Category: Houston

Key West Guy Covers Self w/Ketchup In the Middle of Town to Protest Yankees!

We face a daunting dilemma in this country. The unemployment rate? No. Obamacare? Even worse.

“But Fearless Leader,” you plead, “what could be worse than the clusterfuck that is Obamacare or such a high jobless count?”

Well, ya Dumbass, I’ll tell you what kind of pickle the United States of America is in and the unnerving obstacle blocking our path that leads us back to the level of Freedom that our Founding Fathers envisioned for this country.

Tourism.

Yes, tourism.

Why Tourism?

Let me splain.

A Perfect Example

KEY WEST — The island just isn’t what it used to be.
The Key West Citizen reports that a  man who was covered in ketchup, sprawled in the middle of an Old Town  street and screaming profanities about tourists ruining his town was  arrested early Wednesday.
The 42-year-old homeless man was charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and misdemeanor resisting arrest.

See what I mean?

Look at the level of personal upheaval and inner turmoil, not to mention tomato ketchup, thrust upon this man, and possibly thousands more residents of Key West, simply because outsiders dare to visit and willingly spend ten millions of dollars each year in this island paradise. What. The. Fuck.

How dare tourists, the blight on mankind and the economy that they are, spend four bucks a gallon on gasoline to travel, often over 1000 miles, to Key West and while they are there spend another few grand on hotels, meals and “I Spent 5 Gs On This Trip to Key West and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt and An Up Close Look at Actual Hippie Pot Heads and Homos” t-shirts!

What’s Wrong With the People of Key West?

I can tell you in one word what the problem with the residents of the Southernmost Point in the Continental United States is: Yankees.

There! I said it!

Yankees have re-kindled the War of Northern Aggression. In a very subtle way. Yankees have infiltrated Florida! Hundreds of thousands of Yankees have left behind crummy Yankee state economies and outrageously high tax rates, not to mention winters that last for six months, and fled to sunny, warm, formerly Yankee-free locales like The Sunshine State. Here’s the kicker: once there, they try their dead level best to turn the place they immigrated to into a place like the hell hole that they left!

Yankees are sneaky like that.

It is for this reason that I believe the Ketchup Guy did what he did. It’s just that the newspapers in Key West are too pussified to lay bare the Truth. You see, in their version of this story the word “tourist” is a code word for “Yankee”, so it’s not the real tourists who are ruining Key West, it’s the Yankees! Amiright?

Moral of the Story

About forty years ago when Houston, Texas was in the middle of great economic prosperity, Yankees by the thousands moved to H-Town to escape Communist Regimes in places like Michigan. Houston had jobs and low taxes, Michigan had no jobs and high taxes. With this unprecedented influx of Northern Aggressors, Houston was forever transformed. Many Houstonians were not pleased.

Houston’s then-Mayor, Louie Welch, summed up the feelings of his town’s Native citizenry thusly: “Yankees are like hemorrhoids. If they come down and go back up, they’re OK. But if they come down and stay, they’re a pain in the ass.”

This is what’s happening in Key West and why some dipshit covered himself in ketchup and acted the fool. “Tourists” have invaded Paradise.

And in the case of Ketchup Guy, so have the Dumbasses.

***Hat Tip to Floridaduh.wordpress.com***

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Video Added! Sad "Dumbass News": King of Streaking to Retire His Birthday Suit

It’s a sad day in the World of Dumbassery.

The Most Prolific Streaker in the History of Nekkididity is retiring.

The Daily Mail has the nekkid truth.

Fare thee well.

Dumbass.

***Hat tip to @doubledittos on Twitter***

Strip Club Evacuation! Ugly Strippers First Out

Best of Dumbass News
As a Former Professional Drinker I can assure you that I contributed to the United States economy in ways that your Non-Professional Drinker does not.

For example, back before General Motors and Chrysler got themselves in a big jam, they owed to me a debt of gratitude, not to mention a new Corvette, for my contributions to their financial well being. Not all of their success but a great deal of it.

You may be asking yourself how could a solitary Fearless Leader be such a boon to the automotive industry in the United States? The answer? Strippers. I dropped enough money on lap dances to finance several dozen new cars. With extended warranties. I had the money to blow, so why not help out a stripper? It beats the hell out of giving to the nitwits who sell flowers on street corners. I’ll take knockers over flowers any day of the week.

Not So Good Places

Some of the Jiggle Joints I patronized were not what you’d call “gentlemen’s clubs”. Dives is more like it. I was going into to this one place in Houston one time with a couple of my buddies visiting from Dallas when there was a hail of gun fire right in front of the entrance to the place. Spooky indeed. So, what did we do? We went in. What did you expect? There were boobies waiting to be gawked at in there.

Fire! Or Not.

