Category: Juan Valdez

Texas Mayor Killed by Pet Ass!

I promise you that I did not plan on this week being Strange Ways to Die Week. It just turned out that way for some weird reason.

Earlier, I wrote about a guy dressed in a ghillie suit at night setting up a Bigfoot hoax on the highway and getting creamed by a Toyota. He did not come down for breakfast.

Bad Ass Ass

Now some poor soul down in South Texas has been killed at the hands (hooves?) of his pet donkey! This guy wasn’t just some Dumbass who was trying to schtoop an ass or something, he was the well-respected  Mayor of Hollywood Park, Texas.

Here’s the story from woai.com in San Antonio: “The Atascosa County Sheriff’s Office said Wednesday that the death of Hollywood Park Mayor William “Bill” Bohlke appears to be an accident. Bohlke was 65.
Chief Deputy David Soward says Bohlke apparently was attacked Monday morning by a male, aggressive donkey he kept on the ranch.
Investigators say the donkey and several others are still on the property with other livestock.
“He loved his animals. He loved ranching,” said Sandra Wilson.
According to the neighbor, Bohlke’s wife was concerned when he didn’t return to Hollywood Park after checking on his animals.
After dark, Wilson said several neighbors, jumped on all terrain vehicles and went looking for the Air Force veteran.
They found his truck still running hours after he was attacked.”

Calls for Ass Control

It’s difficult for me to poke fun at a guy who gets killed by a donkey apparently aggressive because of a female in heat, but getting sent to your reward by an ass looking for some female ass is not something you read about every day. Unless you live in Guatemala or some shit. Death by Donkey down there has seen a dramatic increase in recent years brought on by Global Warming-caused ass horniness. Why, animal rights pussies are even calling for ass control in many regions of Central America.

Screwing a donkey in Iran on the other hand is called “Tuesday night” by the rag heads over there.

OK, I confess. I made that part up. Except for the rag heads fucking donkeys in Iran. That shit really happens.

For now, at least ass control is off the table in Guatemala and other countries in the region. That all will change, however, when Juan Valdez is stomped into the Afterlife by that stupid burro he totes around the coffee plantation in Colombia. mark my words.

In the Meantime…

What’s a Fearless Leader to do when some guy is randomly attacked an killed by a horny donkey? Make fun of the poor bastard?

Not this time.

I can however eviscerate the donkey.

What in the name of all that is Holy would cause a donkey, a pet donkey no less(!), to attack a human being? Are donkeys stoopid enough to think that a man would steal his female ass from him? Oh, wait. I just remembered Iranian donkey humping. This activity must have made its way around the worldwide donkey community, thus contributing to this erratic donkey behavior. Donkeys are devious that way. And so are horny Iranians.

What a bunch of asses.

Dumb asses.

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