I think we have come across a first here at Dumbass News. I say “I think” because I used all the relevant search terms to scour the blog archives for a similarly themed story. My efforts were in vain. I was looking for a post relating to monkeys. Or chimps. Or gorillas. The closest I came to meeting that criterion was this post about King Kong. Even that story wasn’t about the real King Kong, just some ugly bitch who liked like the Big Ape.
Therefore, I believe we are about to boldly go where we have never gone before. Kind of like Star Trek.
Except we are in the alternate universe known as the Dumbass Divergence.
|Famous San Antonio Lez Bean Gorilla|
A Dumbass named Paul Nimnicht (which is dangerously close to “Paul Numbnuts”) was on the North Side of the Alamo City at a nightclub called CoCo Bongo (are we sure that this idiot’s last name is not “Numbnuts”? CoCo Bongo? Really?) when he suddenly bolted from the premises darting into traffic and was greeted by a white Infinity. And by “greeted by” I mean “flattened like an IHOP short stack”. This is not really all that odd, even for San Antonio, considering that Numbnuts could have been commode huggin’ drunk and in dire need of being run over by a passing automobile. That’s merely speculation, and the recollection of a similar incident involving me and a Ford F-250 Pick Up Truck in Dallas and The Busy Bee Gentlemen’s Club, on my part though.
The strange part of this tale is that, at the time of his untimely confrontation with a luxury automobile, Numbnuts was being chased by a guy in a gorilla suit! As a Former Professional Drinker, let me assure you that being three sheets to the wind and simultaneously being aggressively pursued by a fellow dressed like King Kong can be a very disconcerting experience for the pursuee. To be honest, getting smacked by an Infinity was in a weird sort of way probably some form of relief for poor Numbnuts.
At this point the San Antonio Police are involved and are pouring over the vicinity looking for a Dumbass in a gorilla suit. It should come as no surprise that the SAPD would catch the King Kong Guy. It would have taken a miracle of Biblical proportions or the sudden break out of a Meskin Lez Bean Orgy for a guy in a gorilla costume to escape the watchful and observant eye of San Antone’s Finest. God was busy and the Lez Beans were orgy-ing somewhere else in SA that night. Goober in the Gorilla Suit was found at a nearby bar. I ain’t kiddin’. I guess the zoo must be on the other side of town, because that’s the only place that would have provided Monkey Man with some sort of cover.
Soon Gorilla Boy will be eating “bananas” in the Bexar County Hilton, maybe to be followed by King Dong somewhere in the Texas Department of
Talk about your “Curious” George.
It’s a dangerous world out there, Dumbasses.
You can walk out your front door right now and there’s a possibility that you could be mugged, stabbed, shot, hit by a drunk driver, have your gazebos squeezed into oblivion by a mad woman – you know, the usual stuff that tends to happen to Dumbasses.
Dumbass Code Word © Definition
Before I get into the meat (that’s a funny) of today’s story, I feel obligated to define a term of Dumbassery that I use regularly in my posts. That term is “gazebos”. When I, your Fearless Leader and Exemplar of All That is Good & Holy About Being a Dumbass, write this word, it does not refer to a round shade-producing edifice where one consumes mimosas and has brunch. First, most Dumbasses don’t even know what mimosas or brunch are. The Dumbass version of a typical gazebo, mimosas and brunch are warm beer, 8:30AM and the tailgate of an old pickup truck rusting away in his front yard.
Back to “gazebos”. I got a comment in a post a few weeks ago that appeared (by the manner in which it was worded) to come from across The Pond. The commenter said he (I assume it was a guy) was unfamiliar with my use of the word “gazebos” and needed some clarification on the matter. For those of you who are new to the Dumbass Horde, “gazebos” is a Dumbass Code Word © for testicles. Nuts. Balls. Gonads. Family Jewels. Huevos. Or in the case of the Fwench, BBs. You get the picture.
It Came for His Gazebos
As is with the story in the link in the opening paragraph, today’s selection is about gazebo squeezing. In the previously linked story, a Chinese lady went Bruce Lee on some poor guy and put his gazebos into such a grip that he later died from his injuries. Today’s victim of gazebo grabbing wasn’t lucky enough to die after he was neutered by a pissed off female. And judging by the mugshot, the term “female” is used very loosely. The chick in that photo looks more like Dennis Rodman, who, rumor has it, is into having his gazebos squeezed. But, I digress. The thing in the photo is Joyce Maxine Gregory of Shelby, North Carolina.
Joyce is 35 years old and was chillin’ with a 59 year old guy at his crib when, for whatever reason,
it she went ape shit on him. The Guy went outside to call 911 to report the disturbance whem Joyce caught up with him and grabbed him by his gazebos. The Dennis Rodman Look-a-like Gazebo Death Grip promptly ensued. This was no ordinary Dennis Rodman Look-a-like Gazebo Death Grip, however. Joyce had such a hold on this man’s huevos (see definition above) that she literally squeezed one of them out of his scrotum! This, by the way, can not be a pleasant experience.
Hangin’ By a Thread
Quoting a Police document here, “Officer M. L. McPherson stated in his report that the victim’s “scrotum had been split open,” adding that, “I was also able to observe one of the subject’s testicles protruding from the scrotum area.”
Police also observed “blood on the floor of the porch and the siding of the residence.”
Luckily, The Guy won’t suffer any permanent damage to his gazebos or nut sack, but I am willing to place good money on the fact that the mental scars from this gazebo grabbing will not heal for quite some time.
Or until The Guy gets drunk enough to hang out with another female that looks like Dennis Rodman.
The Guy has serious “issues”.
Wee Wee, Madamoiselle
Once the cops arrested
King Kong Joyce Gregory and got her into a zoo cage squad car, she further proved her femininity by dropping trou and pissing all over the back seat.
Joyce has been charged with a bunch of Serious Shit like assault inflicting serious bodily injury and malicious castration. I think that means
it she squeezed a gazebo out of The Guy’s bag without permission. Or something.
Class act that Joyce.