Category: Lap Dance

Dumbass Dies During Threesome!

Best of Dumbass News

Just when you think things couldn’t get any weirder…

Not long ago I wrote about a guy who died while getting a lap dance from a stripper. At the time, I said something like, “What a way to go”. Although, deep inside the recesses my mind I just knew something more stoopid would eventually come up, I simply didn’t expect it to be so soon. I mean, geez, just when the Dumbass of the Year Award, 2012 had a clear front runner, the waters get murkied up again.

Death by Threesome

William Martinez was a 31 year old guy with ticker trouble – heart problems. He had just been to his cardiologist, who feared that William was suffering severe blockage in his heart arteries. The doctor then scheduled Guillermo (a lil Meskin lingo there) for some kind of medical test that would help determine the source of his (William) heart ailment.

Waiting for Fearless Leader

William never made it to that appointment.

He died the day before it was to take place. While engaging in a threesome! The other two people in this meange a trois included a friend of William’s and a woman. A woman who was not his wife!

For all you guys who are thinking about doing a cluster fuck with a group of people and your wife ain’t one of them, let this be a very stern warning. That shit can kill you. And if you make it through your little excursion into orgy-ness, your old lady will either a) murder you in a most violent, lingering and painful manner or b) slice off your gazebos with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine, in which case you’ll wish you were dead. I’m just sayin’ and your mileage may vary.

The Grieving Widow

Mrs. Martinez  was shocked and horrified at the sudden demise of her husband, even if he did kick the bucket while boinking another woman and/or man. She was grief stricken.

She was grief stricken just long enough to pick up the telephone and call an ambulance chasing medical malpractice lawyer. You know the kind. The ones you see on TV. Their commercials usually begin with something like this: “If you had a cheating piece of aardvark shit of a spouse who died like a rabbit in heat while porking another woman, man or both, call the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe at 1-800-UFUCKINGPIG now!”

Mrs. Martinez then sued her dead husband’s doctor for all kinds of stuff basically saying that the doctor should have warned William about the dangers of “strenuous physical activity” before he was tested for his heart condition. I must agree with Senora Dumbass on this point. being in a threesome can be very strenuous physical activity. On the other hand, living through a threesome can lead to very strenuous physical activity as well. Very strenuous physical activity like running for your life from a pissed off wife with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine while she is alternately screaming at the top of her lungs “Come back here, you steaming pile of zebra dung! I am going to cut off your worthless gazebos with this rusty fishing knife that I just dipped in turpentine!”

Anyway, the widow won the lawsuit.

Mrs. Martinez the Millionaire

Here’s an excerpt from the Reuters article from which I got this story:

“William Martinez’s death during a threesome, jurors found he was 40% responsible for his own death — perhaps because Martinez had a history of high blood pressure and was at high risk of having clogged arteries. That reduced the jury’s initial $5 million award by 40%, to $3 million.
Lawyers for Martinez’s estate argued his cardiologist, Dr. Sreenivasulu Gangasani, failed to warn Martinez to refrain from physical activity like sex. The doctor also failed to take a proper medical history when Martinez showed up for a medical appointment one week before he died, The Journal-Constitution reports.
A lawyer for Gangasani vowed to appeal the $3 million verdict for the man who died during a threesome. Though the award is set to go to William Martinez’s estate, it’s not clear if his widow or his two sons will have access to that money, according to The Journal-Constitution.

Let me get this straight. If I were to bite the big one during an extramarital threesome, my wife and kids could get millions of dollars, but if I keel over right now, after having been a faithful husband, doting father and all around nice guy who worked for over forty years, paying exorbitant taxes and now fighting with the US Gubmint to get my own money back so I can support my family, my wife and two little girls will get about two grand as month? Well shit! I know which way I am gonna die! Thank you, Jesus and bring on Jessica Alba!

And what was that lawyer’s phone number again? I’ll leave it to my wife. She’ll need it after my “physical strenuous activity” with Jessica Alba and her husband. I just hope I don’t live through it. The thought of a rusty fishing knife freshly immersed in turpentine is a rather spooky notion. At least it is to my gazebos.

I’ll be in touch, Jessica.

What a way to go.

Dumbass.

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Guy Dies During Threesome! Jessica Alba Awaits Me

She Will Kill the Fearless Leader

Just when you think things couldn’t get any weirder…

Not long ago I wrote about a guy who died while getting a lap dance from a stripper. At the time, I said something like, “What a way to go”. Although, deep inside the recesses my mind I just knew something more stoopid would eventually come up, I simply didn’t expect it to be so soon. I mean, geez, just when the Dumbass of the Year Award, 2012 had a clear front runner, the waters get murkied up again.

Death by Threesome

William Martinez was a 31 year old guy with ticker trouble – heart problems. He had just been to his cardiologist, who feared that William was suffering severe blockage in his heart arteries. The doctor then scheduled Guillermo (a lil Meskin lingo there) for some kind of medical test that would help determine the source of his (William) heart ailment.

William never made it to that appointment.

He died the day before it was to take place. While engaging in a threesome! The other two people in this meange a trois included a friend of William’s and a woman. A woman who was not his wife!

For all you guys who are thinking about doing a cluster fuck with a group of people and your wife ain’t one of them, let this be a very stern warning. That shit can kill you. And if you make it through your little excursion into orgy-ness, your old lady will either a) murder you in a most violent, lingering and painful manner or b) slice off your gazebos with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine, in which case you’ll wish you were dead. I’m just sayin’ and your mileage may vary.


