Category: Iowa

NSFW! 325 Pound Man Busts into Lingerie Shop, Plays "Hide the Plastic Sausage"

Before I even get started on today’s foray into Dumbassery, I will WARN you that what you are about to read is NSFW!

Here at Dumbass News we ain’t skeered to delve into some of the most bizarre news stories on the internet. In other words, we willingly and unashamedly dive head first into the slime. Today is no exception.

Let the Triple Lindys begin!

SPLAT!

Freak City

When you see those two words (Freak City), what town do you think of? San Francisco? Las Vegas? Davenport, Iowa? Davenport, Iowa??!! Freak City? Yup.

Allow me to elucidate.

Friend of the Foot Long

There’s a Dumbass in Davenport who is a rather large fellow. 5’11”, 325 pounds of Large Fellow. Being a Large Fellow does not of course predispose one to be a Dumbass, but being a Large Fellow and breaking into a lingerie store is a good start on the Road to Dumbassville.

New Meaning to Breaking & “Entering”

The Scene: 4:10 AM. Jose Perales (all 5’11”, 325 lbs. of him) breaks into Dr. John’s Lingerie Store and samples the merchandise.

The following mental image can not be un-seen!

Then, in what will surely repulse Dr. John’s staffers, Perales walked into the manager’s office, removed his clothes, opened some of the merchandise, and “began to please himself anally on the manager’s desk and futon/couch.”
The burglar “then walked out of the office naked showing the large tattoo on his back. The tattoo read “PERALES” in Old English lettering.” The distinctive ink helped cops eventually identify Perales.
During his time inside the store, “Perales proceeded to try on female lingerie and experiment with sex toys for approximately two hours,” the complaint notes. When he departed Dr. John’s he was “wearing a dress and blond wig belonging to the business.” He also left with a bag “containing various items belonging to the business.”

Inquiring Minds Want to Know

  • What. The. Fuck.
  • This will be not be in the Davenport Camber of Commerce’s next Reasons to Visit Davenport brochure.
  • Do Jose look pretty in pink?
  • When Jose speaks of a “foot long”, I am certain he does not mean a hot dog.
  • When Jose speaks of a “foot long”, I am certain that he does mean a 12 inch plastic weenie.
  • Jose experimented with sex toys for two hours? Really?
  • I bet you could park a Mack Truck in Jose’s hiney.
  • Jose will become known as “Ho -zay” in the Iowa State Penitentiary, where “foot longs” are the rule rather than the exception.
  • San Francisco has lost a fat gay guy named Jose.
  • I feel the need to projectile puke.

Dumbass.

***Hat Tip The Smoking Gun***

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Unfriended on Facebook: Leading Cause of Arson!

Unfriendly

Best of Dumbass News

Friends. What would we do without them? We’ve all had a friend who was more like a brother or sister than just a friend. He (or she) was the person you went to when your girlfriend broke up with you. Or when the death of a loved one changed life as you knew it. Or just to get hammered. Tommy Thompson was that friend to me. Always there when I needed a brother. Always there when a family tragedy struck. And damn sure always there when I was ready to make Adolph Coors Company, Golden, Colorado a lot richer. Then the fucker up and died on me. I’m still pissed at him. No matter though, Tommy is always with me in Spirit when I’m doing something stupid or that family thing happens. He’d probably kick my ass if he knew I quit drinking. Now that’s a friend for ya!

Besides missing my Best Friend Ever, I told that little story about Tommy for a reason. The reason? Dumbasses have friends, too. Like these two dumbass bitches in Iowa of all places.

Unfriended

I have been to Iowa. it’s a nice place. Middle America, corn, dumbasses….Jennifer Harris had a friend named Nikki. They were friends in real life and friends on Facebook. Then tragedy struck. Tragedy beyond your wildest dreams. Worse even than a death in the family. Nikki unfriended Jennifer on Facebook! Horror of horrors! This comes from the Des Moines Register, “According to Detective Jack Kamerick, the dispute had much to do with a Facebook event the former-best friends were planning. Jen asked Nikki to create an event on Facebook for a party. Nikki did that,” Kamerick told the Register. “As the date for the party approached there were a lot of ‘declines,’ on Facebook.”

