|Favorite Phone of Dumbasses Everywhere|
The internet is a great thing. You can shop, pay bills, find information on almost anything, even find a spouse. However, with all this electronic convenience comes plenty of electronic danger – stolen IDs, credit card fraud, prostitution, even death. Having said all that, the World Wide Web is an incredible tool, with the benefits of it far outweighing its downside. I would think that any almost sane person would know and recognize the warning signs of a bad thing on the net. Still, there are dumbasses who put themselves in situations that could lead to bad things happening to them.
You just know that I am going somewhere with this, don’t you? There’s this dumbass out in California (but, I repeat myself) who found an iPhone for sale on Craigslist and set up a meeting with the seller. The meeting was, get ready for this, to be held behind a Carl’s Jr’! This is one of those bad things I mentioned up there^^^ Did I tell you that the dumbass had $500 cash money on him to purchase the iPhone with? Yep. Let us go over this situation again. Dumbass finds iPhone for sale on Craigslist. Dumbass has $500 cash to purchase iPhone with. Dumbass also sets a meeting with the iPhone seller behind Carl’s Jr. What could possibly go wrong? If you said the “seller” of the iPhone pulls a semiautomatic pistol and robbed the dumbass with $500, you win a Dinky Button. The Police were as dumbfounded as anybody about this crime. A cop from the local PD said, “Broad daylight in a public place — you really can’t ask for anything more than that,” the cop said. “This is so new, we don’t really have guidelines on it,” he said of criminals using online sales to lure victims. “Just be careful.” The cop actually said this with a straight face. He saved the side-busting laughter for later when there were no reporters around.
Just be careful indeed. Here are some tips from Dumbass News that you should follow when making a face to face transaction with someone on the internet: Rule 1) Schedule the meeting to be in a public place like inside the Carl’s Jr. Better yet follow Rule 2) Get a fucking PayPal account! They are FREE to set up and you’ll avoid a lot of hassles that could lead to, let’s say, armed robbery! Dumbass. Rule 3) Go to Best Buy or some other retailer. You can buy an iPhone there and even set up serivce with a major tele-electronics place, like Verizon or AT&T for $500 and they won’t even pull a semiautomatic pistol on you. Dumbass.
|I’m Me the Dumbass|
I have never been to Florida, but I know that a few billion (it seems like a few billion to native Floridians, I’m sure) snowbirds make the Sunshine State their home during the winter months rather than face the cold, cruel winters of their native countries – like Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont. well, the good people of Florida, natives and snowbirds alike, face an ever-increasing number of dumbasses calling Florida home. Armies of dumbasses are invading Florida at an alarming rate these days, putting the citizenry of the state in grave danger. Fortunately for the people of Florida, these invaders are dumbasses not mercenaries of a foreign country hostile to the United States.
Prime example: Joseph Eric Williams. Starting back in Augusta, Joey began a series of robberies at AT&T stores in Broward County, FLA. That’s what all the cool people call Florida, FLA. They call it FLA because they’re cool and stupid. The dumbasses can’t spell F-L-O-R-I-D-A, if you spotted them the F,L,O,R and I. But, I digress. Anyway, Joey knocked over several AT&T retail stores in Broward County and he did so successfully for a few months. He’d run into the stores grab a few iPhones worth about $600 each, and high tail it out of the store like somebody stuck a rocket up his ass. He got away with it for a while until a conscientious citizen saw a CrimeStoppers ad or something and recognized Joey as the culprit behind these snatch and grab robberies. This citizen became especially conscientious when he found out that CrimeStoppers was offering a $1000 reward to anyone who snitched Joey out. The conscientious citizen saw his civic duty (and a thousand bucks) and he did it. He told police that Joey would be easy to find because Joey lived just down the street from the conscientious citizen and that Joey had a distinguishing tattoo that said “I’m Me”. On his forehead! That would certainly narrow down the suspects in the Dumbass Pool.
Long story short, Joey got busted and he now sits in the Broward County Crossbar Hilton awaiting trial, sentencing and a date with Leon “Hung Like a Horse” Williams (no relation) at the Florida Department of Corrections. Dumbass.