Category: Jessica Alba

Canine Plastic Surgery Eliminates Ugly Dogs! People Next!

Sorry the blog looks a bit odd today, but Blogger is acting weird. I have tried numerous ways and many times to rectify the problem to no avail. I’ll dig a little deeper this weekend in order to alleviate the bullshit.
Thanks,
Toby
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde

I don’t watch a helluva lot of TV. When I do partake of the evening’s television broadcast entertainment, I tend to soak up the more cerebral fare. Like Duck Dynasty. Or Lizard Lick Towing. You know, the real heady stuff.

Mrs. Fearless Leader on the other hand is a wizard at watching the tube. Sometimes when she’s watching TV, my attention is diverted by some I hear on the television. Recently as she was tuned in to some shit, I happened to notice the phrase “Westminster Dog Show” or something very similar. If you are not familiar with the Westminster Dog Show, it’s like the Miss America pageant for dogs. You won’t see Fido from the local animal shelter being paraded around during this competition. The canines in the WDS are worth thousands of dollars eachPure bred pooches with lineages that read like thoroughbred horses. Or the Kennedys. This thing is serious. fucking. bidness.

Which leads us to today’s story.

Pretty Puppy

There’s a dude in China who takes his dogs very seriously. He’s a breeder of Tibetan Mastiffs. It is my understanding that Tibetan Mastiffs are very intelligent and equally as ferocious. TMs have also made the breeder, Mr. Yu, a very wealthy man.

Back to the Mr. Yu Seriousness Factor…Mr. Yu is of the thought that the better looking one of his dogs the more likely that potential customers will be to breed their Tibetan Mastiffs with his. This makes perfect sense.   
What sets Mr. Yu’s Tibetan Mastiff Dog Humping Service and Bar & Grill apart from other bidnesses of similar ilk is the fact that Mr. Yu goes the extra mile in making his breeding animals more attractive to other China Guys looking to have their dogs knocked up by one of Mr.Y’s animals. And does he do this? Doggy plastic surgery! You read that right, in order to make his dogs more appealing for doggy style activities, Mr. Yu puts ’em under the knife!
Dog Gone 

Mr Yu, told Chinese media he had hoped a 1,400 yuan (£140) session of plastic surgery would make the dog more attractive to other dog-owners looking for a breeding partner.

“If my dog looks better, female dog owners will pay a higher price when they want to mate their dog with mine,”

But the Tibetan Mastiff – a trophy dog among China’s growing legion of nouveau riche – reportedly died on the operating table last November after suffering heart failure possibly linked to the anaesthetic.

What in the name of Rin Tin Tin is going on here?! 

No More Ugly People 

Mr. Yu has unwittingly come up with the Scientific Discovery of the Century! 

Do you not realize this amazing procedure will be the end of ugly people forever? Genetics be damned!

Think about it. Simple plastic surgery that makes ugly folks beautiful will result in a nation full of pretty people! To hell with all that DNA bullshit that until now was believed to have been responsible for children looking like their parents. Cosmetic surgery will eliminate ugly forever! We’ll be a country full of Brad Pitts and Jessica Albas! No more Roseanne Barrs and Michael Moores!

Hooray!

Dumbasses.
***Thanks Stoo!***


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Dumbass Dies During Threesome!

Best of Dumbass News

Just when you think things couldn’t get any weirder…

Not long ago I wrote about a guy who died while getting a lap dance from a stripper. At the time, I said something like, “What a way to go”. Although, deep inside the recesses my mind I just knew something more stoopid would eventually come up, I simply didn’t expect it to be so soon. I mean, geez, just when the Dumbass of the Year Award, 2012 had a clear front runner, the waters get murkied up again.

Death by Threesome

William Martinez was a 31 year old guy with ticker trouble – heart problems. He had just been to his cardiologist, who feared that William was suffering severe blockage in his heart arteries. The doctor then scheduled Guillermo (a lil Meskin lingo there) for some kind of medical test that would help determine the source of his (William) heart ailment.

Waiting for Fearless Leader

William never made it to that appointment.

He died the day before it was to take place. While engaging in a threesome! The other two people in this meange a trois included a friend of William’s and a woman. A woman who was not his wife!

For all you guys who are thinking about doing a cluster fuck with a group of people and your wife ain’t one of them, let this be a very stern warning. That shit can kill you. And if you make it through your little excursion into orgy-ness, your old lady will either a) murder you in a most violent, lingering and painful manner or b) slice off your gazebos with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine, in which case you’ll wish you were dead. I’m just sayin’ and your mileage may vary.

The Grieving Widow

Mrs. Martinez  was shocked and horrified at the sudden demise of her husband, even if he did kick the bucket while boinking another woman and/or man. She was grief stricken.

She was grief stricken just long enough to pick up the telephone and call an ambulance chasing medical malpractice lawyer. You know the kind. The ones you see on TV. Their commercials usually begin with something like this: “If you had a cheating piece of aardvark shit of a spouse who died like a rabbit in heat while porking another woman, man or both, call the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe at 1-800-UFUCKINGPIG now!”

Mrs. Martinez then sued her dead husband’s doctor for all kinds of stuff basically saying that the doctor should have warned William about the dangers of “strenuous physical activity” before he was tested for his heart condition. I must agree with Senora Dumbass on this point. being in a threesome can be very strenuous physical activity. On the other hand, living through a threesome can lead to very strenuous physical activity as well. Very strenuous physical activity like running for your life from a pissed off wife with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine while she is alternately screaming at the top of her lungs “Come back here, you steaming pile of zebra dung! I am going to cut off your worthless gazebos with this rusty fishing knife that I just dipped in turpentine!”

Anyway, the widow won the lawsuit.

