Category: Huffington Post

The Moose, the Swing Set & the Dumbass

Best of Dumbass News

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for “weird news”. You see HuffPo’s “Weird News” often translates to Fearless Leader’s Dumbass News. So, it’s cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don’t plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see “Weird News”, I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today’s story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania

Fluffy the Moose

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into – literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That’s two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It’s a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he’s a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today’s Dumbass Moose Story doesn’t, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: “A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff’s deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, “If something happens to me, give this to my wife.”

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways…

  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. “Tangled up” meaning “trapped’, “cornered”, “unable to flee”. Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is “distressed”. A “distressed” moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he’s being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by “most important” I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the “give this to my wife” moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples’ air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.

From the mouths of Dumbasses, “I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do,” he said Wednesday. “Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn’t seem threatened.” What. The. Fuck.
See 1 – 7 above.

More from the cop: “Pretty crazy stuff,” he said. “This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last.”

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

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Outstanding Real-Life Dumabsses w/ Outstanding Real-Life Dumbass Names

As great a Research Assistant as Mrs. Fearless Leader is, there’s only so much she can do in helping to bring you the absolute best, or worst, depending on your perspective, Dumbass News available on the intar tubes. I wish I had a dozen of her. But she nixed the cloning idea out of hand as, as she put it it, “a bunch of bullshit, you motherfucker.” She’s direct and to the point when she’s nice to me like that.

I say this because the people at the HuffPo are lucky to have some stoopid fuck with more money than brains as an employer. I am sure they have all the latest technology and a handful of Dumbasses to gather stoopid shit from around the net. Why do you think that I steal use them as a starting point for so much of what I write about? They get all the good stuff, that’s why! I just make it better.

The rat bastids.

But I still got Mrs. Fearless Leader. And she’s the best in the bidness.

Screw HuffPo. In a metaphorical kind of way, of course.

But I digress.

Dumbass Spew Alert: Be Seated and Consume No Liquids

I frequently write about Dumbass Newspaper Headlines and Dumbass Criminals like the guy who tried to kill another man with a toilet seat! 

Usually the dip shits who commit these acts of Dumbassery have normal-type names, like John Smith or ray Freeman. However! Thanks to the Dumbass department at HuffPuffIDipSnuff, i am glad to report that there are some Bad Guys out there with names only belong to a Dumbass!

For example…

Examples

A guy in South Florida was recently invited to be a guest of the Miami-Dade County Crossbar Hilton after he pulled a Felony Trifecta (assault, resisting an officer, probation violation & more). His name? (Ad Lib Spew Alert Reminder!) Jackmeoff Mudd! I kid you not!

But wait! There’s more!!!

In Wisconsin, a Dumbass got busted for a bunch of stuff. His handle (and I ain’t makin’ this up!) is Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.  

These two numbnuts are only the beginning of the Dumbasses with Dumbass Names Class of ’12. There is also Leonard G. Dickman and Donald Duck. Daniel Noody, Draco Slaughter (a bomb scare guy) and Joseph Moron also make the list

We can’t discount Dalcapone Alpaccino Morris, sex offender Mister Love or Tyrannusaurus Rex Mullens, also a pervert who should be strung up by the gazebos until he is grave yard dead and agood ole Patrick Molesti who is just an ordinary Dumbass Crook, not a sex offender.

If you’d appreciate a belly laugh or two, click on over to the HuffPo slide show featuring outstanding Dumbass photos of our Inaugural Group of Dumbasses with Dumbass Names (Class of ’12). It’s worth the look.

Dumbasses.

30 Women Riot Over Facebook Comment!

The internet is a powerful machine. Facebook is a powerful cog in this powerful machine.

Generally speaking, Facebook is a great way to, like I do, stay in touch with friends and family or to reconnect with people you haven’t seen or heard from in many moons (a little Injun Lingo there). The social network is also a great source of comedic, if felonious, material. I should know. I have an FB account and it gets weird enough there, but the stories I come across when doing research for stuff to write about on this blog are, to say the least, fucking outrageous.

Troublemaker

Social Media Stoopididity

Some examples of Facebook Dumbassery that we’ve covered on Dumbass News include the story of a guy who stole some Christmas stuff then posted the details of his theft on his Facebook page! Another time a Florida couple got into a disagreement over a Facebook comment that landed them both in the slammer! Then in a touching Moment of Muslim Social Media Madness, a raghead somewhere named his newborn daughter “Facebook”! Allah will not be pleased.

