Category: Jesus

How Dumbasses "Celebrate" Easter!

Here’s a Dumbass Easter Story I wrote just after Easter Sunday last year.
 
Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.

To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.

Briefly Personal

I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.

I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.

Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!

Mayhem in the Blues City 

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass

News! 

One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!

This is when the real fun started.

What Would Jesus Do?

WWJD is  not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.

The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.

Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.

Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.

Happy Easter, Annette!

Dumbass.

Advertisements

Dumbass Finds Image of Jesus on Beer Box!

It is said that the Lord works in mysterious ways. Now, I think it means that The Big Guy acts in ways that His children don’t expect. Even non-believers get the gist of this saying.

The Dumbass in our story today takes that old adage to an entirely other level. A level that either gives the Lord a good laugh or He starts making reservations in warmer climes for our Dumbass. Actually, I don’t think God would condemn the poor knucklehead to the Eternal Lake of Fire Where There’s a Lot of Gnashing of Teeth and Other Bad Stuff Forever and Ever for being an idiot, but He may have created a new category of sin in honor of The Guy in This Story.

Let us pray. 

Fred

Once upon a timeth, in a land far away, the mythical Land of Florida, lived an ordinary man namedeth Sir Frederick of Truluck. Actually, the brutha’s named was simply Fred Truluck, but bear with me here. In this wonderful and magical place called Florida resided many hard working, God fearing people we’ll call “The Tribe of the Normal People”. While certainly hard working and God fearing, Sir Frederick was of a group of citizens who had the collective IQ of a menatlly challenged spit wad, the “Tribe of the Dumbass”.

One glorious day as Sir Frederick of the hamlet of Bradenton was taking a leisurely stroll with his faithful sidekick, Fido the Hound, so Fido could taketh a shiteth, Sir Fred happened upon a fish-shaped object glistening in the bright Florida sunshine. Being a man of Faith, and the fish being a Christian symbol, Fred picked up his piscatorial prize and returned to his humble abode.

Amen!

It is important to note here that the FSO (Fish Shaped Object) was made of cardboard. Alas! This was not cardboard of an ordinary making! It was cardboard from a box of Corona beer! In case you didn’t know, Corona is a Meskin beer. Further, the word “corona” means “crown”. This tidbit is of the utmost import to our story. Because….

After Fred got home, he placed the FSO on a counter top and went about his bidness for a little while. Upon completing whatever the hell he was doing, Fred picked up the FSO to admire it. I mean, it’s odd enough to find a piece of cardboard in the shape of a fish, but what happened next is a true miracle! Unseen by Fred until this very moment, on the other side of the cardboard FSO from a Corona Beer carton was an image of Jesus! Hallelujah! The Son of Man has appeared on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from a carton of Meskin beer! The End Times are nigh! Face it, sinners, the image of The Word has been seen on potato chips and pieces of toast among other things, so why not on a beer carton? And why not to a guy who was taking his dog on a poop walk?

Mysterious?

The Lord may indeed work in mysterious ways, but something in my heart of hearts tells me that appearing on a fish shaped piece of cardboard from the carton of an el cheap-o Meskin beer is not one of them. Call me a skeptic, if you must, but I think that when The Redeemer makes himself known to Mankind it will be in a more Biblical way. Like maybe on the back of a pure white steed in full Satan-killing armor surrounded by Archangel Warriors or something.  You know, Armageddon. Beer boxes? Not so much.

So, Fred, lay off the lousy beer and get back on your meds. He Who Sits at the Right Hand of the Father ain’t gonna manifest Himself on a case of barley pop. Got it? This ain’t the Shroud of Turin for cryin’ out loud.

Or a piece of toast.

Dumbass.

***Image from Daily Mail***

Dumbass Songs, Videos & a Touching Tribute to the End of the World!