Mrs. Martinez the Millionaire

Here’s an excerpt from the Reuters article from which I got this story:

“William Martinez’s death during a threesome, jurors found he was 40% responsible for his own death — perhaps because Martinez had a history of high blood pressure and was at high risk of having clogged arteries. That reduced the jury’s initial $5 million award by 40%, to $3 million.
Lawyers for Martinez’s estate argued his cardiologist, Dr. Sreenivasulu Gangasani, failed to warn Martinez to refrain from physical activity like sex. The doctor also failed to take a proper medical history when Martinez showed up for a medical appointment one week before he died, The Journal-Constitution reports.
A lawyer for Gangasani vowed to appeal the $3 million verdict for the man who died during a threesome. Though the award is set to go to William Martinez’s estate, it’s not clear if his widow or his two sons will have access to that money, according to The Journal-Constitution.

Let me get this straight. If I were to bite the big one during an extramarital threesome, my wife and kids could get millions of dollars, but if I keel over right now, after having been a faithful husband, doting father and all around nice guy who worked for over forty years, paying exorbitant taxes and now fighting with the US Gubmint to get my own money back so I can support my family, my wife and two little girls will get about two grand as month? Well shit! I know which way I am gonna die! Thank you, Jesus and bring on Jessica Alba!

And what was that lawyer’s phone number again? I’ll leave it to my wife. She’ll need it after my “physical strenuous activity” with Jessica Alba and her husband. I just hope I don’t live through it. The thought of a rusty fishing knife freshly immersed in turpentine is a rather spooky notion. At least it is to my gazebos.

I’ll be in touch, Jessica.

What a way to go.

Dumbass.

Guy Dies During Threesome! Jessica Alba Awaits Me

She Will Kill the Fearless Leader

Just when you think things couldn’t get any weirder…

Not long ago I wrote about a guy who died while getting a lap dance from a stripper. At the time, I said something like, “What a way to go”. Although, deep inside the recesses my mind I just knew something more stoopid would eventually come up, I simply didn’t expect it to be so soon. I mean, geez, just when the Dumbass of the Year Award, 2012 had a clear front runner, the waters get murkied up again.

Death by Threesome

William Martinez was a 31 year old guy with ticker trouble – heart problems. He had just been to his cardiologist, who feared that William was suffering severe blockage in his heart arteries. The doctor then scheduled Guillermo (a lil Meskin lingo there) for some kind of medical test that would help determine the source of his (William) heart ailment.

William never made it to that appointment.

He died the day before it was to take place. While engaging in a threesome! The other two people in this meange a trois included a friend of William’s and a woman. A woman who was not his wife!

For all you guys who are thinking about doing a cluster fuck with a group of people and your wife ain’t one of them, let this be a very stern warning. That shit can kill you. And if you make it through your little excursion into orgy-ness, your old lady will either a) murder you in a most violent, lingering and painful manner or b) slice off your gazebos with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine, in which case you’ll wish you were dead. I’m just sayin’ and your mileage may vary.


The Grieving Widow

Mrs. Martinez  was shocked and horrified at the sudden demise of her husband, even if he did kick the bucket while boinking another woman and/or man. She was grief stricken.

She was grief stricken just long enough to pick up the telephone and call an ambulance chasing medical malpractice lawyer. You know the kind. The ones you see on TV. Their commercials usually begin with something like this: “If you had a cheating piece of aardvark shit of a spouse who died like a rabbit in heat while porking another woman, man or both, call the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe at 1-800-UFUCKINGPIG now!”

Mrs. Martinez then sued her dead husband’s doctor for all kinds of stuff basically saying that the doctor should have warned William about the dangers of “strenuous physical activity” before he was tested for his heart condition. I must agree with Senora Dumbass on this point. being in a threesome can be very strenuous physical activity. On the other hand, living through a threesome can lead to very strenuous physical activity as well. Very strenuous physical activity like running for your life from a pissed off wife with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine while she is alternately screaming at the top of her lungs “Come back here, you steaming pile of zebra dung! I am going to cut off your worthless gazebos with this rusty fishing knife that I just dipped in turpentine!”

Anyway, the widow won the lawsuit.

Mrs. Martinez the Millionaire

Here’s an excerpt from the Reuters article from which I got this story:

“William Martinez’s death during a threesome, jurors found he was 40% responsible for his own death — perhaps because Martinez had a history of high blood pressure and was at high risk of having clogged arteries. That reduced the jury’s initial $5 million award by 40%, to $3 million.
Lawyers for Martinez’s estate argued his cardiologist, Dr. Sreenivasulu Gangasani, failed to warn Martinez to refrain from physical activity like sex. The doctor also failed to take a proper medical history when Martinez showed up for a medical appointment one week before he died, The Journal-Constitution reports.
A lawyer for Gangasani vowed to appeal the $3 million verdict for the man who died during a threesome. Though the award is set to go to William Martinez’s estate, it’s not clear if his widow or his two sons will have access to that money, according to The Journal-Constitution.

Let me get this straight. If I were to bite the big one during an extramarital threesome, my wife and kids could get millions of dollars, but if I keel over right now, after having been a faithful husband, doting father and all around nice guy who worked for over forty years, paying exorbitant taxes and now fighting with the US Gubmint to get my own money back so I can support my family, my wife and two little girls will get about two grand as month? Well shit! I know which way I am gonna die! Thank you, Jesus and bring on Jessica Alba!

And what was that lawyer’s phone number again? I’ll leave it to my wife. She’ll need it after my “physical strenuous activity” with Jessica Alba and her husband. I just hope I don’t live through it. The thought of a rusty fishing knife freshly immersed in turpentine is a rather spooky notion. At least it is to my gazebos.

I’ll be in touch, Jessica.

What a way to go.

Dumbass.