But wait! There’s more!

Facebook Comment Incites 30 Woman Riot!

A good cat fight between two Dumbasses of the female persuasion is a man’s dream, even if it’s over something posted on FB.

This brawl then must be a man’s wet dream. Not only does it involve females at war over some stoopid shit placed on a Facebook page, it evolves into a full out free for all with over thirty bitches erupting into a full scale armed conflict, the likes of which have not been seen since the Beatles appeared at Shea Stadium in NYC in the mid 60s.

From the HuffPuffSnuffIsEnuffPost

More than 30 women gathered for a large street fight in Sacramento on Sunday afternoon, reportedly over a Facebook post.

According to Sacramento Police Department Officer Michele Gigante, the fight reportedly began when a woman saw what she interpreted as a suggestive post on her husband’s Facebook account from another woman.
“The incident is still under investigation,” said Gigante to The Huffington Post. “But it looks like the women then met for a fight, along with their friends or other people involved.”
By the time police arrived, the fight had already dispersed. But witnesses reported seeing at least 30 women using baseball bats, bottles, rocks and other weapons.
According to CBS, one woman reportedly broke a candleholder from a nearby memorial and used it as a weapon. At least two people were hospitalized.
“Two people really sustained major injuries,” said Sacramento Police Sgt. Andrew Pettit to CBS. “Those two people were reportedly hit with bats and they went to the hospital requiring stitches.”
CBSLocal in NutSackTown reported that after the melee, some of the brawling bitches went into a nearby convenience store for cold drinks! A couple of foatys (Hood Rat talk meaning 40s), no doubt.
On the Other Hand
What if this Clash of the Titans and Louisville Sluggers had involved a man’s comment to a woman other than his wife? Mayhem, massive bloodshed and a gazebo-removing frenzy would have ensued with gazebos rolling like Homeless Marbles down the streets of NutSackramento. 
Then the women would have jumped in and the REAL horror would have begun.
I shudder at the thought. 
Dumbasses.

The Story of the Moose, the Swing Set & the Dumbass

I am glad that HuffPo has a staff of millions and many of them have nothing better to do than surf the inter tubes looking for “weird news”. You see HuffPo’s “Weird News” often translates to Fearless Leader’s Dumbass News. So, it’s cool that they have the manpower to find all this stuff and I can steal it from them. Of course, I don’t plagiarize them, I simply report on it from a different angle than they do. They see “Weird News”, I see Dumbassery.

So, credit where credit is due and all that, thanks for today’s story idea, HuffPo.

Moose-sylvania

Not Named “Fluffy”

As you know, I live in Maine. Up here there is abundant wildlife for viewing and occasionally running into – literally. There are frequent stories in the local news that tell about some poor person driving through the country side in their automobile and BAM! Ford meets moose. Moose wins. Sort of. People get killed by colliding with moose up here on a regular basis. Look, a bull moose tips the scales at about a ton. That’s two thousand pounds of bull moose smashing into a 2500 pound car.

It’s a mess.

Even if you simply come across a moose in the wild, they can be not so sociable and they can hurt you. bad. As in kill you dead. As. A. Doornail. There are occasional news stories about a wild moose straying onto a college campus or even a shopping mall in Maine, usually Bangor or Portland. College mooses sometimes become unofficial mascots of that particular campus.

Of course, if you live out in the woods or in a rural setting, encountering a moose is not that big of deal as long as you are cautious and keep your distance. Like any wild animal, once a moose loses his fear of people, he’s a dangerous sonuvabitch.

Back Yard Bullwinkle

Today’s Dumbass Moose Story doesn’t, however, take place in Maine. It happened just outside Ogden, Utah.

From HuffPo: “A moose was freed from a strange backyard entanglement thanks to a brave Utah deputy and a pair of cutters.
Sgt. Lane Findlay found himself face to face with the moose whose antlers were wrapped up in a backyard swing set this weekend.
The Weber County Sheriff’s deputy got the call Sunday and responded to a residential community outside Ogden, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. He said the moose appeared in distress, and was bleeding.
Findlay said he handed his mobile phone to an onlooker and asked the person to shoot video, telling him, “If something happens to me, give this to my wife.”