In Des Moines, which is French for “my ass burns like the surface of the sun”, when you unfriend someone on Facebook, you had just as soon call the Pope a Jehova’s Witness. It’s serious bidness. Having been unfriended, Jennie became distraught. Very distraught. She was so distraught in fact, that she did the only thing she could do. Unfriend Nikki? Hell no. Nothing that serious. Jennifer promptly marched her unfriended ass to Nikki’s house and proceeded to set it on fire! Most of would think that setting your former best friend’s house on fire because you were unfriended on Facebook is a little on the extreme side. But this is Des Moines, Iowa we’re talking about here. What do you expect the people there to do? Build a Field of Dreams?

Dumbass.

Unfriending On Facebook: A Leading Cause of Arson

Unfriendly

Friends. What would we do without them? We’ve all had a friend who was more like a brother or sister than just a friend. He (or she) was the person you went to when your girlfriend broke up with you. Or when the death of a loved one changed life as you knew it. Or just to get hammered. Tommy Thompson was that friend to me. Always there when I needed a brother. Always there when a family tragedy struck. And damn sure always there when I was ready to make Adolph Coors Company, Golden, Colorado a lot richer. Then the fucker up and died on me. I’m still pissed at him. No matter though, Tommy is always with me in Spirit when I’m doing something stupid or that family thing happens. He’d probably kick my ass if he knew I quit drinking. Now that’s a friend for ya!

Besides missing my Best Friend Ever, I told that little story about Tommy for a reason. The reason? Dumbasses have friends, too. Like these two dumbass bitches in Iowa of all places.

Unfriended

I have been to Iowa. it’s a nice place. Middle America, corn, dumbasses….Jennifer Harris had a friend named Nikki. They were friends in real life and friends on Facebook. Then tragedy struck. Tragedy beyond your wildest dreams. Worse even than a death in the family. Nikki unfriended Jennifer on Facebook! Horror of horrors! This comes from the Des Moines Register, “According to Detective Jack Kamerick, the dispute had much to do with a Facebook event the former-best friends were planning. Jen asked Nikki to create an event on Facebook for a party. Nikki did that,” Kamerick told the Register. “As the date for the party approached there were a lot of ‘declines,’ on Facebook.”


In Des Moines, which is French for “my ass burns like the surface of the sun”, when you unfriend someone on Facebook, you had just as soon call the Pope a Jehova’s Witness. It’s serious bidness. Having been unfriended, Jennie became distraught. Very distraught. She was so distraught in fact, that she did the only thing she could do. Unfriend Nikki? Hell no. Nothing that serious. Jennifer promptly marched her unfriended ass to Nikki’s house and proceeded to set it on fire! Most of would think that setting your former best friend’s house on fire because you were unfriended on Facebook is a little on the extreme side. But this is Des Moines, Iowa we’re talking about here. What do you expect the people there to do? Build a Field of Dreams?

Dumbass.

Hat tip to Heather the Dumbass Wife, But Great Cook.  🙂

Tattoos Are Forever, Dumbass

The scenario: a dumbass is listening to the local rock radio station in Davenport, Iowa. The disc jockey on the air comes up with a real dumbass promotion. DJ Dumbass says the radio station will pay six figures to anyone who gets the station logo tattooed to his forehead! The dumbass listener, David Winkelman, hauls ass to the local tattoo shop and gets the station logo tattoo on his forehead! But wait, there’s more! Winkelman has a stepson that’s as big a dumbass as he is. Richard Goddard, the stepson dumbass, got the tattoo also! In my capacity as Official Decider of Dumbassery, I have determined that there is a boatload of dumbass in the Winkelman household. But, just when you thought things couldn’t get more bizarre, they do. I mean these guys are putting six pounds of dumbass in a five pound bag. Remember the dumbass DJ who started this whole mess with the promise of a six figure prize to dumbasses like Winkelman and Goddard for getting the station logo tattooed on their foreheads? He was joking! Hardy frakkin’ har har. Do I smell a lawsuit here? Why, yes I do! Winkelman sued the station and eventually the suit was dismissed. Fastforward ten years. Winkelman was recently arrested and his mugshot showed that he still has that damn tatto! What about the radio station  in question? As is wont to happen in the radio business (trust me on this one, folks), they changed formats and call letters! Now, that’s funny! And David Winkelman is still a dumbass.