|Shit for Brains|
I like to travel. I love seeing the “purple mountains’ majesty” “from sea to shining sea” of this land of ours. God has truly “shed His Grace on thee.”
I do all my running around the USA by car. I like to see stuff, to soak in and appreciate the Natural Wonders surrounding me. Traveling by automobile does have some drawbacks, however. Time spent getting from place to place being one of them. But that’s not really too bad as you can always take in the scenery just outside your car window. Finding a decent place to eat is a little more difficult and coming across a clean toilet is the cruelest Travel demon of all.
When Nature calls, men can, if it’s an emergency, simply pull off to the side of the road, scamper off into the nearby woods and take care of business. Women? Not so much.
When Ya Gotta Go, Ya Gotta Go
I must admit that when seeing the country by car, there are times when you gotta take a potty break and there’s no toilet in sight. This can present quite a dilemma. While your bowels are doing the Flamenco Dance, do you try to hold on for a little while or do you just pull over and take a healthy dump or perhaps, get ready to shed your nasty ass drawers at the next truck stop? This is not an easy decision to make, although the decision sometimes makes itself, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Melissa Mansfield was faced with such a quandry while traveling one of the busiest highways in the state of Florida. She chose to pull over and leave her calling card right on the side of the Interstate! Things then went from bad to worse for Melissa.
During the Poop Process, Melissa the Doo Doo Dumbass, was spotted doing her thing by, you guessed it (!), a Florida State Trooper! The next phase of the Bad to Worse transition was a bout to take place.
When asked by the Fuzz for ID, the Dumbass Doo Doo Queen had none. Strike two.
Did I mention that she was driving a stolen car also? She was. Strike two and a half.
The piece resistance is that had Melissa waited for another five minutes before taking a shit on the side of the Interstate, she would have come upon a Rest Area with public toilets. As Maxwell Smart would say, “Missed it by that much!”
Our friend Melissa will now spend the next several years of her young life as a resident of State Facilities courtesy of a jury of twelve of her peers (pee pun intended) where she’ll be too pooped to drop the deuce. She’ll will, however, enjoy many hours of broom handle riding with her new friend, Peggy the “O’Cedar Makes My Life Easier” Finkelstein.
In other words, Melissa the Doo Doo Dipshit is about to learn what “squeezing the Charmin” is all about.
|He Made a Wrong Turn at Little Rock|
Let’s say that you were taking a leisurely drive, listening to some Merle Haggard on major Interstate Highway like, for instance, I-40 near Oklahoma City. Why anyone would want to be near OKC baffles me, but on one recent day even OKC was a great place to be, despite the large number of Okies and dumbasses (but I repeat myself) that live there. I mean even the saddest Merle Haggard song can’t help you forget that you are in Okla-fucking-homa City, although “The Bottle Let Me Down” is a good one to start with. Jack Daniels is optional. As Joe Bob Briggs, World Famous Drive-In Movie Critic and Redneck Spiritual Guru used to say, “let’s get to the nitty”.
The Nitty: There were a bunch of Okies and poor lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock driving down I-40 when all of the sudden there was money flying all over the place! Real US Legal Tender for cryin’ out loud. Now, even Okies and lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock have an affinity for the good old American Greenback, so they did like any bunch of dumbasses would do if there was cheese (money) raining from the sky. They slammed on the car brakes right in the middle of a major Interstate Highway and jumped out to help Police and Firefighters gather the lost loot to return the cash to the rightful owner. And by helping first responders I mean stealing the money like a hooker snortin’ blow at Charlie Sheen’s house. What happened was that somehow a bag of money (police estimate about $30 Large) was ejected from a car traveling I-40 and a clusterfuck of Okies and lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock proceeded to do their civic duty and become felons by scooping up as much of the errant money as possible. You really can’t blame the Okies and lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock for doing what they did, because the economy sucks. And they are Okies. Not to rag on Okies, but they are kinda like the Lost Tribe of Israel. They ain’t quite Texans and they ain’t quite Kansans, kinda stranded in No Man”s Land. These people weren’t delivered to the Promised Land by Moses, they were dumped in Okla-fucking-homa by Jim Bob Jumpback. Enough said.
I almost fell over backwards, which since I quit drinking would be quite a feat, when I read a quote from one of the EMS Guys at the scene of the whole Episode of the Flying Cash. These words are a direct quote that the EMS Guy made in the UPI article where I found this story. Sit down if you are prone to fall over when you laugh like a sound track to a 60s sitcom. The money quote: “It just kills me to think that somebody lost this thing. What if somebody was taking this to a hospital to pay for their surgery?” EMS Guy said. I did not make that up. Not to cast judgement on my fellow man but this guy is a true Okie. He also needs a little surgery done as well. A little snip snip to his gazebo sack. Voila! No more little Okies from this Einstein. Unless of course he was, at one time, one of the lost souls who made a wrong turn in Little Rock and ended up in the void that is OKC.