Oh, what a Dumbass, let me count the ways…

  1. The officer, while doing an admirable, if stoopid thing, is not a trained Wildlife Guy. Unless you count the hookers in Ogden, Utah as wildlife.
  2. He should have waited for the Game Warden to assess the situation and act accordingly.
  3. The moose was tangled up. “Tangled up” meaning “trapped’, “cornered”, “unable to flee”. Bad mojo.
  4. The second most important word in the paragraph above is “distressed”. A “distressed” moose is 2000 pounds of deadly fur if provoked or even if he thinks he’s being jacked with.
  5. The most important word, and by “most important” I mean BIG RED FLAG WARNING DANGER CAUTION DO NOT FUCK WITH TANGLED UP MOOSE word is BLEEDING! I think we can all surmise that a trapped, distressed, bleeding moose is not a critter to agitate any further.
  6. One wrong move and the “give this to my wife” moment will be your last moment on this planet and of breathing other peoples’ air.
  7. The cop is a Dumbass.

From the mouths of Dumbasses, “I just made the decision to go in there and see what I could do,” he said Wednesday. “Fortunately, the moose was tired and it didn’t seem threatened.” What. The. Fuck.
See 1 – 7 above.

More from the cop: “Pretty crazy stuff,” he said. “This is certainly a first for me, and hopefully a last.”

I. Am. Speechless.

Almost.

Dumbass.

Cure for Erectile Dysfunction? Breastfeeding for Grown Men!

I am at an age (55) when physical maladies that also beset millions of other Dumbasses of similar Life Seniority have begun to manifest themselves upon my person.  I am mainly talking about My close friend Arthur Itis and his cousin Fi Bro Myalgia.


While these discomforts are quite unpleasant to deal with, I am thankful beyond words that I am not afflicted with something really serious like cancer, heart disease or God forbid, E.D. While some of my body parts function with limited success, others do exactly what they were designed to do, and for that I am most happy.


Dysfunctional Ding-a-ling 


There’s a guy named Jeff from Parts Unknown, USA who says that he has problems with his pee pee. Jeff is only 34 years old, so this is indeed sad news for not only Jeff, but his better half, Michelle. It is great news, however, for Duracell or whoever manufactures the brand of batteries Michelle uses in her Battery Operated Boyfriend (BOB) when good ol’ Jeff can’t “tote the mail”.


Jeff and Michelle have searched far and wide for something that will make Jeff’s pecker “normal” again. I would assume that their search includes using hard-on medication like Viagra or Cialis. Quick aside: Why do the drug companies that produce pills that make a man’s willie stand up like a Georgia pine for extended periods of time advise you to seek medical help if your erection lasts longer than four hours? I have never understood this. I am telling you right here and right now that if I ever find myself in need of medical assistance in achieving a woody and I consume one of these drugs to help me out, I am riding that baby to Kingdom Come if that’s where it leads me. Medical attention indeed.


Jeff’s “Medical Assistance” 

E D Symptom Alleviators

Brother Jeff has come up with a novel method of  alleviating the symptoms of his Erectile Dysfunction. He drinks his wife’s breast milk! I am not making this up! 

The source for this story is the HuffandPuffnadBlowYourHouseDownington Post. Here’s an  extra long excerpt that takes this tale beyond the limits of stoopid, straight into the World of Dumbass: Jeff and Michelle, who wish to have their last names withheld, have been incorporating breastfeeding into their sexual routine since a few months after the birth of their first child. The girl, now age 2, has stopped breastfeeding, but Michelle, 27, is now producing milk for the couple’s 8-month-old son.

