Category: James Brown

Stop! Or I’ll Shoot You With My Umbrella!

Bad Guy Repellant

The world has changed a lot since I was a a kid. Back in the mid 60s I used to ride my bike all over town without fear of being kidnapped or molested. Today, I wouldn’t let one of my little girls ride their bikes across the street, much less all over town. It’s a sad day when kids can’t even be kids anymore.

It used to be the same with guns, rifles and shotguns particularly. Hell, you couldn’t travel a few blocks without seeing a gun rack in some old boys pick up window. For you younger folks, by pick up window I mean the kind in a pick up truck not at McDonalds. Dumbasses. It was just something people did back then. When was the last time you saw a gun rack in a pick up? I thought so. People go ape shit when they see that sort of thing today. For example….

OMG! There’s a Gun!

A little while back, the students at Rochester Institute of Technology were going about doing what college kids do on campus. Then all of the sudden, somebody spotted a gun! With some of the tragedies of recent years concerning guns on campus, I understand that people are a bit leary of such things. The college staff sent out an emergency email warning of a possible shooter on campus. Here’s the email: “Person allegedly with rifle spotted outside Kate Gleason residence hall. Shelter in place. People in the area of the residence halls are advised to stay inside until further notice.” 

The Monroe County sheriff’s department was notified and quickly responded. After searching the campus, they located the alleged rifle carrier. There was one small detail that lead them to release him. The rifle was really an umbrella!


Last time I checked, unless it was a James Bond movie or an episode of Get Smart, umbrella rifles are very rare in Rochester, New York. But I am just guessing here.

I don’t blame the student who reported the “rifle” to authorities, but come the fuck on. There’s just too damn much paranoia going on out there. I do, however, have a solution to eliminate or at least minimize such incidents. Make it legal for properly trained students to carry some fucking heat! A Glock or Smith & Wesson will certainly make a bad guy think twice about going on a shooting rampage when he himself could get smoked. If it doesn’t make him think twice, then at least the loss of life or injuries can be substantially lowered if an armed student shoots the son a bitch dead where he stands. I’m just sayin’.

Just make sure the bastard has a gun, not an umbrella. Unless he’s Maxwell Smart or James Bond.



False Teeth Foil Felon!

When a crime is committed, there are a number of ways to link a particular suspect to it. Fingerprints and DNA immediately come to mind. Thanks to a dumbass in Sacramento, California, there is now a brand new way to place a suspect at the scene of the crime – false teeth. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the latest tool in the forensic arsenal of police forces all over the country is now dentures. Let me splain.

A guy named James Brown (not the dead black guy, this JB is a live stupid shit white guy) stole a car and while tooling around in said stolen car crashed into two other automobiles. And some fences. And landscaping. Our man James fled the scene on foot bloodied and injured according to witnesses. That’s a dumbass move in and of itself. The cops IDed James as the culprit because of something he left at the crash site – his false teeth! I’m no authority on dentures, but I assume that they are somewhat mouth-specific. Unique like a fingerprint, I guess. James lost his choppers when the airbag in the car he swiped deployed upon impact with one of the other cars he crashed into. The dumbass. To top it off, James has one of the best mugshots ever!

Member of the Ugly White guy Dumbass Hall of Shame

It should come as no surprise that James Brown the Dumbass White Guy is no stranger to law enforcement. At the time of his arrest in Sacramento, he was wanted in Washington, D.C. on an escape from jail charge. Evidently James has a history of escaping from the custody of the police. I am gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that during his previous escapes from the law, James never once left his dentures behind. I’m just sayin’. He did this time, however, and the cops put the bite on him. Dumbass.