This was originally posted on May 21, 2011. It’s still damn funny and quite educational.
The Mrs. Dumbass-to-be was scorned and hell hath no fury and all that. It goes without saying that Mrs. Almost a Dumbass called off the wedding because the groom couldn’t keep his thang in his pants. Now the spurned bride has filed a lawsuit against the dumbass groom to the tune of 63 Large. From the UPI story we find out, “The suit, which alleges breach of the promise to marry and intentional infliction of emotional distress, is seeking reimbursement totaling $62,814 for expenses including the wedding dress, bridesmaid’s dresses, wedding invitations, a band reservation and non-refundable plane tickets and hotel reservations for a honeymoon in Bora Bora.” What the hell was this dumbass thinking? Bumping uglies with some chick at your bachelor party is about as dumbass as a groom-to-be can get. It also tends to piss off the bride. And that ain’t good. Especially when she’s a lawyer. By the way, the boinkee in this saga said she had no idea that the dumbass was involved with anyone. I guess the fact that it was a bachelor party and that there was a wedding coming up was a little above this broad’s head. Dumbass.
I have absolutely no sympathy for the dumbass groom. He’s an idjit. Dude, if you’re gonna nail some broad at your own bachelor party, make sure she’s a stripper or something, and the boinking is cheap and superficial at best. However, the sure fire way to avoid a situation like this is to keep your penis in your pants! The penis, and $63,000 you save may be your own.
Being an American gives you the right to pursue your dreams and the attendant success or failure that goes with them. Being an American also gives you the right to be a dumbass. What a country! Being an American dumbass entails doing stoopid shit like suing McDonalds because you spill their coffee in your lap and it burns you. That doesn’t even register on the Dumbass O Meter when compared to the story you are about to read. I am gonna warn you in advance so you can have some sort of soft place for your chin to land when it drops to the floor in just a moment. Ready? Let’s proceed then.
First, a little background. A college guy from New York goes to Las Vegas. College guy from New York gets FUBAR. College guy from New York calls “escort service” for a little “companionship”. Right or wrong, there is nothing unusual about this little tale of woe – yet. “Escort service” sends over young lady to spend an hour with the drunk college guy from New York. The “escort” arrived at the the dumbass college guy from New York’s hotel, where for $155 she stripped and did a lap dance. For an extra $120 the young whore performed a sex act on the dumbass college guy from New York. She then left. Here’s where the dumbass just oozes into this story. The dumbass college guy from New York paid the young slut to be his “escort” for an hour. And, lo and behold, she only stayed for a half hour! So, College Boy did what any conscientious young man would do when he felt like he got ripped off by the young hooker. He called the “escort service” and complained and demanded a refund. The “escort service” told him to politely fuck off. Unappreciative of the most generous offer from the “escort service”, dumbass college guy from New York calls the Better Business Bureau and the local police! From the Aol News story,”He needs medical treatment, he said, for trauma caused when police told him he could be arrested for soliciting prostitution, which, believe it or not, is actually illegal in Las Vegas. “I had almost had gotten arrested,” he wrote in the filing. “I just need medical treatment on mental condition & psycotic [sic] disorder.”You can’t make this stuff up. Wait. This. Gets. Better. After dumbass college guy got back to New York, he filed a lawsuit against the “escort service”! Here’s what he said in his self-filed law suit, “I also would like to get my $275 payment back and a $1.8 million verdict for the tragic event that happened.” After the judge quit laughing so hard he pissed his judge robe, he threw out the suit and told College Boy that he is a dumbass of epic proportions. Undaunted by the judge’s admonition, dumbass college guy from New York plans to appeal the judge’s decision. The next sound you hear will be the judges on the Appellate Court doubled up in pain from laughing, begging someone to tell them that this is a joke. Soon enough, dumbass college guy from New York will be screwed again, just not the way he had hoped it would be. Dumbass.