In the more “high class” strip clubs the props used by the dancers range from that well-known piece of exercise equipment known asthe “stripper pole” to ribbons and fog machines. Only the ugly stippers, however, used the fog machines. But even the most high-tech and foggiest of fog machines can not hide ugly. Take my word for it.

I did not pay for lap dances from ugly strippers. A nice rack can get a girl only so far with me. Ugly is a deal-breaker.

Smokin’

Down in Hotlanta, a group of Professional Drinkers and bidnessmen were sitting around looking at tatas and blowing their hard earned money at a strip joint when a thick smoke filled the room. Thicker and thicker the smoke became. “Fire!”, someone yelled. So the pro drinkers and the Guys Cheating on Their Expense Accounts were herded outside the club.

Enter the Fire Department. Unable to locate the blaze, one fireman bravely entering the “inferno”, struggling to see through the thick smoke when he finally came upon the source of the smoke.

You guessed it. A stripper fog machine!

It seems as if if one of the strippers forgot to turn off the fog machine after her routine and the smoke quickly filled up the entire titty bar! This ruins a good day of looking at nice racks rather quickly.

Preguntas (a little Meskin lingo there)

As usual, I have questions.

  • How could a stripper fog machine be making fog for a long enough period of time without being noticed until the whole club looked like downtown London?
  • Who was the Dumbas in charge of turning off the stripper fog machine? The stripper or some minimum wage bar back who was too drunk to remember to shut it off?
  • Why did this Strip Club hire an ugly stripper? Remember, only ugly stripper use fog machines.
  • Did the management of the club fire whoever screwed up all the boob ogling?
  • Is the ugly stripper still working there?
  • What happened to the stripper fog machine?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Dumbasses.

Dumbass Lady Shoots Husband Who Threatened Her Cat!

Today’s story is about animals.

I know many people who treat their pets, usually cats and dogs, as good as they treat their family members. My mother-in-law is like that. before he went to the Big You Ain’t Nuthin but a Hound Dawg Kennel in the Sky, Elvis (yes, named after that Elvis) the St. Bernard was the King (pun intended) of his castle. Teena the MIL loved Elvis almost as much as she loves her husband Donnie. I can’t say as I blame her though, Donnie is from Philadelphia. Enough said. Every night Teena would cook Elvis a meal for supper. He sat or laid on the couch at will unless Donnie was home, then Elvis had to share “his” couch with the male member of the household. He did so gladly because that’s just how Elvis rolled. I could go on, but you get the idea. Elvis was as much a member of the family as Donnie or Teena.

There’s not a thing wrong with treating animals like the family member they are, it’s just that some people like Teena go the extra mile in doing so. Again, hey, it ain’t my dog, so go for it. And good for Elvis. He was a good mutt.

Then there’s this lady in the Houston suburb of Spring, Texas.

Cat Lady

Cat Lover, Husband Shooter

By all appearances, Audrey Deen Miller looks like the Lady Next Door. It turns out that she is the Psycho Lady Next Door.

You see, Audrey and her husband (whose name isn’t mentioned in the source for this story) got into an argument. Somewhere during this altercation The Husband threatened to shoot one of Audrey’s cats with a pellet gun.

Audrey got mad. And when Audrey gets mad, she has the strength of a 2000 pound bull. Actually, Audrey was just strong enough to pick up a pistol and shoot her husband in the stomach for threatening to harm Audrey’s beloved feline.

I bet The Husband will choose his words a little more carefully next time. If there is a next time.

From the story on wfaa.com, Miller, an animal lover with several cats and dogs, pulled out a .40-caliber semiautomatic handgun and shot her husband in the stomach.
“The husband was trying to do something to the cat and the wife was just trying to protect her cat,” said Assistant Chief Mark Herman, Precinct 4.
Miller was arrested at the scene and her husband was transported to Ben Taub Hospital in stable condition.
The cat was not harmed.

Oh, Goody! Questions!

Before I start my own Dumbass Inquiry into this incident, let me put this forth. If the cat is a menace to polite society, then I am all for dispatching it into the Great Beyond. But only if the cat is a danger to human health or well being. Otherwise a good dropkick will do the trick.

My Probing Inquiry

  • Why would a guy want to piss off an obvious animal lover by threatening to shoot her cat?
  • Why would a Dumbass think it was a good idea to threaten to shoot the cat with a pellet gun, when the unhinged animal lover in the house has a real gun?
  • Why would these two dumb fucks get married to begin with?
  • Better yet, why would they stay married?
  • Audrey Deen Miller is a psychotic bitch who needs to be institutionalized.
  • The Husband is a complete mental midget.
  • The cat was not harmed.
  • What?

The cat was not harmed? Who gives a shit? A man was shot in the stomach with a .40 calibre hand gun here! Fuck. The. Cat! A. Man. Could. Have. Died.

