We face a daunting dilemma in this country. The unemployment rate? No. Obamacare? Even worse.
“But Fearless Leader,” you plead, “what could be worse than the clusterfuck that is Obamacare or such a high jobless count?”
Well, ya Dumbass, I’ll tell you what kind of pickle the United States of America is in and the unnerving obstacle blocking our path that leads us back to the level of Freedom that our Founding Fathers envisioned for this country.
Let me splain.
A Perfect Example
KEY WEST — The island just isn’t what it used to be.
The Key West Citizen reports that a man who was covered in ketchup, sprawled in the middle of an Old Town street and screaming profanities about tourists ruining his town was arrested early Wednesday.
The 42-year-old homeless man was charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct and misdemeanor resisting arrest.
See what I mean?
Look at the level of personal upheaval and inner turmoil, not to mention tomato ketchup, thrust upon this man, and possibly thousands more residents of Key West, simply because outsiders dare to visit and willingly spend ten millions of dollars each year in this island paradise. What. The. Fuck.
How dare tourists, the blight on mankind and the economy that they are, spend four bucks a gallon on gasoline to travel, often over 1000 miles, to Key West and while they are there spend another few grand on hotels, meals and “I Spent 5 Gs On This Trip to Key West and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt and An Up Close Look at Actual Hippie Pot Heads and Homos” t-shirts!
What’s Wrong With the People of Key West?
I can tell you in one word what the problem with the residents of the Southernmost Point in the Continental United States is: Yankees.
There! I said it!
Yankees have re-kindled the War of Northern Aggression. In a very subtle way. Yankees have infiltrated Florida! Hundreds of thousands of Yankees have left behind crummy Yankee state economies and outrageously high tax rates, not to mention winters that last for six months, and fled to sunny, warm, formerly Yankee-free locales like The Sunshine State. Here’s the kicker: once there, they try their dead level best to turn the place they immigrated to into a place like the hell hole that they left!
Yankees are sneaky like that.
It is for this reason that I believe the Ketchup Guy did what he did. It’s just that the newspapers in Key West are too pussified to lay bare the Truth. You see, in their version of this story the word “tourist” is a code word for “Yankee”, so it’s not the real tourists who are ruining Key West, it’s the Yankees! Amiright?
Moral of the Story
About forty years ago when Houston, Texas was in the middle of great economic prosperity, Yankees by the thousands moved to H-Town to escape Communist Regimes in places like Michigan. Houston had jobs and low taxes, Michigan had no jobs and high taxes. With this unprecedented influx of Northern Aggressors, Houston was forever transformed. Many Houstonians were not pleased.
Houston’s then-Mayor, Louie Welch, summed up the feelings of his town’s Native citizenry thusly: “Yankees are like hemorrhoids. If they come down and go back up, they’re OK. But if they come down and stay, they’re a pain in the ass.”
This is what’s happening in Key West and why some dipshit covered himself in ketchup and acted the fool. “Tourists” have invaded Paradise.
And in the case of Ketchup Guy, so have the Dumbasses.
***Hat Tip to Floridaduh.wordpress.com***