Category: Knife Proof Vest

Woman Puts Man’s Gazebo in Mongolian Death Grip

Collection of Gazebo Torture Tools

Oh, boy! This is a good one. Warning for Men: If your stomach turns or you experience extreme pain from mental images of gazebos being squished like rotten tomatoes, read no further!

Singing Soprano

This man and woman down in the F-L-A had decided to get a divorce, which in and of itself is not a pleasant experience. Trust me one this one. The guy thought it would be a good idea if he hid a ring he had given his wife. So he did. The soon-to-be ex-wife took exception to his actions. And by “took exception” I mean she put the Death Squeeze on his left gazebo. You guys breathe in, breathe out, this is only a story. Ladies, wipe the damned smile off your faces now. Sadistic broads. Or ex-wives. But I repeat myself.

The woman also pulled a knife on the man and his left gazebo, threatening to kill him and use his gazebo as a foosball in a gay bar. This chick means business. If I were in this position, I’d be drawing the bitch a detailed map to the fucking ring. did I mention that this ring is worth 15 large? For you non-criminal types, as if there’s some non-criminal types who read this blog (Ha!), that’s $15,000. Here’s another thing about this deal. If one of my gazebos is literally in hand of a Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades, I am thinking, and thinking very quickly mind you, I’m asking myself, “Ring or gazebo? Ring or gazebo?”

The Gazebo Has Been Set Free

I have no idea how, but the guy managed to talk the Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades into letting go of his gazebos. This whole pitiful ordeal took about two minutes to take place, but I can assure you that it seemed like two weeks to the gazebo grabee.

The cops finally arrived and arrested the woman for assault with a deadly weapon and abuse of a gazebo with intent to lower the sperm count. A police spokesman specializing in crimes against gazebos, then told the press that the woman had taken unauthorized pictures of a gazebo with red marks and bruises evident in the photo. That’s just wrong.

When last heard from, the man was doing a Tribute to Michael Jackson, The Early Years tour around the country and the woman was in a gazebo abuse rehab group. Can you imagine the start of on of these meetings? Hi, I’m (insert Psycho Bitch from the Depths of Hades’ name here) and I am a gazebo-a-holic.

I guess the old adage is true…a gazebo in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Dumbass.

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Leave the Shiny Knife Alone, Boys

Those fun-loving Scandis are at it again, those silly pranksters. And by pranksters, I mean you stab another guy at your party. Let me splain.

These two Swedish guys were at a party when the conversation shifted to a knife proof vest that one of these dumbasses had recently bought. Much like some of my buddies back in Texas, these two dumbass Scandis were bound and determined to test out this knife proof vest. I gotta tell ya, there’s nothing like being three sheets to the wind and doing some quality control testing on a little body armor. But, my buddies is Texas use a Kevlar vest and AK-47s during their quality control experiment. But, I digress. OK….one of the Scandi dumbasses put on the knife proof vest and told his friend to stab him. So the friend stabs Dumbass No.1. Wow! That vest really works! Now it’s Dumbass No.2’s chance to see how effective the knife proof vet is, so he puts it on, braces himself and STAB! The vest DID NOT WORK! But, it wasn’t a defect in the vest that caused Dumbass No.2 to receive a stab wound, it was Dumbass No.1 who was at fault! Dumbass No.1 stabbed Dumbass No.2 where there was no protection from the vest! Simply put, Dumbass No.1 missed the vest entirely and stabbed his friend! Holy Husqvarna, Batman! Frakkin’ dumbass.

Dumbass No.2 was taken to the hospital and treated for a minor stab wound and released. Dumbass No.1 was no doubt made fun of, mocked, ridiculed and otherwise became the laughing stock of  his hometown of Vittsjo. The word “Vittsjo” is Super Sekret Subversive Scandi Code Talk for “Vittsjo, Home to the Biggest Dumbass in Sweden and Bring Your Own Knife Proof Vest, Get Drunk and Give It a Try!”  What fun Vittsjo must be, huh? At least nobody was seriously injured, but this incident put a damper on any further partying for the night. What a bummer. I am 100% certain that the Commie Swedish gubmint will now pass a law for Knife Proof Vest Control, complete with background checks and a Knife Proof Vest Training Class. Dumbasses.

Drunk Dumbasses Test a Knife Proof Vest – What Could Go Wrong?


Those fun-loving Scandis are at it again, those silly pranksters. And by pranksters, I mean you stab another guy at your party. Let me splain.

These two Swedish guys were at a party when the conversation shifted to a knife proof vest that one of these dumbasses had recently bought. Much like some of my buddies back in Texas, these two dumbass Scandis were bound and determined to test out this knife proof vest. I gotta tell ya, there’s nothing like being three sheets to the wind and doing some quality control testing on a little body armor. But, my buddies is Texas use a Kevlar vest and AK-47s during their quality control experiment. But, I digress. OK….one of the Scandi dumbasses put on the knife proof vest and told his friend to stab him. So the friend stabs Dumbass No.1. Wow! That vest really works! Now it’s Dumbass No.2’s chance to see how effective the knife proof vet is, so he puts it on, braces himself and STAB! The vest DID NOT WORK! But, it wasn’t a defect in the vest that caused Dumbass No.2 to receive a stab wound, it was Dumbass No.1 who was at fault! Dumbass No.1 stabbed Dumbass No.2 where there was no protection from the vest! Simply put, Dumbass No.1 missed the vest entirely and stabbed his friend! Holy Husqvarna, Batman! Frakkin’ dumbass.

Dumbass No.2 was taken to the hospital and treated for a minor stab wound and released. Dumbass No.1 was no doubt made fun of, mocked, ridiculed and otherwise became the laughing stock of  his hometown of Vittsjo. The word “Vittsjo” is Super Sekret Subversive Scandi Code Talk for “Vittsjo, Home to the Biggest Dumbass in Sweden and Bring Your Own Knife Proof Vest, Get Drunk and Give It a Try!”  What fun Vittsjo must be, huh? At least nobody was seriously injured, but this incident put a damper on any further partying for the night. What a bummer. I am 100% certain that the Commie Swedish gubmint will now pass a law for Knife Proof Vest Control, complete with background checks and a Knife Proof Vest Training Class. Dumbasses.