By shooting her old man, Audrey probably sealed the fate of her cat and all other animals in her care. And it don’t look good for them. I don’t see The Husband wanting much to do with them. Hello, Humane Society, and possibly, The Domestic Pet Adios House.

Audrey is in jail and so are the poor animals she was in charge of. Except she will live through her ordeal, the critters may not.

Happy, Audrey?

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip to Dumbass Matt Vaughn of Rockwall, Texas***

Fog Machine Causes Strip Club Evacuation!

As a Former Professional Drinker I can assure you that I contributed to the United states economy in ways that your Non-Professional Drinker does not.

For example, back before General Motors and Chrysler got themselves in a big jam, they owed to me a debt of gratitude, not to mention a new Corvette, for my contributions to their financial well being. Not all of their success but a great deal of it.

You may be asking yourself how could a solitary Fearless Leader be such a boon to the automotive industry in the United States? The answer? Strippers. I dropped enough money on lap dances to finance several dozen new cars. With extended warranties. I had the money to blow, so why not help out a stripper? It beats the hell out of giving to the nitwits who sell flowers on street corners. I’ll take knockers over flowers any day of the week.

Not So Good Places 

Some of the Jiggle Joints I patronized were not what you’d call “gentlemen’s clubs”. Dives is more like it. I was going into to this one place in Houston one time with a couple of my buddies visiting from Dallas when there was a hail of gun fire right in front of the entrance to the place. Spooky indeed. So, what did we do? We went in. What did you expect? There were boobies waiting to be gawked at in there.

Fire! Or Not.

In the more “high class” strip clubs the props used by the dancers range from that well-known piece of exercise equipment known asthe “stripper pole” to ribbons and fog machines. Only the ugly stippers, however, used the fog machines. But even the most high-tech and foggiest of fog machines can not hide ugly. Take my word for it.

I did not pay for lap dances from ugly strippers. A nice rack can get a girl only so far with me. Ugly is a deal-breaker.

Smokin’  

Down in Hotlanta, a group of Professional Drinkers and bidnessmen were sitting around looking at tatas and blowing their hard earned money at a strip joint when a thick smoke filled the room. Thicker and thicker the smoke became. “Fire!”, someone yelled. So the pro drinkers and the Guys Cheating on Their Expense Accounts were herded outside the club.

Enter the Fire Department. Unable to locate the blaze, one fireman bravely entering the “inferno”, struggling to see through the thick smoke when he finally came upon the source of the smoke.

You guessed it. A stripper fog machine!

It seems as if if one of the strippers forgot to turn off the fog machine after her routine and the smoke quickly filled up the entire titty bar! This ruins a good day of looking at nice racks rather quickly.

Preguntas (a little Meskin lingo there)

As usual, I have questions.

  • How could a stripper fog machine be making fog for a long enough period of time without being noticed until the whole club looked like downtown London?
  • Who was the Dumbas in charge of turning off the stripper fog machine? The stripper or some minimum wage bar back who was too drunk to remember to shut it off?
  • Why did this Strip Club hire an ugly stripper? Remember, only ugly stripper use fog machines.
  • Did the management of the club fire whoever screwed up all the boob ogling?
  • Is the ugly stripper still working there?
  • What happened to the stripper fog machine?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Dumbasses.

 
 
 

Dumbass Parents and Coaches Ruin Pee Wee Football Season for Kids

WARNING: GRAPHIC LANGUAGE AHEAD! What the fuck?! My wife came across this story on Aol News. Recently in Pearland, just south  of Houston, there was a Pee Wee football game that ended up looking like a bunch of pussy European soccer fans rioting over that dumbass game they are so attached to. Instead, it was a bunch of pussies I am ashamed to call Texans that did the riot thing. At a Pee Wee Football Game! Here’s the video. Prepare yourself to be disgusted and pissed off. Thanks to the dumbass actions of the so-called adults in charge of these kids’ football teams, both teams have been disqualified from participating in the league playoffs. What kind of dumbass sets this kind of example for our young people? I feel like flying to Houston to find these dickweeds and kicking all their “adult” asses or buying them all a plane ticket to fucking Paris where nobody fights because they are too pussy to stand up for themselves. You “coaches” and “parents” will be all the rage over there, you can kick 100,000 French asses and be the fucking Big Dogs. Dumbasses. One of the young men on one of the teams, Justin Robinson, was more adult than any of the dumb fucks involved in the brawl when he said, “I still can’t believe they, the coaches actually did that in front of us because that just sets a bad example for us.” Justin, you make me proud, son. You are a true Texan and a fine young man.

LET’S HELP THE KIDS! I am going to do some phone work tomorrow and do what I can to set up a fund for the kids on the teams to receive a trophy for their sportsmanship during this sad display by their elders. I want to let them know how proud of them we are for being fine young men. I’ll fill you in as I get this thing rolling.