Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, Georgia was at Best Buy minding his own bidness as he was doing his Christmas shoplifting a little early this year when his plans went awry. And by “awry” I mean he was met with a surprise as he tried to escape with a purloined laptop.
***Shamelessly Ripped Off from I Hate the Media***
I have long proclaimed myself to be a Dumbass. I have done so for one simple reason. I AM a Dumbass! But, I am a genius Dumbass.
I’ll prove it to you.
A few months ago I took the trash out to the dumpster here on the apartment complex grounds. I think it’s time to do it again! bwahahahahahaha I kill me sometimes. At any rate, when I got to the dumpster there was a laptop computer laying on the ground next to the trash bin. The laptop wasn’t covered in toxic waste or bird shit, so I picked it up and brought it home.
At the time I thought it would be a good thing to have around so I could take it apart and put it back together. A learning process, if you will. I wanted to learn to build a computer because I plan on building one soon. What the heck, huh?
Long story short, the discarded laptop laid around for a few months until about three weeks ago when my new Computer Whiz Neighbor came over to take a look at it. (Quick note: when I discovered the computer, it had no battery or power cord but it did have a messed up keyboard) So TJ the Computer Whiz Neighbor brought one of his laptop power cords over, plugged it in to the White Trash Laptop and PRESTO! The damn thing actually worked!
All TJ had to do was replace the hard drive with the HDD from my IBM laptop that Bailey the 5 Year Old destroyed by pouring finger nail polish remover all over the keyboard, therefore into the guts of the IBM as well. Add one USB keyboard and….
Guess which laptop I am now using as the “brains” of Dumbass News? Hint: It ain’t the IBM. Yep, it’s the cast aside Toshiba that I found at the dumpster all those months ago.
Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Genius Dumbass.
I like the sound of that.
Best of Dumbass News
Finding material for this website is like taking candy from a baby. It’s too easy.
There are dumbasses in every corner of the planet. For instance, take Alliance, Ohio, PLEASE! Hahahaha See? I am a dumbass, too. Now back to Alliance, Ohio. Not again! I am on a roll here. hahahaha I’ll be here all week.
Anyway…in Alliance, Ohio, a guy decides a nice evening of dumpster diving is in order. Maybe he had some last minute anniversary shopping to do and he was trying to get the perfect gift for his wife the easy way. By stealing. From a dumpster. In the middle of the night. From this information alone, I can deduce that the perpetrator, James Brienzo, is a dumbass.
|Is That You, James?|
The act of dumpster diving alone is not an indictment of being a dumbass. It’s when you are dumpster diving and the sanitation company makes its nightly rounds to empty the dumpster and you are still in the dumpster that qualifies you as a dumbass. That’s what happened to our boy James. In the middle of his late night White Trash Shopping Spree, James was somewhere in the day old donuts section when whirrrrrrr clllaaaannggg brrrrrrrrrruuuuuppp suddenly he ends up in the business end of the sanitation truck! But James, like a Boy Scout, is prepared. He has a cell phone! James calls a friend who, in turn, calls the heat (cops). The heat locate the refuse truck that James is in through a GPS.
Technology is the shit!
The law gets to the truck and are unable to extricate James so, wait.for.it….they order the truck to the nearest dump, where James, along with the anniversary gift he was looking for, was dumped into the landfill and freed! He’s in critical condition at local hospital, but the poor bastard is free.
I have a suggestion for James and the rest of you who are considering a White Trash Shopping Spree in the middle of the night, Wal Mart is open 24 hours a day! Give it a try.
I first published this story in July of last year. It was my first post to have been written on Heather’s desktop computer. My laptop died at the hands of an evil, vicious, mean, rotten and nasty Force of Nature — Bailey the 4 Year Old!
This post also gives me another shot at making fun of Cal-ee-forn-yah, which you all know will be the newest sport in the Dumbass Olympics this summer. There is one difference in the medals for the real Olympics and the Dumbass Olympics. Medals in the real Olympics are made of gold, silver and bronze. Dumbass Olympics medals will be made form old beer cans painted the appropriate color with WalMart spray paint. Yes, Dumbass, we are going all out for this year’s Dumbass Olympics. Spare no expense as Dumbasses of the world unite in the Spirit of Competition and Brotherhood!
(Dateline – Deep in the Bowels of Heather’s Keyboard) My 4 year old daughter Bailey has banished me to this foreign land. I am using my wife’s computer because Bailey loves Daddy so much she dumped a full bottle of water (16.9 oz) all over my laptop. R. I. P. Laptop. Enough said.
Speaking of chihuahuas (<—clever segue), in Altadena, California, two would-be robbers turned out to be two honest-to-goodness pussies when they tried to rob a local “smoke shop”. A “smoke shop” in California is the pseudonym for “Buy Your Bong Here” shop. The two dumbasses were thwarted in their attempted heist by a) a 12 gauge wielding store owner, b) an off duty policeman or c) a man-eating chihuahua. If you said a or b, you are a dumbass. These two pansies were scared off by a fucking dog the size of a large grapefruit! The stotre’s video surveillance system “ shows the store owner begin to place money into a backpack worn by one of the robbers while his Chihuahua starts barking loudly and forcefully at the men.
Investigators said the robbers were apparently spooked by the dog and fled the store with less money than they could have obtained from the store owner.
The video depicts the Chihuahua follow the men from the store and chase them down the street.” Really? A chihuahua? A fucking chihuahua? Will the last real man in The Land of Fruits and Nuts please stand up? Oh, wait, there are none. Forgive me for that slip of the fingers.