Category: Independence Day

"Drug Cartel Agents" Chase Dumbass into House; He Calls 9-1-1 on Himself!

I hope and trust that you Dumbasses had an outstanding 4th of July Week like we did here at the Dumbass Dome.

One of the Independence Day activities that stands out in my mind is the local 4th of July fireworks display, as it should be. The display took place smack dab on the banks of the beautiful Kennebec River meandering along side downtown Augusta. But this particular explosives extravaganza hit a little close to home. And by “close to home” I mean we were so near to the action that the shrapnel from the expended fireworks rained down on us all during the damn thing. A couple of people seated near us were nearly turned into Crispy Critters by falling fireworks residue – that was still on fire as it floated down to the ground. I ain’t kiddin’. Some of the pyrotechnics didn’t quite become extinguished as they fell to Earth and actually landed on people in the gathered mass of local Dumbasses.

Luckily, no one was injured with the possible exception of the one guy who ran like a scalded dog directly into the Kennebec River screeching at the top of his incinerated lungs something about “my fucking balls are on fire!” The local Fire Marshall had no comment.

Target of Drug Cartel Agents?

Patriotic Burglar 

One thing I really admire about Mainers is their dedication to and pride in the United States. This is evidenced not only by the hundreds of 4th of July parades and fireworks shows held all over the state, even in the tiniest of towns each year, but also by the fact that the State of Maine has a higher percentage of Veterans and currently-serving military personnel when compared to the population as a whole, than any other state in the country. Why even the crooks up here are very patriotic, if not Dumbasses.

For example…

Marcus McCall of Bangor was doing his patriotic duty as a Dumbass Criminal when he broke into a house whose residents were celebrating Independence Day in a more conventional way. Well, Marcus wasn’t exactly being a good citizen by doing a little breaking and entering on the 4th, he was in reality escaping the Ginsu-like canines of pursuing canines. So he thought. Or said.

Once safely ensconced inside the home, separated from the snarling beasts hot on his heels, Marcus called 9 1 1 on himself! I pulled this text from the Bangor Daily News article that will enlighten us all, I’m sure, “Officers Josh Kuhn and John Robinson responded to the residence and spoke to McCall, who was cooperative, according to Edwards. McCall told Kuhn and Robinson that he believed drug cartel agents were trying to kill him and were using dogs to track him as he ran through the woods alongside the Kenduskeag Stream, the sergeant said.
The officers found a smashed window in the house, but nothing had been taken, Edwards said.
Police could not confirm McCall’s claims and arrested him.” (emphasis mine)

Could Not Confirm?

What the hell?! Maybe because the only “drug cartel agents” in Bangor, Maine are a few guys with names like “Lefty” and “Vic” who are “business associates” of their own Fearless Leader – Frankie Belavacqua, the Beast of Bangor.  I mean, c’mon! “Drug cartel agents” wasn’t a teensy weensy hint that Marcus McCall just might be a bit, shall we say, disturbed? No, we shall not. We shall say, “fucked up”.

I am not privvy to the inner workings of your average vicious killer drug cartel organization, but I have been to East Dallas many times and know some vatos who know some vatos, if you know what I mean and I think you do. It is this intimate knowledge of the barrio upon which I form my Considered Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Opinion. My CFLOTDHO is that if it were actual drug cartel guys chasing after Marcus that the chase would be very short and Marcus would have been fitted very quickly with the latest in Manly Cement Shoe Footwear and summarily tossed into the Penobscot River. Or he could have been shot so full of holes that the Penobscot County Coroner would have been required to use a tea strainer just to get Marcus’ fingerprints.

But all that is mere speculation on my part.

Bottom Line 

Marcus is in the slammer and the Drug Cartel Agents of Bangor, Maine are once again free to terrorize the at-large population of the Queen City as they see fit. Life is back to normal in Bang-ah.

That is if the cops in Bangor can “confirm” that there are indeed “Drug Cartel Agents” in their fair city at all.

Or do I need to take these goofballs on a trip to East Dallas to meet some vatos who know some vatos?

I’ll have to confirm that.



4th of July, 2012

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary…

Thus begins the Declaration of Independence, (full text at link) a document so powerful that it would change the course of World History. This amazing manuscript was adopted by representatives of the Original 13 Colonies on July 4,1776 and concluded with these stirring words, “And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.” 

Outlining what Abraham Lincoln would later call “a government of the people, by the people and for the people”, the Declaration is perhaps the most significant document in the history of our Republic.

Fast forward to July 4, 2012. Today we celebrate the 236th Birthday of the United States of America, an experiment in self-governance that has proven to be he best form of administration of society in the History of Man. While hundreds of millions of Americans note this day with fireworks, backyard barbecues and sports, let us honor the men who did indeed “mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor” and the Early Americans who sacrificed so much so that we may live in Freedom today.

A Few Little-Known Patriotic Facts About July 4  

Number of places nationwide with “liberty” in their name. The most populous one is Liberty, Missouri (29,149). Iowa has more of these places than any other state: four (Libertyville, New Liberty, North Liberty and West Liberty).

  • Eleven places have “independence” in their name. The most populous of these is Independence, Missouri, with 116,830 residents.

  • Five places adopted the name “freedom.” New Freedom, Pennsylvania with 4,464 residents, has the largest population among these.

  • There is one place named “patriot” — Patriot, Indiana, with a population of 209.

  • And what could be more fitting than spending the day in a place called “America”? There are five such places in the country, with the most populous being American Fork, Utah, with 26,263 residents. 

During all the fun activities you have going on today, I hope you’ll take a few minutes to re-read the Declaration of Independence and absorb the magnificence of its words and their meaning. Talk about it with your kids and/or grand kids. Recall our Founding Fathers and the enormous risks they were taking so that they, their families and all future Americans could enjoy the fruits of Liberty. 
It’s an astounding story.

However, it will only be an astounding story as long as Patriots mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor”. 

For us, as it was for the Founders, it is a time for choosing.


                                                                God Bless America!

God bless America!