When it comes to stories about what lengths drug users and dealers go to to hide their stash, we’ve had some humdingers here on Dumbass News. A cursory search of the blog archives turns up several examples of the innovative methods tweakers employ when smuggling or simply concealing their narcotics:
- A Nigerian guy living in Brazil planned for his retirement by sending nearly six pounds of cocaine to his native land in roasted chickens!
- A couple of stoopid bitches were doin’ a solid for a boyfriend by trafficking more than a kilo of coke in their hair weaves!
- Fake boobs aren’t just for beauty pageant contestants and strippers any more. A Panamanian lady attempted to haul three pounds of blow into Barcelona in her breast implants!
- Not to be outdone, a guy named Dave was busted for having a mobile meth lab in his underwear!
These Dumbasses are pikers compared to the group of jizzwhistlers (thanks @ToddKincannon !) you will learn about today.
Brake Lights Ain’t All That Are Busted
|Up the Ass & In the Leg|
Four fine young Dumbasses were driving around in Charlotte County, Florida, minding their own bidness when a mean ole Charlotte County Sheriff’s Deputy pulled them over because the brake lights on their tan Hyundai were not working.
As per Standard Long Arm of the Law Operating Procedure, upon approaching the occupants of the
automobile, Deputy Dawg asked all four of the idjits in the car if they were in possession of guns, swords, stash, contraband or nuke-u-lar weapons. All four responded “negatory” and granted the cop permission to search the car.
This is OK if you have nothing to hide, but if you are holding illegal narcotics on your person, this can quickly, as they say, turn around and bite you in the ass. Such was the case when the Law asked one of the passengers if he had any drugs hidden in his prosthetic leg. He did.
It was at this point of the investigation that the fun began. If you were the Cops. The four suspects? Not so much.
Here a Drug, There a Drug, Everywhere a Drug Drug
Now the Fuzz has the right to really start a serious examination of not only the car, but the Four Dumbasses as well.
The driver of the car, a woman, was found to be concealing a bag of some nasty shit (morphine and hydromorphine) in her bra. She also confessed to having a hydromorhine pill in her wallet laying on the front seat of the car. At this time, she performed the Old Fake-a-rooni Evasive Maneuver on the Deputy, raced over to her wallet, quickly grab said pill and swallowed it!
During a further inspection of the car, the cops found some other shit, including some hypodermic needles.
Then it happened.
The lady ‘fessed up and admitted that she had one more hypo hidden on her person.
In. Her. Ass.
Now, I’m not a user of illegal drugs, but if I were, and I learned that the needle I was about to use to main line some morphine had been hidden in some chick’s asshole, it is at this exact moment that I would become an ex-illegal drug user. Pronto. “Tainted” narcotics (see what I did there?) be damned.
It won’t be long now that the young lady’s ass will be used for more than concealing hypodermic needles. See: Lezbeans in Prison movies.