Category: Kansas

Lottery Winners Celebrate By Buying Pot & Meth; Also Blow Up House!

I some times think (dream?) of what I might do if I suddenly came into a large sum of money.

I’d like believe that I’d do some practical stuff before I went on a Dumbass Spending Spree. You know, like buy a house and some land and perhaps a new car or two. Since I am an Old Guy with two small children (girls 10 & 6), I would also open up a savings account for each of them to use towards a college education.

Then I’d go balls to the wall ape shit wasting money on cool shit. Like a new bass boat. Fish. Fear. Me.

And travel. I’d love to tour Mexico and Central America. I speak pretty fluent Spanish so this idea is certainly not far-fetched. Also, since I live only a few hours from Canada, I’d set off on a summer long tour of the second largest country in the world and her ten provinces and three territories.

The same can not be said for a pair of brothers (siblings, not black guys) in Kansas.

Hitting the Jackpot 

There are a couple of Dumbasses in Kansas who are brothers. Actually, there are thousands of Dumbasses in Kansas, many of them brothers, but I just want to focus on the two idiots relevant to today’s story. Anyway, the Brothers recently won a large jackpot in the Kansas Lottery. Seventy-five large to be exact.

I can only assume that The Brothers did not have families. I say that because of what they did with their sudden windfall. Did they sock away some of their winnings for a rainy day? No. Did they make plans to travel the country? Nope. How about buy a new car or boat? No this time. “Well, Fearless Leader”, you ask, what gives?”

Party Time! 

The Brothers did what millions of young, red-blooded American guys would do with seventy-five thousand dollars and a lot of time on their hands.

They rushed out and bought some meth and some pot! 

This is what many young people in Kansas do when presented at a moment’s notice with a copious amount of cash. Especially in Manhattan and Lawrence. I can kind of understand why young folks would do shit like this. Have you ever been to Kansas? (I think I just blew any chance I had at being invited to a University of Kansas basketball game or a K-State football game all to hell by writing the previous few sentences. Rawk Tawk Jayhawk)

BOOM! 

Guess what else our newly rich Duo of Dumbasses did upon hitting the jackpot? They blew up their house!

One of the brothers went to the kitchen to refuel the butane torches they planned to use to light their bongs. He emptied a couple of large cans of butane lighter fluid, leaking butane into the air.

“The butane vapor reached the pilot light in the furnace, and as you might expect, ka-boom,” Wichita Police Sgt. Bruce Watts said at a press conference.
KFDL reports that the injured brother’s girlfriend drove him to the hospital and then “sped off and has not been found.”

I hope we can all learn a lesson from this story.

The lesson is: the next time you want to spark up your bong, use matches, not butane! If you do you use butane, do not do so near an open flame.

Dumbasses.

***Thanks to the HuffPo***

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Golf Team Does Nekkid Calendar; Cleans Balls First

Hits Balls Like Nothing Else

BEST OF DUMBASS NEWS!

I have been in contact via Facebook with some long-time friends of mine back home in Texas who have kids starting college this fall. Their offspring will be attending fine universities like Texas A & M – Commerce and the University of Texas at Tyler. It’s probably a good thing that my friends are very involved with their kids’ education and helped the youngsters make a decision on the school that is right for them. My friends, and by extension their children, will be pleased that Bethany College in Kansas was not among their final choices of institutions of higher learning. Let me splain.

Not too long ago a few members of the men’s golf team at Bethany posed for a calendar. This was, however, no ordinary calendar! These young men posed nekkid using golf clubs to cover their gazebos and “putters”. Putzes. I have never posed for nekkid photos for a calendar or any other publication, but I used to be a scratch (no pun intended) golfer and I have gazebos. I therefore feel that I am qualified to inject (again no pun intended) my golfing and gazebo knowledge into this conversation.