Jeff drinks his wife’s milk “straight from the source.” Not only do both partners find the process intensely erotic, but Jeff also says that it significantly alleviates his symptoms of erectile dysfunction.
The children have always received first priority when it comes to Michelle’s milk supply, Jeff noted.
The couple will be featured on the season 3 premiere of ‘Strange Sex.’ However, when Jeff and Michelle first submitted an application, they were hoping to be featured for a different fetish: vampirism.
Vampirism is “exactly what it sounds like,” Jeff said, though he added, “I do not need blood for sustenance.”
For Michelle and Jeff, vampirism is by no means a gory experience. The bites Jeff would give Michelle would “essentially be like a scraped knee,” with minimal amounts of blood.
The vampirism alleviated his ED symptoms “somewhat,” Jeff said, but the two practiced it fairly infrequently, partially due to the risk of scarring.
What This Means     
After careful and studied contemplation on the matter at hand, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that Jeff and Michelle are Dumbasses.
What did you expect me to say? That these two freaks are merely “expressing themselves”? I think they are expressing themselves all right, expressing themselves in a way that screams, “We are two fucking psychotics!”.  
Jeff, my man, go back to using the instant stiffy stuff. Drinking a nursing mother’s Boob Juice  ain’t cool, bro. I don’t care if your thingy is hangin’ there limp as an egg noodle that has been soaking in water for a week.
And that vampire gig? Bad joo joo.
Another thing, what are you gonna suck on when the “well” runs dry?
Never mind. I don’t want to know.
Dumbass. 
Thanks to the HuffPo for not (yet) suing my ass off for using the long excerpt. 
  

Mothers Day Gift Suggestions That You DON’T Want to Buy!

Nothing Says “Mom’s a Slut” Like a High Heel Wine Holder for Mothers Day

I am a guy. I am a lousy gift buyer. This is especially true when it comes to picking out a gift for a woman, say, like Mom.

When you are a kid getting Mom a Mothers Day present is easy. Any gift will do. Perfume? Sure. House shoes. You bet. Embalmed gila monster incense burner? Not a problem. But as you get older, you are expected to be a bit more practical about such things. I don’t understand why that is though. I am still a guy who has no frakkin’ clue what to get Mom for her special day. Besides, an embalmed gila monster incense burner still sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

It is at this point that I remind myself that I am a Dumbass.

Choices

These days it’s much easier to do the actual shopping for a Mothers Day gift, thanks in large part to the internet. If you have an internet connection and a debit card you can buy practically anything from anywhere in the world. A few mouse clicks and the next thing you know Mom has been booked for an all expense paid trip to Puerta NoOneKnows or she’s the proud owner of that authentic fake Shroud of Turin Replica, autographed by Jesus. Yes, Jesus himself (pronounced Hay-soos), a Colombian burro rancher and part-time cocaine distributor for the Cali drug cartel, will personally sign and authenticate each Shroud sold. I must point out that although the Shroud may be a reproduction, the burro hair it is made from is quite real. It’s a real steal at 4 bazillion pesos. That’s about 38 cents American. A free line of blow is included with bulk orders of 25 or more.

Any Mom would be glad to own one and proud to wear it to her next Little Old Ladies’ Every Other Wednesday Canasta Tournament and Tequila Drinking Extravaganza.

Or maybe not.

Making the RIGHT Choice

This is where things get hairy when guys buy stuff for women, whether it’s for Mothers Day, an anniversary or because he was out waaaayyy too late with the boys last night. No matter the circumstance, we men make lousy gift choices.

As a Public Service to My Fellow Male Dumbasses Who Are Pitiful Gift Buyers for Females, I have heeded the advice of my wife, who is also a Mother, and done an extraordinary amount of research into gifts to not buy Mom this Sunday. And by “extraordinary research” I mean Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde sent me an email with a link to some really fucking stoopid crap being sold as gifts. And by “fucking stoopid crap” I mean shit that would clutter up a landfill.

Let us explore.

Exploring

I am gonna put up a few photos of actual items for sale that some poor Dumbass will buy for his wife or Mother. The wife or Mother, upon receipt of this steaming pile of merchandise, will then Google up “gazebo removers”, if ou know what I mean and I think you do.

First up…

While this contraption may look like Good Old Dad has an ulterior motive in making this purchase, the fact of the matter is that while this may look like something Mom practices a hummer on, it’s actually a (I ain’t making this up) a “Suction-Powered Lip Plumper”. It must be a tremendous item, just take notice of the “far away” look in Mom’s eyes. I think Dad may be on to something here. I’m just sayin’.

Item #2…

If you think the blow job insinuator up there ^^^ is a poor choice of Mothers Day gift ideas, then this one probably comes with a loaded .45 and a hollowpoint bullet in the chamber. This contraption is a “Waist Stretcher”. I can think of no better way to get Mom to Google-ing “gazebo removers” or “insanity pleas for husband murder” than to make her a present of this thing. You see, Mothers Day is the perfect time to let Mom know she’s put on an extra inch or two in the abdominal area. Trust me on this one, Guys. You’d rather fight Satan at the End of Times using only a Slinky as a weapon than to buy this as a Mothers Day gift. The Blow Job Thing is a far better choice. And that ain’t necessarily a positive thing.

