Category: Jelly

The Latest Crime Tools: Peanut Butter & Jelly!

Tools of a Criminal

Many years ago there was a TV commercial that featured two people bumping into each other. One was eating from a jar of peanut butter, the other was munching on a Hershey’s Bar looking thing. When they collided, the chocolate bar ended up in the jar of peanut butter and lo a new treat was born! The peanut butter cup.

Peanut butter, or crema de cacahuate as my Meskin friends like to call it, is like bacon – something that should be eaten often and with great vigor. Chocolate? Well, it’s chocolate for God’s sake. It’s the only thing the Swiss do right except for watches. And yodeling. The Swiss are World Class yodelers. And World Class lonely people. Any group of people who create yodeling as a form of entertainment are very lonely people. And dumbasses. But, I’ll ridicule the Swiss in another story on another day. Pussies.

Is This Guy Swiss?

Probably not. He’s from Kentucky and his last name is “Toothman”, which is funny as hell in its own right. As you have seen in this dumbass’s mug shot from above, notice his mouth and you can tell the asswipe doesn’t have a tooth in his head. But I understand that he is a World Class yodeler. They yodel a lot in The Blue Grass State. Especially when wild hogs are out of season. I’m just sayin’.

At any rate, our Dumbass of the Day, Andrew (he of toothless Toothman fame) broke into a local super market, The IGA, wearing nothing but boots. They do that a lot in Kentucky, too. Break into a supermarket wearing but boots, that is. Once Toothman gained entry into the store he went straight for the fire extinguishers and the Nyquil. That’s a nice start right there. But, instead of sucking down the Nyquil like a pirate, Andy simply empties the fire extinguishers and wrote on the floor, using the Nyquil, “Sorry”.


Crema de Cacahuate Meet Chocolate

It is at this point that Andy the Toothless enjoys his favorite treat on a more “personal level” – delicately, deliberately, delectably (barf) covering himself in IGA Brand peanut butter and a more well-known brand of jelly. Now if Andy only had two very large pieces of bread he could be the Largest Dumbass Sandwich in the World.

Later on the police arrived and after a few fleeting moments of thinking they were in Donut Heaven, realized that their dream police call was a real police call and arrested PB & J Man and took him to the County Lick Lock Up. I’m sure Andy will be well-received by the other prisoners with something more than a sweet snack on their minds, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

My only hope is that there is no dog involved in this caper. I’ll leave it at that.

Dumbass.

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