When trying to conceal one’s “putter” for a photo, one should not use a putter (the golf club) in order to do so. The blade, of the putter would only hide a small portion of a man’s “putter”. Unless he has a small “putter”. One should also consider the loft of the club (the angle at which it connects to the shaft), (again no pun intended…OK…maybe the pun was intended on this one). A pitching wedge, for example, has a loft that would be unsatisfactory in hiding one’s “putter”. A 2 or 3 iron maybe, but not a wedge. My choice would be a driver or a Big Bertha. Both of these clubs have large heads (OK, ALL the puns were intended!) on them that would most likely cover all but the largest of “putters”. Of course, a head cover ( I kill myself) would be the most effective non-club option, but apparently that wasn’t one the choices for the photo shoot. For non-golfers, a club cover is a sock-like gizmo that fits over the club heads of the woods (bwahahahaha) in a set of golf clubs that protects the club head from the elements and scratches, etc. That’s the way I see it anyway.

These young men, their gazebos and “putters” (the clubs and non-clubs versions), were suspended from the first three tournaments in conference play for their shenanigans. Not for posing nude for the calendar, but for using the words “Bethany College” on it.

From the UPI story: 
School officials said the picture did not violate athletic regulations but the caption bore the words Bethany College, which officials said was an inappropriate use of the institution’s name. I just want to make sure they understand life choices and consequences.” Well hell! That cleared that right up, didn’t it? What would the staff at Bethany College do if one of their coeds was a stripper and wore a BC tank top while gettin’ neekid? I’m just askin’.

The golf team bogeyed this one and ended up stymied by the college. Such are the water hazards of life for young people. And par for the course.

Dumbasses.

College Golf Team Does Nekkid Calendar; Hides Gazebos Behind Golf Clubs

Big Bertha, Gazebo Concealer

I have been in contact via Facebook with some long-time friends of mine back home in Texas who have kids starting college this fall. Their offspring will be attending fine universities like Texas A & M – Commerce and the University of Texas at Tyler. It’s probably a good thing that my friends are very involved with their kids’ education and helped the youngsters make a decision on the school that is right for them. My friends, and by extension their children, will be pleased that Bethany College in Kansas was not among their final choices of institutions of higher learning. Let me splain.

Not too long ago a few members of the men’s golf team at Bethany posed for a calendar. This was, however, no ordinary calendar! These young men posed nekkid using golf clubs to cover their gazebos and “putters”. Putzes. I have never posed for nekkid photos for a calendar or any other publication, but I used to be a scratch (no pun intended) golfer and I have gazebos. I therefore feel that I am qualified to inject (again no pun intended) my golfing and gazebo knowledge into this conversation.

When trying to conceal one’s “putter” for a photo, one should not use a putter (the golf club) in order to do so. The blade, of the putter would only hide a small portion of a man’s “putter”. Unless he has a small “putter”. One should also consider the loft of the club (the angle at which it connects to the shaft), (again no pun intended…OK…maybe the pun was intended on this one). A pitching wedge, for example, has a loft that would be unsatisfactory in hiding one’s “putter”. A 2 or 3 iron maybe, but not a wedge. My choice would be a driver or a Big Bertha. Both of these clubs have large heads (OK, ALL the puns were intended!) on them that would most likely cover all but the largest of “putters”. Of course, a head cover ( I kill myself) would be the most effective non-club option, but apparently that wasn’t one the choices for the photo shoot. For non-golfers, a club cover is a sock-like gizmo that fits over the club heads of the woods (bwahahahaha) in a set of golf clubs that protects the club head from the elements and scratches, etc. That’s the way I see it anyway.

These young men, their gazebos and “putters” (the clubs and non-clubs versions), were suspended from the first three tournaments in conference play for their shenanigans. Not for posing nude for the calendar, but for using the words “Bethany College” on it.

From the UPI story: 
School officials said the picture did not violate athletic regulations but the caption bore the words Bethany College, which officials said was an inappropriate use of the institution’s name. I just want to make sure they understand life choices and consequences.” Well hell! That cleared that right up, didn’t it? What would the staff at Bethany College do if one of their coeds was a stripper and wore a BC tank top while gettin’ neekid? I’m just askin’.

The golf team bogeyed this one and ended up stymied by the college. Such are the water hazards of life for young people. And par for the course.

Dumbasses.