Category: Island

Another "Dummy" Nominee! 5 Day Cell Phone Guy!

Not for Dumbasses

This time of year always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. That’s because I eat a lot of Meskin food during the Holiday Season. Do you realize what a ton of jalapenos and onions will do to your intestinal tract? Two words: Ass. Explosions. ‘Nuff said. 

On the real side, I really do enjoy the latter part of December. Not because of the Christmas thing and all that, but because it’s the time of year that we at Dumbass News get to look back over the 300+ posts from 2011 and determine who wins the most sought after  prize in the History of the Internet ©. The “Dummy”! 

Yes, friends, I have so much time on my hands that I can actually look through over 300 posts from this year and pick out a handful that are “Dummy”-worthy. Is that sad or what? Now, if each of you were to hit the ole “Donate” button in the right sidebar with a five spot once a month, my lifestyle would improve so I could get off my ass and waste a shitload of money at the strip club take my wife and kids out to eat once in a while. Regardless, I shall sally forth in the great name and cause of dumbassery, exposing the truly demented things that Dumbasses from every nook and cranny of this planet do on a daily basis. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. 

Gilligan’s Island Dumbass  

I have posted this one story numerous times throughout the year and it has been a hit every. single. time. It’s that good. It’s about a guy who took a quick trip to an island just off the California coast just to get away from it all. Like millions of other people, the guy took his cell phone along for the ride. Then he got stranded and a major case of the Dumbass set in. Here’s the story in its entirety.

See what I mean? When the Dumbass hits, it knows no limits to the idiocy it heaps on its innocent, but fucking stoopid, victims.

Our Third Nominee  

Any human being with an ounce of brain power that can do something that damn dumb is a perfect candidate for the 2nd Annual Fred G. Sanford Memorial “You Big Dummy” Award. Hence, this dumbass is our third nominee for this most-cherished of prizes. Let’s just hope the guy doesn’t get lost on the way to the award ceremonies. He might have to call in using his iPhone. And we don’t have five days to wait on this sorry nitwit.

Not for Dumbasses either.

Dumbass.

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Dumbass Stranded on Island; Does Not Use Cell Phone to Call for Help!

Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

Today I have another good ole goodern for you to marvel at. I have posted this a couple of times and it always gets a great response, so I figured since it’s been a while since the last time it was posted, that our flood of new readers might get a kick out of it. You regular Dumbasses will enjoy getting yet another laugh out of my unmatched wit, brilliant satire and comedic writing talents. Or you just might need to kill a few minutes.

If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilliagan’s Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don’t about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to “print” a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911 or Pizza Hut. That’s just the way I roll.

There’s this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan’s Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That’s something that could happen to anybody, so you can’t call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian “Goat Man” Hopper. I ain’t makin’ that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, “Today I think I’ll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!” Goat Man did not say, “I’d better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry.” He took his frakkin’ Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his “three hour tour”, Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, “I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island,” Hopper said. “I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land … I didn’t want to spend the taxpayers’ money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy.” Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. “It was the right thing to do,” he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to “get some”? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

Also Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

Dumbass Lost on Island – Fails to Use Cell Phone!

Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

I still have the flu and feel like hell, so I am gonna re-post one of my favorite stories from last year. This was originally posted on December 30, 2010. 

If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilligan’s Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don’t about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to “print” a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That’s just the way I roll.

There’s this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan’s Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That’s something that could happen to anybody, so you can’t call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian “Goat Man” Hopper. I ain’t makin’ that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, “Today I think I’ll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!” Goat Man did not say, “I’d better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry.” He took his frakkin’ Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his “three hour tour”, Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, “I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island,” Hopper said. “I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land … I didn’t want to spend the taxpayers’ money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy.” Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. “It was the right thing to do,” he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to “get some”? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

Also Useless in the Hands of a Dumbass

The Lost Dumbass and the Cell Phone – Best of 2010

This was certainly in my Personal Top 3 Favorite Posts on Dumbass News. The dumbass in the story is a contender for Dumbass of the Year honors. get ready to laugh. You’ll thank me later.

This device could save your life – unless you are a dumbass.

 If you were stranded on some deserted island after a boating mishap (cue Gilliagan’s Island theme song), faced with a situation that could possibly end up with you being injured or even dead, what would you do? I don’t about you, but I am trying like hell to get myself noticed. I might light a fire or use rocks to “print” a message on the beach or any number of other things that would send out a call for help to get my dumb white ass off the damned island! What of you were faced with the same predicament and you had a cell phone and a good enough signal to use it? Speaking solely for myself here, I am calling 911! That’s just the way I roll.

There’s this dumbass in California who faced the exact circumstances I outlined in scenario number two. This dipshit was the victim of a one man Gilligan’s Island-type event. He was, like Gilligan and the rest of the castaways, stranded on a deserted island off the California coast. He was marooned when the inflatable raft he was in sprung a leak. He managed to get to the island safely before he was lost at sea. That’s something that could happen to anybody, so you can’t call the guy a dumbass just for that. However, this dumb fuck, unlike Gilligan and the gang, had a cell phone and access to a cell phone tower and he refused to use it! Why in the name of all that is Holy would he not used his damned cell phone??!! Wait. For. It. Because he was too embarrassed! I am not making this up. His name is Brian “Goat Man” Hopper. I ain’t makin’ that up either. Because Goat Man is a complete idiot and dumbass, he spent five days on this island living off of vitamins and plants native to the island. This brings up another important question. What kind of sub-moronic dumbass wakes up and says to himself, “Today I think I’ll take my inflatable raft out on the Pacific Ocean for a little ride, but I dare not forget my vitamins!” Goat Man did not say, “I’d better take some water and maybe a sandwich in case something were to awry.” He took his frakkin’ Flintstones vitamins! I made up the part about the Flintstones vitamins. He prolly took his One-a-Day for Dumbasses instead.

On Day 5 of his “three hour tour”, Goat Man got hungry enough to call his cousin who then notified the authorities. In a rare moment of lucidity after his rescue, Goat Man said, “I was embarrassed to be stranded on an island,” Hopper said. “I thought I could fix my boat and make it to land … I didn’t want to spend the taxpayers’ money to have the Coast Guard come rescue some stupid guy.” Hammer meet head of nail. Goat Man also had this to say, Hopper said he now admits he should have called 911 in the first place. “It was the right thing to do,” he said. Ya think?

Thank goodness, Goat Man is alive and well, but I have another question. What if Goat Man were stranded on that island with Jessica Alba and they thought they were doomed to die? Would he try to “get some”? Naaah. That ignorant bastard would say he was saving himself for marriage. Dumbass.

This device is useless in the hands of a dumbass