are no ladies with their tits wrapped in pink Duct Tape in there, you move on with the investigation. Alas, MoonBeam was in there and the police handcuffed her and led her out of the restaurant to the Police Cruiser.

MoonBeam was not amused.

More Fun! 

It was at this point that, according to the Law, MoonBeam “freaked out”. By “freaked out” I think the Seattle PD meant that MoonBeam kicked the shit out of three of Seattle’s Finest. Further, by “kicked the shit out of”, I mean one cop severed a tendon in one of his fingers, another suffered a slight concussion when MoonBeam gave him a round house kick to the skull and yet a third cop suffered a dislocated jaw!

There was no word whether the pink Duct Tape kept MoonBeam’s hammers in place, but inquiring minds want to know.

Regardless, MoonBeam and her boobies will now spend a large portion of the next decade as a guest of the State of Washington. After the ass kickin’ she gave the cops, it has yet to be determined whether she will do her time in a men’s or a women’s prison.  

Or! the State of Washington could send her to Portland, Oregon. I hear there’s a Duct Tape-loving couple there that is looking for a new friend.

Duct Tape not included.

Dumbass.

Killer Crack at Strip Joint

Deadly Weapon

The crack research staff here at Dumbass News is a dedicated group of Dumbasses who take their jobs very seriously. This crack research team consists of me. And Mrs. Fearless Leader. Even though we are called a crack research team, we do not research crack. Or cracks for that matter. We are not on crack either. But, we are a crack research team.

Mrs. Fearless Leader was doing some crack research (though not about crack) when she came upon a story that is as Dumbass worthy as any story can be. The story is about a man who died a crack death. that is to say, with a crack in his face. A butt crack. Mrs. Fearless Leader was not researching cracks when she found the story, the crack is, however, an integral part of the tale. (pun intended)

Remember: crack kills.

B.C. (Before Crack)

When most people die, it’s usually because of old age or disease. How-so-ever, some people die in ways that even Stephen King couldn’t come up with. I’m talking weird shit here.

Here’s a quick rundown of some of the strange ways in which the Grim Reaper paid a visit to some most unfortunate folks:

  • Two guys were out in the desert doing a little target practice on some Saguaro cactus. One of the guys took aim with his shotgun and BLAM! The dude put a very large hole in the 25 foot tall Saguaro. The hole was large enough that it left the cactus unable to support itself. Then gravity took over and it fell. On the guy. And killed him. Grave. Yard. Dead.
  • It was 1277 and Pope John XXI wanted a new laboratory, so he ordered one to be built. Now, you’d think that with a ton of money at his disposal, The Pontiff’s new lab would be made of the best and sturdiest of materials. I guess it wasn’t because it fell on him and soon the white smoke was coming from the Vatican chimney announcing his successor. R.I.P. Il Papa.
  • In 1911, Jack Daniel (yes that Jack Daniel) forgot the combination to his safe. He then threw a temper tantrum and ended up kicking the safe. Soon thereafter he was dead from blood poisoning. 

Which brings us to Robert Gene White.

Now…the Crack

Robert died in a very strange but almost envious manner.

You see, Robert was at the Red Parrot Club  (NSFW Linkage!) in El Paso, Texas when he bought the farm. Just in case you didn’t/couldn’t check out the link, the Red Parrot is a strip joint. Robert was there looking at perky young hooters when he thought it would be a good idea to get a lap dance. As it turned out it was a lousy idea to get a lap dance.

This is where the crack comes in to play.

Smack dab in the middle of this intimate encounter with a stripper’s butt Robert Gene White met his Maker. Keeled over right on the spot. Dead as a door nail. It appears that a massive coronary was the culprit. That must have been some ass on that stripper.

As a Former Professional Drinker and Friend to Strippers, I can honestly tell you that I have never heard of a guy having a fatal heart attack during a lap dance. I can tell you of times where fatal shootings and stabbings took place during a lap dance, but a heart attack? Not so much.

Questions Abound

As is the case with stuff like this, I have a question or two.

  • Is the stripper with the great ass guilty of a crime? Involuntary manslaughter caused by too much ass to the face, perhaps? Suffocation by hooters?
  • In instances like this, should strippers be required to know CPR or is giving a horny old bastard Vapor Lock just a hazard of the job?
  • Did she get to keep her tip?

According to the story, several members of the club’s staff tried to revive Robert but it was too late. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

With a big smile on his face.

Moral of the story?

Crack kills. And what a way to go.

.

Dumbass.