Mom the Sprots Fan

I am from Texas and almost all Texas Women are sports fans to varying degrees. My sister Teri can talk shit about sports with the best of ’em, male or female. For women like her, this “Personalized Bobblehead Doll” would be an outstanding gfit idea. Keep in mind,Guys, that the woman you buy one of these for must be a HUGE sports fan! If she’s not big on football and stuff and you give her this lovely trinket for Mothers Day, on Monday she will be a big Female Divorce Lawyer on PMS Fan. Enough said.

Mrs. Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde came across these sensational items on the Huffandpuffandgiveyouablowjobpost, where you can view a nifty slide show of wonderful Mothers Day gift ideas similar to those above. She then proceeded to lecture about the virute of receiving diamonds as a deterant to”gazebo remover” or “pissed of female divorce attorney” Google-ing. I am sure she was being very sincere with me.

For more exciting and “unique” ways to tell Mom you lover this Mothers Day, it is imperative that you visit the site where all these valuable and collectable treasures can be found.

Fellow Dumbasses, let valor be the better part of judgement when considering what to give Mom this Sunday. Also, in your mid’s ear, let the words “gazebo remover” echo loudly and often. I’m just sayin’.

Dumbasses.

30 Women Riot Over Facebook Comment to Dumbass’s Husband!

The internet is a powerful machine. Facebook is a powerful cog in this powerful machine.

Generally speaking, Facebook is a great way to, like I do, stay in touch with friends and family or to reconnect with people you haven’t seen or heard from in many moons (a little Injun Lingo there). The social network is also a great source of comedic, if felonious, material. I should know. I have an FB account and it gets weird enough there, but the stories I come across when doing research for stuff to write about on this blog are, to say the least, fucking outrageous.

Social Media Stoopididity

Some examples of Facebook Dumbassery that we’ve covered on Dumbass News include the story of a guy who stole some Christmas stuff then posted the details of his theft on his Facebook page! Another time a Florida couple got into a disagreement over a Facebook comment that landed them both in the slammer! Then in a touching Moment of Muslim Social Media Madness, a raghead somewhere named his newborn daughter “Facebook”! Allah will not be pleased.

But wait! There’s more!

Facebook Comment Incites 30 Woman Riot!


A good cat fight between two Dumbasses of the female persuasion is a man’s dream, even if it’s over something posted on FB.

This brawl then must be a man’s wet dream. Not only does it involve females at war over some stoopid shit placed on a Facebook page, it evolves into a full out free for all with over thirty bitches erupting into a full scale armed conflict, the likes of which have not been seen since the Beatles appeared at Shea Stadium in NYC in the mid 60s.

From the HuffPuffSnuffIsEnuffPost

More than 30 women gathered for a large street fight in Sacramento on Sunday afternoon, reportedly over a Facebook post.

According to Sacramento Police Department Officer Michele Gigante, the fight reportedly began when a woman saw what she interpreted as a suggestive post on her husband’s Facebook account from another woman.
“The incident is still under investigation,” said Gigante to The Huffington Post. “But it looks like the women then met for a fight, along with their friends or other people involved.”
By the time police arrived, the fight had already dispersed. But witnesses reported seeing at least 30 women using baseball bats, bottles, rocks and other weapons.
According to CBS, one woman reportedly broke a candleholder from a nearby memorial and used it as a weapon. At least two people were hospitalized.
“Two people really sustained major injuries,” said Sacramento Police Sgt. Andrew Pettit to CBS. “Those two people were reportedly hit with bats and they went to the hospital requiring stitches.”
CBSLocal in NutSackTown reported that after the melee, some of the brawling bitches went into a nearby convenience store for cold drinks! A couple of foatys (Hood Rat talk meaning 40s), no doubt.
On the Other Hand
What if this Clash of the Titans and Louisville Sluggers had involved a man’s comment to a woman other than his wife? Mayhem, massive bloodshed and a gazebo-removing frenzy would have ensued with gazebos rolling like Homeless Marbles down the streets of NutSackramento. 
Then the women would have jumped in and the REAL horror would have begun.
I shudder at the thought. 
Dumbasses.