The Grieving Widow

Mrs. Martinez  was shocked and horrified at the sudden demise of her husband, even if he did kick the bucket while boinking another woman and/or man. She was grief stricken.

She was grief stricken just long enough to pick up the telephone and call an ambulance chasing medical malpractice lawyer. You know the kind. The ones you see on TV. Their commercials usually begin with something like this: “If you had a cheating piece of aardvark shit of a spouse who died like a rabbit in heat while porking another woman, man or both, call the law firm of Dewey, Cheatum and Howe at 1-800-UFUCKINGPIG now!”

Mrs. Martinez then sued her dead husband’s doctor for all kinds of stuff basically saying that the doctor should have warned William about the dangers of “strenuous physical activity” before he was tested for his heart condition. I must agree with Senora Dumbass on this point. being in a threesome can be very strenuous physical activity. On the other hand, living through a threesome can lead to very strenuous physical activity as well. Very strenuous physical activity like running for your life from a pissed off wife with a rusty fishing knife dipped in turpentine while she is alternately screaming at the top of her lungs “Come back here, you steaming pile of zebra dung! I am going to cut off your worthless gazebos with this rusty fishing knife that I just dipped in turpentine!”

Anyway, the widow won the lawsuit.

Mrs. Martinez the Millionaire

Here’s an excerpt from the Reuters article from which I got this story:

“William Martinez’s death during a threesome, jurors found he was 40% responsible for his own death — perhaps because Martinez had a history of high blood pressure and was at high risk of having clogged arteries. That reduced the jury’s initial $5 million award by 40%, to $3 million.
Lawyers for Martinez’s estate argued his cardiologist, Dr. Sreenivasulu Gangasani, failed to warn Martinez to refrain from physical activity like sex. The doctor also failed to take a proper medical history when Martinez showed up for a medical appointment one week before he died, The Journal-Constitution reports.
A lawyer for Gangasani vowed to appeal the $3 million verdict for the man who died during a threesome. Though the award is set to go to William Martinez’s estate, it’s not clear if his widow or his two sons will have access to that money, according to The Journal-Constitution.

Let me get this straight. If I were to bite the big one during an extramarital threesome, my wife and kids could get millions of dollars, but if I keel over right now, after having been a faithful husband, doting father and all around nice guy who worked for over forty years, paying exorbitant taxes and now fighting with the US Gubmint to get my own money back so I can support my family, my wife and two little girls will get about two grand as month? Well shit! I know which way I am gonna die! Thank you, Jesus and bring on Jessica Alba!

And what was that lawyer’s phone number again? I’ll leave it to my wife. She’ll need it after my “physical strenuous activity” with Jessica Alba and her husband. I just hope I don’t live through it. The thought of a rusty fishing knife freshly immersed in turpentine is a rather spooky notion. At least it is to my gazebos.

I’ll be in touch, Jessica.

What a way to go.

Dumbass.

Coffee and Lap Dances – Jugs & Java

Coffee? What Coffee?

The Crud ® that my wife was so gracious to pass on to me is kicking my ass. It hurts me just to use the keyboard, but I can’t leave you dumbasses to look this kind of stuff up on your own. Especially dumbassery like you are about to re-read. Married men who search for this kind of “entertainment” on the internet could end up as non-married men looking up this kind of “entertainment” on the internet. I can’t be held responsible for that. But I can recommend a good divorce attorney. I’m just sayin’
From September 9, 2011:

This country has gone to hell in a hand basket. The economy sucks, unemployment is over 9% and now the cops of Edmonds, Washington are busting baristas for flashing their boobs at customers. This is an outrage! It is every American woman’s God-given right to show her hammers to anyone at any time she wants to. It’s gotta be in the Constitution somewhere. Maybe the commerce clause? I have been a fan of knockers for a long time, so this hits me especially hard. I drink coffee on occasion, but I look at tatas every day of my life and have done so for over 50 years. I am not giving up leering at boobs for anybody or any reason!

Here’s the deal: The women in question work for a Starbuck’s-like place called Java Jugs in Edmonds. Irony anyone? Anyway, these broads have been serving more than double latte chocolate mocha espresso supreme with extra sugar and cream. Some customers buy “coffee” for as much as $20. In return they get a lap dance and a good look at some titties. For some odd reason the Police in Edmonds fail to see the benefits of such a “sale”. Did I mention that Java Jugs has a stripper pole inside the shop? Yup. A stripper pole. What good is a stripper pole going unused, just standing there waiting, nay, pleading, for some skank to git nekkid and reveal her assets to paying customers? None, I say!

Think about it. You stop at Dunkin Donuts and pay $5 for a cup of coffee and drive away with nothing but a $5 cup of coffee. Guys who stop at java Jugs come away with much more than just a lousy cup of coffee, they drive away with, er, um, inspiration. And memories of a well-formed set of sweater puppies. And the cops get all in a huff about it. Where’s there sense of live and let live? What do the Police have against boobies? I mean hell.

The Boob Squad of the Edmonds PD found out about this little enterprise and promptly sent over an undercover guy who witnessed what was going on for himself. He even got a lapdance or two or ten (one can never be too hasty when evaluating such a delicate case). After much evidence gathering, the cops wrote out a lot of citations to the sluts ladies working at Java Jugs and the owner of the erstwhile strip joint said that she would be nice and follow the laws as written. No more bare breasts at Java Jugs. sad, isn’t it?

By the way, the police will be keeping an eye peeled for more flashing of the racks at JJ”s. The lawmen also vow to keep doing “undercover” work to keep Java Jugs in compliance. I’ll bet. <snort>

Dumbasses.