The Winner



                              Drop Kick Me Jesus

                                      Tequila Sheila

Finger On the Button (lyrics)
by Bobby Bare


I have appointed me the captain of my destinyAnd proclaimed myself the pilot of my soulBut my mind remains uneasy cause the rest of meDepends on someone I don’t even knowMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely day todayHope nothing hangs him up or ticks him off or bums him out in any wayLord help him keep his cool cause he could pull the final curtain on my playMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely day today[ dobro ]I can recall when only God could start the world anewHe who left his babies wasted on the shoreBut now that man could have the last word if he wanted to[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/finger-on-the-button-lyrics-bobby-bare.html ]God ain’t such a bad dude anymoreMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely night tonightHope he’s got himself a honey who knows what to do and I hope she does it rightAnd in my heart I know you won’t go bananas and again he mightMay the man who has his finger on the button have a lovely night tonightMay the man who has his finger…Send him over anything he wants give him a sixpack of beerGive him my old lady my girl friend
Have a Lovely Day.


Dumbasses.

Crackin’ Open Eggs & Skulls on Easter!

Amen




Christians and Jews, just a couple of days ago, celebrated the Holiest Days of the Year in their respective religions – Easter for the followers of Jesus and the Passover for the celebrants of Judaism. Of course, remembering the triumph of God over sin reflects only the religious side of the Easter/Passover story.

To many people these days, Easter is simply a day for the kids to dress up in their Sunday-Go-To-Meetin’ finery, even if they don’t go to Sunday Meetin’, and hunting all the colorful eggs left behind by chickens who were raised on LSD or some really good ‘shrooms. But, I digress.

Briefly Personal

I must confess, no Catholic pun intended, that I have never met The Messiah face to face. I’ve never met Jesus either, although I do recognize Him as the Son of Man and the Founder of the Church that we know today as the Catholic Church. However, I am not here to do a post on my (or your) religious beliefs.

I am here to show you how some “Christians” choose to “celebrate” these Holiest of Days.

Take this family in Memphis, Tennessee. Please!!!

Mayhem in the Blues City

Like millions of Christians worldwide, Annette Pearson was celebrating the holiday with some guests, another family. Annette had carefully hidden Easter eggs around her yard to be just difficult enough to find that the children present would be a bit challenged to find them. So far, so good.

But! You just knew that a big ass BUT! was about to rear its ugly head. This is, after all, Dumbass News! 

One of the eggs that Annette had hidden was a “Grand Prize Golden Egg!” In it was $7! Seven dollars!? Are you kiddin’ me? A young crack head in Memphis can’t even buy a decent-size rock for seven bucks. seven big ones was evidently some serious cheese to one of Annette’s Easter guests from the other family, as he rather vociferously objected to what he thought was Annette helping her own kids to locate the Grand Prize Golden Egg with the $7 in it. This dumbass got so mad that the slapped Annette upside the head! Not just once, but twice!

This is when the real fun started.

What Would Jesus Do?

WWJD is  not a question that entered Annette’s freshly slapped head. Upon being assaulted over a $7 Grand Prize Golden Egg, she went inside her house and grabbed $25 Balck & Decker Claw Hammer.

The dumbass that smacked Annette on her skull soon found out that it didn’t matter what Jesus would do, it only mattered that Annette clobbered him upside his own head with the claw end of the hammer! The man was now bleeding like a stuck pig headed for the rotisserie at a Memphis BBQ Joint.

Did I note that the other family soon joined in on the brawl? They did. More mayhem ensued. Assholes, elbows and ball peen hammers were everywhere! No mention of the $25 B & D Claw Hammer at this point. There is a mention of the arrival of the Memphis Police Department, however.

Sadly, the dumbass who wailed away on Annette’s noggin was not arrested, but his wound did require four staples to close. Annette, on the other hand, was hauled off for $25 Black & Decker Claw Hammer Assault and is now enjoying the hospitality of the Shelby County Inmate Easter Club, headed up by janet Reno lookalike inmate, Julie “Spike” Snodgrass.

Happy Easter, Annette!

Dumbass.